Thursday, December 14, 2006

Americans Losing Resolve

I'll let the results of a CNN Quickvote earlier this morning speak for themselves.

In case you are blind, 62% of respondents said that "the E. coli outbreak made [them] less likely to eat at Taco Bell."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Anti-Taco Bell Bias in the Media

I'm from Minnesota and I just got a disturbing message from my Mom telling me about an E. coli outbreak in my homeland. As I was licking the stamp inviting David Novak to a duel (an axe duel), a little bird whispered in my ear. After heavily medicating myself--birds shouldn't be talking--I went back and did some research:

"Minnesota officials announced that they were investigating an apparent outbreak of E. coli infections tied to a Taco John's restaurant in Albert Lea."

STOP THE TRAIN, 'CAUSE I'M GETTING OFF! Taco John's is also responsible for multi-state, many victim E. coli infection. It seems that Taco Bell isn't the single harbinger of the Armageddon that the media would have us believe.

Why is the national media covering up Taco John's E. coli incidents while relentlessly beating us over the heads with Taco Bell's indigestion atrocities? I found one article on MSNBC that mentions Taco John's gastrointestinal problems, but the TB problems were front page. Could it be because, unlike Taco John's, TB is a nation-wide chain and could spread infection coast-to-coast? Is it because most national media outlets are New York-based and tend to emphasize the tri-state area, forgetting about fly-over country? Is it because over 40 more people have been hospitalized from eating at Taco Bell than at Taco John's?

Of course not. The answer, champions, is that the media has an anti-Taco Bell bias. In academic studies, only 30% of journalists polled are pro-Taco Bell. The moderator on all those Taco Presidential debates always gives easy questions to the Chipotle candidates while attacking TB's guys. And Dan Rather used forged documents to show that David Novak was AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam.

So if you're sitting in the hospital right now with E. coli coursing through your veins (or intestines or lungs or wherever the fuck it lives), just remember: don't believe everything you read. And if you are infected, I hope it was TB that got you sick and not Taco John's. It would be a shame for your last meal to be anything less than the best.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Taco Bell Outbreak: The Cause

Champions, my head's spinning from all the coverage regarding the E. coli outbreak at Taco Bells across the country. I've got a couple of interesting links for you (many provided by readers through email and comments), but most importantly, I've discovered the TRUE CAUSE of the outbreak.

First off, it's worth asking if this outbreak is to Taco Bell what Waterloo was to Napoleon. In other words, is this the end of Taco Bell? Has the Christ of fast food been crucified? In spite of the media war against them, the answer is a resounding NO. The New York Times had a fascinating story about die hard TB Champs willing to risk a sore tum-tum for that delicious TB taste. Sedre Mesidor, who eats at TB frice (four times) each week, had the right idea: “If something happens, it’s meant to happen.” Then he ate a bunch of shit at TB. Doctors are even taking the gambit. I quote, " 'I eat here all the time, and I’m not worried about it,' said one resident physician... [from] Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn." My only objection to the report is to the journalistic UN-integrity of the Times reporter; he apparently accosted TB diners and told them they could die if they ate the food. You're supposed to report the news, not make it, Jagoff.

Next up, a crazy wet-wipe that detects the E. coli bacteria if you smear it all over your food. Sure, Merlin, next you'll tell me that medicated cream can make my hemorrhoids disappear. It doesn't.

Finally, THE TRUE CAUSE of the outbreak isn't undercooked meat or unsanitary TB kitchens. It isn't terrorist contamination or God's punishment for America's alternative lifestyle. No. It's the hubris of David Novak. According to MSNBC, Taco Bell's E. coli came from the California scallions used in TB items--Wait, wait. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say scallions!?! WHY THE FUCK IS TACO BELL USING SCALLIONS!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!! This isn't the fucking "cafe" at the base of the "Eiffel Tower," David! We don't smear fucking "brie" on our Meximelts and we don't drink "pinot noir" with our fiesta potatoes! Whatever happened to onions? Huh, David? I never heard of onions killing anyone (but they do make people cry).

See, champs, it just goes to prove John Candy's dictum that power corrupts but absolute power corrupts absolutely. David comes from humble roots (I'm guessing), and he helped create the greatest American restaurantery ever by combining salt-of-the-earth Mexican and Texan cuisine with Middle-American taste values. Taco Bell was born. But then--amidst all his wealth and power--he grew dissatisfied with that which made him great. He scoffed at the simple things, like onions, and replaced them with fancy-pants bullshit like "scallions." Well, David, you flew too close to the sun and look what happened. People got diarrhea.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

E. Coli Hits Taco Bell (or... The One Commandment)

I've gotten numerous emails and blog comments about the myriad of reports in the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN and elsewhere about the E. coli outbreak at Taco Bell. I know it's caused wide-spread panic and spurred Yum! to remove all green onions from TB products. I'm sure major news outlets have been trying to get in touch with me, but my cell is broken, so here's my official comment.

Before I go on to make fun of the whole incident, let me be on record as saying that my hopes and prayers--and those of Champions around the world--are with the ill. Particularly the elderly, whose already whithered kidneys are being ravaged by Chalupa-bred microbes intent on destroying them (kidneys and elderly alike).

This is a tragic incident in Taco Bell history, not unlike when the USS Maine sank under suspicious circumstances, and yellow-journalists whipped the nation into a frenzy, forcing TB to go to war with Cuba. David Novak should know better than to use sub-par green onions in his otherwise top-notch food, and he should be held personally responsible for any suffering caused.

And yet... And yet... Champions, I'm forced into the position of again providing some context. As I've said before, Taco Bell has one and only one mission, which shall henceforth be known as THE ONE COMMANDMENT. That mission is: Make fucking kick-ass tacos. Everything else is secondary to that goal. And frankly, given the extraordinary level of kick-assedness of TB tacos, it doesn't surprise me that other corners--like decontamination--get cut.

When you're playing RISK with your family over the holidays, are you looking to have "wholesome fun?" Are you looking to fill your younger siblings and cousins with glee? Are you looking to patch up your relationship with your alcoholic uncle? FUCK NO. You're looking to take Australia as a beachhead, start collecting your two extra armies and a RISK card per turn, cash them in for the invasion force, and FUCK EVERYONE UNTIL THEY BLEED AND THE WORLD IS YOURS! In RISK, your One Commandment is to win.

Does Taco Bell's One Commandment to make kick-ass tacos supersede the First Commandment not to kill? Probably not. (I'm not an idiot.) But it does demand that everyone just hold their horses and stop judging.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Border Bullets: Enchiphobia

Some quick TB updates...
  • If TB were around during the time of polio, we'd have had 43 able-bodied Presidents in history. Why? Because they've gotten into the business of curing diseases, like Enchiphobia. Some of you might object and say, "Champ, there is no such disease. Taco Bell invented it as a shameless promotion of the Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito. Even if Enchiphobia did exist, it would be a phobia, not a disease." To that I say, "Would you call blindness a disease, Professor?"
  • Taco Bell is offering a LIFETIME SUPPLY of tacos for your Playstation 3. According to their press release (via The Consumerist), the TB Foundation is going to give the Playstation 3 to the Boys and Girls Club of America. Laudible, certainly, but only the demented mind of David Novak could calculate that $12,500 worth of tacos equals one $600 game, especially considering that heavenly TB tacos far outweigh any gaming experience.
  • I found a podcast of an address TB President and "Chief Concept Officer" Emil Brolick gave on leadership. I'm not sure how much I trust Emil, given that he's Watson to David Novak's Sherlock. He even says, "I don't profess to be an authority on the subject of leadership. I don't even profess to be very good at it." But at least he has a funny photo.

  • Finally, I want to give a special shout-out to PSYdekicks, who clued me into the Playstation story above. He's got his own website about a movie he's writing, and it's worth checking out.