Friday, November 03, 2006

Tell Mariska Hargitay to Bring the Kit

Let me pose this question to you, champions: "Could you pick out your rapist in a lineup?" I watch enough SVU to know the trauma victims go through, and depending on the circumstances (DARK ALLEY), it isn't as easy as it sounds. But what if you were repeatedly raped? Say, every day since October 16. And what if everyone you know was also, simultaneously, being raped? What if I told you that you were being raped right now?

Well let's try it. Which one of these is your rapist?
1. Tom Hanks
5. UNICEF
2. Gap's (Product) Red Campaign
4. Ted Haggard
3. Squirrels

WRONG! None of these are raping you; The Cheesy Gordita Crunch Cheesiest Pick Up Lines Contest is raping you, me, and everyone in America. On the surface, this is a fantastic contest to promote an interesting new TB menu item by offering winners "a free months worth of Taco Bell food." Here's where the dream becomes a nightmare. Taco Bell barristers define one month's worth of TB food at only $50--about ten meals. Bullshit. There's a word for eating only ten meals a month: anorexia nervosa.

Now here's where the nightmare becomes a rape. The winner of the Grand Prize gets "a year's supply of Taco Bell food"... but you actually only get $350 in Bell Bucks!!!! Using Taco Bell's already flawed logic that a month of TB food is $50, a year must be seven months long. That's five month's short (look it up). There's a word for eating only 35 meals in a normal, twelve-month year: not enough food.

Now you know. Buy pepper spray.

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