Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Check Out Best-Of

Hey Champions. Do you remember when Che left Cuba and led a bunch of revolutions in South America, so no one heard from him for a while? I don't, but I'm assuming it's happened. Well, I'm Che.

I'll be taking a break from the blog. So anyone looking for great TB coverage should check out some of the BEST OF THE CHAMPION:

Mercadito and Why I Hate it Here
Crunchwrap Supreme
The Whore on 36th Street
Boardwalk for Oriental Avenue?
An Excerpt from "Crunched," David Novak's Fictionalized Autobiography

-TB Champ

P.S. The commercial sucked.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

What Ever Happened to Getting Kicked in the Balls and Monkeys Burning Cash?

From a TB press release about this year's Superbowl ad campaign, pushing the new Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquitos:

The ad features two lions humorously discussing carne asada steak in Taco Bell's typical think outside the bun manner... Taco Bell's innovative food minds have upgraded the taquito... But, we know that not everyone can roll their r's and pronounce carne asada. So, we utilized talking lions to give everyone in America an entertaining language lesson.

Well someone sure fucking loves themselves. Sorry, David, but your a-holes in the press departments came up with something obnoxious ("typical think out side the bun manner"), condescending ("not everyone can roll their r's"), arrogant ("innovative food minds") and idiotic ("two lions humorously discussing"). I was planning to give the commercials a grade, unseen, and then another grade after the Superbowl. Both F's, I imagine. But then, Champions, I noticed what will make this an AWESOME FUCKING COMMERCIAL...

"The voice over talent of legendary actor RICARDO MONTALBAN."

That's right, Kahn himself is teaming up with Taco Bell on Peyton Manning Superbowl Sunday. Is there anything more awesome!?! For the feeble minds of most, No, this is the coolest thing in the universe. However, being the TB Champ, of course I imagined one better scenario:

On a field that is a supernatural fusion of the Continental United States and the Constitution itself, I've arrived with Bill Clinton, Indiana Jones, John Belushi and an unlimited supply of TB tacos to witness the greatest game ever played. And I'm drunk. Pre-game, Alanis "I'm So Awesome People Are Terrified to Admit It" Morissette sings a rockin' version of "Jesse's Girl" as Ernest Hemingway two-times Halle Berry and Number Six from Battlestar Galactica on the Jumbotron. The referees are T.Jeffs and Lincoln, with FDR poppin' wheelies up in the booth. Derek Jeter leads his team--the unlikely pairings of Han Solo & Darth Vader and Captain Kirk & Kahn--onto the gridiron to play America's greatest game (football) against the The Lord God, Jesus Christ.

So anyway, Taco Bell's Superbowl commercials will be awesome. But second to my imagination. (Holy shit, At-Risk kids could learn from me.)

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Americans Losing Resolve

I'll let the results of a CNN Quickvote earlier this morning speak for themselves.

In case you are blind, 62% of respondents said that "the E. coli outbreak made [them] less likely to eat at Taco Bell."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Anti-Taco Bell Bias in the Media

I'm from Minnesota and I just got a disturbing message from my Mom telling me about an E. coli outbreak in my homeland. As I was licking the stamp inviting David Novak to a duel (an axe duel), a little bird whispered in my ear. After heavily medicating myself--birds shouldn't be talking--I went back and did some research:

"Minnesota officials announced that they were investigating an apparent outbreak of E. coli infections tied to a Taco John's restaurant in Albert Lea."

STOP THE TRAIN, 'CAUSE I'M GETTING OFF! Taco John's is also responsible for multi-state, many victim E. coli infection. It seems that Taco Bell isn't the single harbinger of the Armageddon that the media would have us believe.

Why is the national media covering up Taco John's E. coli incidents while relentlessly beating us over the heads with Taco Bell's indigestion atrocities? I found one article on MSNBC that mentions Taco John's gastrointestinal problems, but the TB problems were front page. Could it be because, unlike Taco John's, TB is a nation-wide chain and could spread infection coast-to-coast? Is it because most national media outlets are New York-based and tend to emphasize the tri-state area, forgetting about fly-over country? Is it because over 40 more people have been hospitalized from eating at Taco Bell than at Taco John's?

Of course not. The answer, champions, is that the media has an anti-Taco Bell bias. In academic studies, only 30% of journalists polled are pro-Taco Bell. The moderator on all those Taco Presidential debates always gives easy questions to the Chipotle candidates while attacking TB's guys. And Dan Rather used forged documents to show that David Novak was AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam.

So if you're sitting in the hospital right now with E. coli coursing through your veins (or intestines or lungs or wherever the fuck it lives), just remember: don't believe everything you read. And if you are infected, I hope it was TB that got you sick and not Taco John's. It would be a shame for your last meal to be anything less than the best.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Taco Bell Outbreak: The Cause

Champions, my head's spinning from all the coverage regarding the E. coli outbreak at Taco Bells across the country. I've got a couple of interesting links for you (many provided by readers through email and comments), but most importantly, I've discovered the TRUE CAUSE of the outbreak.

First off, it's worth asking if this outbreak is to Taco Bell what Waterloo was to Napoleon. In other words, is this the end of Taco Bell? Has the Christ of fast food been crucified? In spite of the media war against them, the answer is a resounding NO. The New York Times had a fascinating story about die hard TB Champs willing to risk a sore tum-tum for that delicious TB taste. Sedre Mesidor, who eats at TB frice (four times) each week, had the right idea: “If something happens, it’s meant to happen.” Then he ate a bunch of shit at TB. Doctors are even taking the gambit. I quote, " 'I eat here all the time, and I’m not worried about it,' said one resident physician... [from] Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn." My only objection to the report is to the journalistic UN-integrity of the Times reporter; he apparently accosted TB diners and told them they could die if they ate the food. You're supposed to report the news, not make it, Jagoff.

Next up, a crazy wet-wipe that detects the E. coli bacteria if you smear it all over your food. Sure, Merlin, next you'll tell me that medicated cream can make my hemorrhoids disappear. It doesn't.

Finally, THE TRUE CAUSE of the outbreak isn't undercooked meat or unsanitary TB kitchens. It isn't terrorist contamination or God's punishment for America's alternative lifestyle. No. It's the hubris of David Novak. According to MSNBC, Taco Bell's E. coli came from the California scallions used in TB items--Wait, wait. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say scallions!?! WHY THE FUCK IS TACO BELL USING SCALLIONS!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!! This isn't the fucking "cafe" at the base of the "Eiffel Tower," David! We don't smear fucking "brie" on our Meximelts and we don't drink "pinot noir" with our fiesta potatoes! Whatever happened to onions? Huh, David? I never heard of onions killing anyone (but they do make people cry).

See, champs, it just goes to prove John Candy's dictum that power corrupts but absolute power corrupts absolutely. David comes from humble roots (I'm guessing), and he helped create the greatest American restaurantery ever by combining salt-of-the-earth Mexican and Texan cuisine with Middle-American taste values. Taco Bell was born. But then--amidst all his wealth and power--he grew dissatisfied with that which made him great. He scoffed at the simple things, like onions, and replaced them with fancy-pants bullshit like "scallions." Well, David, you flew too close to the sun and look what happened. People got diarrhea.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

E. Coli Hits Taco Bell (or... The One Commandment)

I've gotten numerous emails and blog comments about the myriad of reports in the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN and elsewhere about the E. coli outbreak at Taco Bell. I know it's caused wide-spread panic and spurred Yum! to remove all green onions from TB products. I'm sure major news outlets have been trying to get in touch with me, but my cell is broken, so here's my official comment.

Before I go on to make fun of the whole incident, let me be on record as saying that my hopes and prayers--and those of Champions around the world--are with the ill. Particularly the elderly, whose already whithered kidneys are being ravaged by Chalupa-bred microbes intent on destroying them (kidneys and elderly alike).

This is a tragic incident in Taco Bell history, not unlike when the USS Maine sank under suspicious circumstances, and yellow-journalists whipped the nation into a frenzy, forcing TB to go to war with Cuba. David Novak should know better than to use sub-par green onions in his otherwise top-notch food, and he should be held personally responsible for any suffering caused.

And yet... And yet... Champions, I'm forced into the position of again providing some context. As I've said before, Taco Bell has one and only one mission, which shall henceforth be known as THE ONE COMMANDMENT. That mission is: Make fucking kick-ass tacos. Everything else is secondary to that goal. And frankly, given the extraordinary level of kick-assedness of TB tacos, it doesn't surprise me that other corners--like decontamination--get cut.

When you're playing RISK with your family over the holidays, are you looking to have "wholesome fun?" Are you looking to fill your younger siblings and cousins with glee? Are you looking to patch up your relationship with your alcoholic uncle? FUCK NO. You're looking to take Australia as a beachhead, start collecting your two extra armies and a RISK card per turn, cash them in for the invasion force, and FUCK EVERYONE UNTIL THEY BLEED AND THE WORLD IS YOURS! In RISK, your One Commandment is to win.

Does Taco Bell's One Commandment to make kick-ass tacos supersede the First Commandment not to kill? Probably not. (I'm not an idiot.) But it does demand that everyone just hold their horses and stop judging.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Border Bullets: Enchiphobia

Some quick TB updates...
  • If TB were around during the time of polio, we'd have had 43 able-bodied Presidents in history. Why? Because they've gotten into the business of curing diseases, like Enchiphobia. Some of you might object and say, "Champ, there is no such disease. Taco Bell invented it as a shameless promotion of the Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito. Even if Enchiphobia did exist, it would be a phobia, not a disease." To that I say, "Would you call blindness a disease, Professor?"
  • Taco Bell is offering a LIFETIME SUPPLY of tacos for your Playstation 3. According to their press release (via The Consumerist), the TB Foundation is going to give the Playstation 3 to the Boys and Girls Club of America. Laudible, certainly, but only the demented mind of David Novak could calculate that $12,500 worth of tacos equals one $600 game, especially considering that heavenly TB tacos far outweigh any gaming experience.
  • I found a podcast of an address TB President and "Chief Concept Officer" Emil Brolick gave on leadership. I'm not sure how much I trust Emil, given that he's Watson to David Novak's Sherlock. He even says, "I don't profess to be an authority on the subject of leadership. I don't even profess to be very good at it." But at least he has a funny photo.

  • Finally, I want to give a special shout-out to PSYdekicks, who clued me into the Playstation story above. He's got his own website about a movie he's writing, and it's worth checking out.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Update: Taco Bell Hacker

I've received a deluge of email (three messages) commenting on the moral ambiguity of the TB Hacker, who illegally voted 1000+ times to get a Taco Bell at MIT. I feel obligated to defend a fellow revolutionary.

Now, I'm no philosopher. My friend is, though, and he's writing his Ph.D. thesis on cognition and the difference between logic and reason (why America pays this guy ~$8 million per year and not people like my friend is a mystery, and a tragedy, to me). I've hung out with my friend enough to pick up a few things, namely a super-sophisticated understanding of utilitarianism.

The best definition of utilitarianism was given by Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few, or the one." In other words, the most important objective of a good moral system should be improvement to (or saving of) human life, even at the expense of a smaller number of people. It justifies disposing of not only small groups of expendable people but also other (archaic) principles like good and evil. Bottom line: Jack Bauer can torture a dude to save Los Angeles.

This defense applies to TB Hacker in spades. He may have violated the law, undermined our democratic principles, etc., but he did so to improve the lives of all MIT students by delivering a Taco Bell to them.

Need proof? Here are some case studies:

Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe suspended the writ of habeas corpus during the War of Northern Aggression to save the Union and free millions of slaves.

Laura Roslin on Battlestar Galactica. She failed to follow utilitarian principles by refusing to steal the presidential election from Gaius Baltar. He went on to become Cylon collaborator, and her decision resulted in the deaths of 10,000 people and threatened the survival of all humanity. She didn't have the bravery of the TB Hacker.

Spock. He went into the dilithium chamber to save the Enterprise, knowing it would kill him. The ship--including Captain Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, and 400 others--was saved. AND THEN, because he'd mind-melded his consciousness into McCoy and was reanimated on the Genesis Planet, he came back to life. So everything worked out perfectly. (You can buy all 10 Star Trek movies on DVD here for only $80!)

What do these case studies teach us? Stop attacking TB Hacker. He remains a Champion in my eyes, and is still owed his $50 of Border Bucks from me.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Golden Pizza for Anti-Champions

NEWS FROM THE FRONT: Our Revolution is gaining steam as people world-wide choose sides, honest folks like "Goldsprinkles Are Love" choosing the side of good, while wayward souls like Anonymous take the side of evil. Just like those Left Behind books, except without the crazy God stuff. Take this comment, responding to one of TBChamp's Best Posts:

If you think TB has the best tacos, you must be on crack or you are just an idiot. You probably think Mc donalds has the best burguers.

Best "burguers"??? Looks like you're the idiot, Anonymous! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I don't mind if Anonymous has traded in his taste buds for an American Express Black account. His loss. If he hates the Tex-Mex fruit of the Gods, here's something more up his alley: a $3,700 pizza. "Goldsprinkles Are Love" clued me into a story from the Sydney Morning Herald (via the ultimate pizza blog, Slice), about a Scottish chef who made this 10-inch pizza with lamb "medallions," champagne-soaked caviar and lobster marinated in cognac. And to top it off, he added shreds of edible gold. Sounds pretentious AND disgusting.

If Anonymous the AJ wannabe prefers ingesting rare minerals to making a down payment on a car, he can. He pulled the tricks, so he can spend the money how he likes. That's the U.S.ofA.

Anonymous doesn't realize that he isn't just attacking me, he's attacking America. This is more than tacos and burgers (though, obviously, BK has better burgers and McDonalds better fries).
Apparently Anonymous is against my Constitutional Right to the pursuit of happiness. Even if you don't like TB, every red-blooded American should support the right of millions of people in Midtown to MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICE. That includes Taco Bell, even if it's not your favorite.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Thanksgiving Shoes

Had a great Thanksgiving yesterday with a meal rivaling both the best of Taco Bell and my early Thanksgiving turducken. Hope you all had a chance be thankful for the good things in your life, such as the three taco value meal. I think it's also worthwhile to spend a few moments on Thanksgiving remembering the things that you're not thankful for, such as TB's moronic lack of a restaurant in Midtown and grandparents dying. But that's for another post.

No, this post is about how that motherfucker AJ and his ilk tried to ruin my Thanksgiving.

I went to a nice Thanksgiving, a fancy Thanksgiving, the kind of Thanksgiving where (to my consternation) people wear diamonds and ignorantly beat-up on "white trash." I'm ashamed to say that most of these folks disdain Taco Bell. Even so, they're my family, and I had a good time. (I'm embarrassed that my grandpa mistrusts "Krauts," but I still love him.) Anyhoo, I had to dress up for this dinner, and I didn't know what shoes to wear.

Here's where the fucking shit broke loose. I Googled about appropriate shoe attire and found a website that had this to say:

For a classic look, wear your khakis with a pair of martin or tassel loafers to achieve traditional American business style. Another sure bet are Kiltie oxfords -- with or without perforated medallion toe detailing.

That's when I wanted to travel back in time, murder all the pilgrims, and bite off George Washington's dick with his own wooden chompers. Why? Because their dream dies every day that Americans are required to wear "Kiltie oxfords" to fit in. Giving us a choice of "perforated medallion toe detailing" does not a free country make. Since when has Thanksgiving become a stiff-backed affair all about costuming ourselves as pretentious shits? I'd rather eat turkey, watch football, and drunkenly bring up long-standing family taboos. That seems obvious to me, but these days I guess I'm Thinking Outside the Bun.

Guess what? I wore black shoes, and everything worked out just fine.

So in case any of you are faced with fashion problems like this in the future, here are some simple fashion rules that don't offend the forefathers:

1. If you are going to a fancy place/event, wear whatever you own that is most expensive. Doesn't matter what it is.

2. Adjust according to temperature/season. Don't wear a sweater in August (unless you're in the Southern Hemisphere, in which case, wearing a sweater in August would be appropriate).

3. Ask a girl if you look stupid.