Border Politics

"I sincerely hope that we may continue to minimize the evils likely to arise from immigration without unnecessary friction and by mutual concessions between self-respecting governments."
- President William Howard Taft, 1909*

With the elections approaching, I make sure to read the papers over my morning Chalupa (or Wheaties). One issue at the mid-front is immigration--illegal immigration, English as the national language, melting pot vs. salad bowl, etc. But among the chorus of voices in this debate, one is missing. The UN General Assembly is waiting, David Novak.

"But Champion," Mr. nay-sayer interrupts, "as Taft says, immigration concessions must be made by governments, not the greatest restaurant chain in the history of the world." My reply: "Go back to the aughts, Jag-off!" Snivelingly: "But these are the aughts of the twenty-fir--UGGHH" [slit throat]

Let's face facts, Champions. Taco Bell isn't just our favorite place to eat, it's also one of the most powerful NGOs in the world. Here are the rankings, according to me:
1. Red Cross / Red Crescent
2. World Trade Organization
3. Catholic Church
4. Taco Bell
5. NCIS

Taco Bell! You represent the best of multi-culturalism: taking another culture's food, making it taste better, and mass-producing it cheaply. You can be a beacon, a guiding light, a light-house, for the entire world in these tough times! But instead you irresponsibly encourage us to "Run for the Border." Who among us should run? Why? What of the consequences to the labor market and to entitlement programs? Policy, sirs, is not written on the backs of hot sauce packets.

The international community expects more from you, Taco Bell. The Red Cross may as well start torturing dudes.