Anti-Taco Bell Bias in the Media

I'm from Minnesota and I just got a disturbing message from my Mom telling me about an E. coli outbreak in my homeland. As I was licking the stamp inviting David Novak to a duel (an axe duel), a little bird whispered in my ear. After heavily medicating myself--birds shouldn't be talking--I went back and did some research:

"Minnesota officials announced that they were investigating an apparent outbreak of E. coli infections tied to a Taco John's restaurant in Albert Lea."

STOP THE TRAIN, 'CAUSE I'M GETTING OFF! Taco John's is also responsible for multi-state, many victim E. coli infection. It seems that Taco Bell isn't the single harbinger of the Armageddon that the media would have us believe.

Why is the national media covering up Taco John's E. coli incidents while relentlessly beating us over the heads with Taco Bell's indigestion atrocities? I found one article on MSNBC that mentions Taco John's gastrointestinal problems, but the TB problems were front page. Could it be because, unlike Taco John's, TB is a nation-wide chain and could spread infection coast-to-coast? Is it because most national media outlets are New York-based and tend to emphasize the tri-state area, forgetting about fly-over country? Is it because over 40 more people have been hospitalized from eating at Taco Bell than at Taco John's?

Of course not. The answer, champions, is that the media has an anti-Taco Bell bias. In academic studies, only 30% of journalists polled are pro-Taco Bell. The moderator on all those Taco Presidential debates always gives easy questions to the Chipotle candidates while attacking TB's guys. And Dan Rather used forged documents to show that David Novak was AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam.

So if you're sitting in the hospital right now with E. coli coursing through your veins (or intestines or lungs or wherever the fuck it lives), just remember: don't believe everything you read. And if you are infected, I hope it was TB that got you sick and not Taco John's. It would be a shame for your last meal to be anything less than the best.