Today is election day, Champions, and I hope you all get a chance to vote. When I woke up this morning I did what all smart, well-informed, handsome people do on election day: I flipped on my set and watched the Today Show. Those people are fucking high. Within a span of five minutes they had segments on: the election, an interview with the new Bond Girl, cooking pasta, and the horrors of head lice. (Not a joke.)
Regardless, looking at the election map, I found myself wondering where Taco Bell falls in the culture wars. I compiled a scientific list.
WHO LOVES TACO BELL?
President George W. Bush
President Clinton
Latinos (obviously)
Yum! Brand shareholders
Low-income minorities
Low-income whites (non-union)
WHO HATES TACO BELL?
Senator John Kerry
Vice-President Cheney (it would kill him)
Vegetarians/exercise enthusiasts
Effete liberal elites
Racists
As you can see, it's impossible to tell. Until we have clear positions from Taco Bell on baby killing and gay bashing, TB can only be described as NON-PARTISAN. Just like my hero.
One final note, I'm sad to see that our revolution has yet to make its way into the political process. The House Representative for the district where I work is named Carolyn B. Maloney. (Because I'm very witty, I refer to her as Carolyn M. BALONEY at dinner soirees.) She's running against Daniel Maio, and neither candidate has taken a stance on opening a Taco Bell in midtown. Lamentable. I guess that means that, just like blacks in the South, we'll need to rely on the courts for justice.
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