Monday, November 13, 2006

The Only Person Banned from TB

I'm not a prejudiced person, and I'll welcome with open arms anyone who wants to join our Revolution to get a Taco Bell in Midtown. Case in point: Tanya Wenman Steel, the editor of gourmet magazine epicurious, has come down from on high to support the cause. Would I expect a frilly French chef to join us? No. But did I turn her away? Absolutely not. Did Matthew Broderick turn away Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington?

But this guy, AJ, has earned himself the singular distinction of being FOREVER BANISHED by me, the Taco Bell Champion. I'll go a step further and BAN HIM FROM ALL TACO BELLS FOREVER.I hate to waste more web ink on AJ, but here's a quick background: AJ is an "analyst at a major investment bank" featured in a video on Code.tv, an obnoxious site dedicated to pretentious living. During the video he reveals himself to be a despicable, shallow person. He is also unattractive, but seems to think otherwise. Gawker has done an excellent job exposing AJ as a fraud and generally mocking him.

Why is AJ banned from Taco Bell? Simply because he stands for everything Taco Bell does not. Taco Bell is the pinnacle of American equality, where anyone can get a world-class meal for a few dollars. Money, hot girls (or in AJ's case, slutty girls) and a taste for $200 cocktails are not required at Taco Bell. The sign outside each Taco Bell is clear: "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me." (Or "Try the Big Bell Value Meal," depending on the franchise.)

So fuck you, AJ. I sleep easy each night knowing that your epic sorrow is two-fold. First, you'll never come to know the bliss that accompanies a Taco Bell feast. Second, your dreams and self-worth are exclusively, pitifully linked to money and "coolness," and that you will never achieve enough of either to be happy. You know it. Everyone knows it. And that's why you're a walking joke.

19 comments:

your mom said...

taco bell = dangertown. check out these links, man!!!

gunfire!
http://www.nbc13.com/news/10311738/detail.html

bloody carcrashes!
http://www.pal-item.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061113/NEWS01/61113006

election fraud!
http://www-tech.mit.edu/V126/N53/53dining.html

Anonymous said...

dude, aj's a cool guy. stop bagging on him. everyone online beliefs these effed up lies. i hate gawker, lying pricks.

Taco Bell Champion! said...

Thanks for the input, "my mom" and "anonymous."

I've already planned a post regarding the crash and shooting, but I wasn't aware of the AWESOME hacker who voted for TB a bazillion times. Certainly worthy of further comment, perhaps tomorrow.

As for AJ, anonymous, I don't want to transform this noble crusade into a trash-talking discussion about a shallow, Liar's Poker-wannabe. I readily believe that Gawker's spread some untruths about him, but the video speaks for itself.

Peace out.

goldsprinkles are love said...

aj would love to eat this shit:

"The pizza is sprinkled with gold and topped with champagne-soaked caviar and lobster marinated in the finest cognac. Creator Domenico Crolla [right] said it was worth more than $3,700."

http://www.sliceny.com/archives/2006/11/goldpizza_the_worlds_most_expensive_pie.php

goldsprinkles are love said...

http://www.sliceny.com/archives/2006/11/goldpizza_the_worlds_most_expensive_pie.php

(sorry --screwed that one up!)

goldsprinkles are love said...

wtf man? why isnt it working? well, just goodle it and ull find it! gold pizza rocks!

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