Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Albert Pujols is a Choker

No free tacos, champions. There were ZERO home runs tonight, so it looks like we're all out $0.77 each (according to TB's estimate). A longer post tomorrow, but needless to say, I'm disappointed.



The St. Louis Cardinals and the Detroit Tigers failed America last night. Combined, the two teams totaled 387 home runs in the regular season, meaning they averaged 1.2 home runs per game. Each. That means we could expect an average of 2.4 home runs in games they play against each other. That's not magic, it's SCIENCE. But how many did they manage last night? None. And how many people are taco-less? Millions . Now there's a number I understand. (Actually it's quite mind-boggling. It's like a stack of paper to the moon and back seven times, or something.)

Who do I blame for this? First and foremost, I blame the pitchers, specifically Chris Carpenter. His team was up four runs to none in the 8th inning. Would it kill you to give up a homer and bring joy to crippled children across the country? Crippled children, whose medical bills have sucked their parents so dry they can't put food on the table, are the ones in need of free tacos now. How about you try rolling home from two-a-day chemo treatment with only stale cabbage to look forward to, Chris? Not everyone is making $5,000,000.00 this year. Have a heart for Christ's sake.

I also blame the hitters. I'm tempted to blame racist hitters like Scott Rolen, Chris Duncan and Craig Monroe, who seem to have something against Tex-Mex culture. Vote Polk, right guys? But the truth of the matter is that Albert Pujols, Juan Encarnacion, Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen should be most ashamed. They know what taco-y goodness is! They know because they lived it, lived with a warm fuzzy feeling in their guts that says, "It's ok, you've got tacos in here, ignore the suffering around you and rejoice." But we won't know that feeling on November 1 between 2:00 and 5:00pm, when Taco Bell would have made free tacos available. All because you couldn't hit in the clutch.

-TB Champion

P.S. Derek Jeter would have won us all free tacos.

No comments: