Wednesday, January 31, 2007

What Ever Happened to Getting Kicked in the Balls and Monkeys Burning Cash?

From a TB press release about this year's Superbowl ad campaign, pushing the new Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquitos:

The ad features two lions humorously discussing carne asada steak in Taco Bell's typical think outside the bun manner... Taco Bell's innovative food minds have upgraded the taquito... But, we know that not everyone can roll their r's and pronounce carne asada. So, we utilized talking lions to give everyone in America an entertaining language lesson.

Well someone sure fucking loves themselves. Sorry, David, but your a-holes in the press departments came up with something obnoxious ("typical think out side the bun manner"), condescending ("not everyone can roll their r's"), arrogant ("innovative food minds") and idiotic ("two lions humorously discussing"). I was planning to give the commercials a grade, unseen, and then another grade after the Superbowl. Both F's, I imagine. But then, Champions, I noticed what will make this an AWESOME FUCKING COMMERCIAL...

"The voice over talent of legendary actor RICARDO MONTALBAN."

That's right, Kahn himself is teaming up with Taco Bell on Peyton Manning Superbowl Sunday. Is there anything more awesome!?! For the feeble minds of most, No, this is the coolest thing in the universe. However, being the TB Champ, of course I imagined one better scenario:

On a field that is a supernatural fusion of the Continental United States and the Constitution itself, I've arrived with Bill Clinton, Indiana Jones, John Belushi and an unlimited supply of TB tacos to witness the greatest game ever played. And I'm drunk. Pre-game, Alanis "I'm So Awesome People Are Terrified to Admit It" Morissette sings a rockin' version of "Jesse's Girl" as Ernest Hemingway two-times Halle Berry and Number Six from Battlestar Galactica on the Jumbotron. The referees are T.Jeffs and Lincoln, with FDR poppin' wheelies up in the booth. Derek Jeter leads his team--the unlikely pairings of Han Solo & Darth Vader and Captain Kirk & Kahn--onto the gridiron to play America's greatest game (football) against the The Lord God, Jesus Christ.

So anyway, Taco Bell's Superbowl commercials will be awesome. But second to my imagination. (Holy shit, At-Risk kids could learn from me.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i've been looking everywhere for the exact amount of meat that is supposed to be on a taco. they skimpped me. i also got the beefy cheesy thingy and it wasn't beefy. i just wanted to go show them the correct portion sie becasue they told me that was it but i could pay for more. they were sad sad hollow shells of tacos. shouldn't the portion sie be public knowledge or something?