Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Taco Bell Hacker: Champion of All Time

Thanks to commenter "your mom," this is one of my favorite posts of all time. Why? Because we've discovered someone with as much Taco Bell fervor as the Taco Bell Champion. He is--as of yet--unidentified, but I am offering a reward of $50 Bell Bucks to find him. (According to TB's math, that's a month's supply of tacos!) So, sir, email me at to claim your prize. On to the heroics...

From "The Tech," MIT's campus newspaper:

"Roughly 2,000 students responded to a recent survey regarding the future of the [Campus] Food Court, showing strong support for Thai, Italian, and Chinese cuisine. However, according to Director of Campus Dining Richard Berlin, 'Some hacker voted for Taco Bell about a thousand times.' "

ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT, MUTHAFUCKER! It must be Christmas, and I'm Mary with two awesome presents: a new baby who happens to be the Son of God, and heavenly permission to get dirty with my hubby Joseph for the first time!!!

Now this dude, let's call him TB Hacker until we discover his true identity, is a Champion for the ages. He apparently suffers from the same fate that we in Midtown do: a lamentable lack of Taco Bells. But did he whine and cry about it? Did he quit studying engineering or science to go home to suburbia, lush with TBs? Did he just go on eating at " Anna's Taqueria," which I imagine to be a bullshit Mercadito-style taco dining experience?

NO, HE SURE AS FUCK DIDN'T! He took matters into his own hands. He used his computer nerd smarts to vote at least a thousand times for Taco Bell. No hanging chads for this mo-fo. This guy is on the front lines of the TB Revolution, breaking the Nazi Enigma code and saving millions of Allies (Champions). And he did it through RAW BRAINPOWER and SHEER GUMPTION.

Now, I'm sure some of you are out there thinking that I should step back to consider the larger ramifications of TB Hacker's actions. After all, I've written about TB representing the best of America; doesn't this inherently undemocratic act warrant our condemnation, not our glorification? In some sense, sure, he sacrificed the most basic, important and honorable principles of our great society to get a fast food restaurant he marginally prefers over a swath of other unhealthy, cheap but still over-priced alternatives. Big whup. He's speaking for the silent majority of good, honest, MIT students eager for Taco Bell. So the ends justify the means.

I salute you, TB Hacker. Come forward and claim your prize.

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