Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tour of Force!!!

The last week or so has been exciting, not only because interest in the Champion has grown, but because I've been to hell and back. Yes, I've been on a week-long binge. Alcohol binge? No, I was in DARE. Taco Bell binge? I wish. No, no, I went on a binge hoping to cleanse myself of the TB yearnings that this blog is only fueling.

Last week I ate pizza for ten strait days. (Ten days is more than a week, you say? Well I say, go add up how many times you've had sex, Nerd.) I had pizza every day--sometimes twice a day--for ten strait days. Here's what I learned:

1) If I put left over pizza in the refrigerator, I do not eat it later. Maybe you can, but with Ray's and Dominos on speed dial, I don't have the discipline to cook the refrigerator shit.

2) Dominos is better than Ray's. Sorry, New York, I kept giving Ray's a try but the taste-to-value ratio just isn't high enough. I ordered a medium, double-pepperoni pizza from Rays and it cost $20 after tip. Never again. Never. Again.

3) Italy can go fuck itself. I keep trying expensive "authentic" pizza and it is not as good as Americanized pizza. I want sauce and melted cheese, not tomato chunks and grated shit. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly aware that I'm wearing the rose-colored glasses of my culture and if I visit a blue culture I will confidently report that everything is purple. Sociology, folks. Point being, Italians are free to prefer their authentic food, but when I eat it, I want American taste specialists to add fat, salt, artificial flavoring, etc. so that it better agrees with my palette.

4) Pizza is not particularly hard on the digestive system, even after ten days. Trust me, one night at White Castle (which is an awesome taste explosion) will hurt more than a week of pizza.

5) Pizza is good. But it ain't tacos and it certainly ain't Taco Bell tacos. This journey has only confirmed for me that Taco Bell is the only food I could eat every day and (a) not get sick, and (b) continue to enjoy. ARE YOU LISTENING, DAVID C. NOVAK!?!

But what is the most important thing I learned? I learned a little more about myself.

As I alluded in the beginning of this post, this blog is exacerbating, not assuaging, my daily yearnings for Taco Bell. In case you didn't notice, I was absent for a while. I was eating pizza and asking myself: "Is this revolution really worth the cost?" "Is the payoff worth the price?" "Is the penalty worth the reward?" For a while, there, I thought the answer was no. Then I looked at the calendar and found an egg basket under my bed. And I remembered that there was another "Man" who sacrificed himself, paying the ultimate price for the rest of us. If he can do it, I can do it. Viva the Revolution!

-TB Champion


P.S. Thanks to all those who posted with Midtown TB locations. I've got a response in the pipeline, but the long and the short of it is, "Thanks but no thanks." I guess we've got a difference of opinion regarding the boundaries of Midtown. You seem to use "maps" and "common knowledge." I define Midtown as being Times Square and the area right around my office. 2nd Ave don't help me, fellas.

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