E. Coli Hits Taco Bell (or... The One Commandment)

I've gotten numerous emails and blog comments about the myriad of reports in the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN and elsewhere about the E. coli outbreak at Taco Bell. I know it's caused wide-spread panic and spurred Yum! to remove all green onions from TB products. I'm sure major news outlets have been trying to get in touch with me, but my cell is broken, so here's my official comment.

Before I go on to make fun of the whole incident, let me be on record as saying that my hopes and prayers--and those of Champions around the world--are with the ill. Particularly the elderly, whose already whithered kidneys are being ravaged by Chalupa-bred microbes intent on destroying them (kidneys and elderly alike).

This is a tragic incident in Taco Bell history, not unlike when the USS Maine sank under suspicious circumstances, and yellow-journalists whipped the nation into a frenzy, forcing TB to go to war with Cuba. David Novak should know better than to use sub-par green onions in his otherwise top-notch food, and he should be held personally responsible for any suffering caused.

And yet... And yet... Champions, I'm forced into the position of again providing some context. As I've said before, Taco Bell has one and only one mission, which shall henceforth be known as THE ONE COMMANDMENT. That mission is: Make fucking kick-ass tacos. Everything else is secondary to that goal. And frankly, given the extraordinary level of kick-assedness of TB tacos, it doesn't surprise me that other corners--like decontamination--get cut.

When you're playing RISK with your family over the holidays, are you looking to have "wholesome fun?" Are you looking to fill your younger siblings and cousins with glee? Are you looking to patch up your relationship with your alcoholic uncle? FUCK NO. You're looking to take Australia as a beachhead, start collecting your two extra armies and a RISK card per turn, cash them in for the invasion force, and FUCK EVERYONE UNTIL THEY BLEED AND THE WORLD IS YOURS! In RISK, your One Commandment is to win.

Does Taco Bell's One Commandment to make kick-ass tacos supersede the First Commandment not to kill? Probably not. (I'm not an idiot.) But it does demand that everyone just hold their horses and stop judging.