Had a great Thanksgiving yesterday with a meal rivaling both the best of Taco Bell and my early Thanksgiving turducken. Hope you all had a chance be thankful for the good things in your life, such as the three taco value meal. I think it's also worthwhile to spend a few moments on Thanksgiving remembering the things that you're not thankful for, such as TB's moronic lack of a restaurant in Midtown and grandparents dying. But that's for another post.
No, this post is about how that motherfucker AJ and his ilk tried to ruin my Thanksgiving.
I went to a nice Thanksgiving, a fancy Thanksgiving, the kind of Thanksgiving where (to my consternation) people wear diamonds and ignorantly beat-up on "white trash." I'm ashamed to say that most of these folks disdain Taco Bell. Even so, they're my family, and I had a good time. (I'm embarrassed that my grandpa mistrusts "Krauts," but I still love him.) Anyhoo, I had to dress up for this dinner, and I didn't know what shoes to wear.
Here's where the fucking shit broke loose. I Googled about appropriate shoe attire and found a website that had this to say:
For a classic look, wear your khakis with a pair of martin or tassel loafers to achieve traditional American business style. Another sure bet are Kiltie oxfords -- with or without perforated medallion toe detailing.
That's when I wanted to travel back in time, murder all the pilgrims, and bite off George Washington's dick with his own wooden chompers. Why? Because their dream dies every day that Americans are required to wear "Kiltie oxfords" to fit in. Giving us a choice of "perforated medallion toe detailing" does not a free country make. Since when has Thanksgiving become a stiff-backed affair all about costuming ourselves as pretentious shits? I'd rather eat turkey, watch football, and drunkenly bring up long-standing family taboos. That seems obvious to me, but these days I guess I'm Thinking Outside the Bun.
Guess what? I wore black shoes, and everything worked out just fine.
So in case any of you are faced with fashion problems like this in the future, here are some simple fashion rules that don't offend the forefathers:
1. If you are going to a fancy place/event, wear whatever you own that is most expensive. Doesn't matter what it is.
2. Adjust according to temperature/season. Don't wear a sweater in August (unless you're in the Southern Hemisphere, in which case, wearing a sweater in August would be appropriate).
3. Ask a girl if you look stupid.
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