Just got an email from a loyal champion asking why I didn't do a "spooky Halloween post." Two reasons. First, I'm not a slave to the calendar. I don't need some fucking egghead with a telescope telling me what to do; I'll plant my crops whenever the hell I feel like it.
Second, have you ever heard of an INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!?! You might not be aware of this, but the revolution to get a Taco Bell in Midtown (Manhattan) has gone world-wide. As I've noted here and here, we have visitors from all corners of the globe, and the last thing I want to do is alienate them with talk of America's Devil Night. "Here Mr. Goldsteinberg, have some delicious scallops wrapped in bacon and cheese." That's not how I roll.
According to Taco Bell Champion's site meter, 5-10% of champions live abroad. The last 100 visitors have included folks from:
- Al Manyal, Egypt
- Auckland, New Zealand
- Balham, U.K.
- Bern, Switzerland
- Buenos Aires, Argentina
- Lakonia, Greece
- Paris, France
I will die and go to heaven if either a Taco Bell opens across the street from my office or if I see visitors from Irkutsk on the site.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Bach is a Champion
Why do bloggers hate Johann Sebastian Bach? That's what I want to know.
I've been cruising the blogosphere for champions to recruit andstumbled across a post on the Old Fish and Lemonade blog assaultingthe Cheesy Gordita Cruch. I haven't had a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, so I can't criticise OFAL's conclusion. I do, however, stridently disagree with his reasoning. OFAL makes an observation I've made before, that TB uses the same ingredients in their items. But rather than seeing the beauty of it, he says it's "the same shit every time" and "retarded."
Johann Sebastian Bach would disagree. You know, only the most genius composer in the universe ever. See, he wrote little ditties called Fugues that take the same theme and re-work it over and over again, crafting a perfect balance between simplicity and complexity. Sounds a hell of a lot like taco beef, cheese, lettuce and tomato to me. The TB menu is today's Orchestral Suite No. 3. But I guess that Bach just wrote "the same shit every time" and that's it's "retarded."
SNAP!
P.S. As a side note, OFAL claims that Taco Bell gives you the "shits." Probably because he's got weak digestive and immune systems. Know what you do when a baby gets sick? You let it fight the infection so it develops antibodies. (Antibodies?, he asks. Get a dictionary. Dictionary? A word explaining book, Webster.) But OFAL won't do that with his baby. He'll get a nice prescription, and then when the kid's twelve--WHAMO! Dead from the flu.
I've been cruising the blogosphere for champions to recruit andstumbled across a post on the Old Fish and Lemonade blog assaultingthe Cheesy Gordita Cruch. I haven't had a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, so I can't criticise OFAL's conclusion. I do, however, stridently disagree with his reasoning. OFAL makes an observation I've made before, that TB uses the same ingredients in their items. But rather than seeing the beauty of it, he says it's "the same shit every time" and "retarded."
Johann Sebastian Bach would disagree. You know, only the most genius composer in the universe ever. See, he wrote little ditties called Fugues that take the same theme and re-work it over and over again, crafting a perfect balance between simplicity and complexity. Sounds a hell of a lot like taco beef, cheese, lettuce and tomato to me. The TB menu is today's Orchestral Suite No. 3. But I guess that Bach just wrote "the same shit every time" and that's it's "retarded."
SNAP!
P.S. As a side note, OFAL claims that Taco Bell gives you the "shits." Probably because he's got weak digestive and immune systems. Know what you do when a baby gets sick? You let it fight the infection so it develops antibodies. (Antibodies?, he asks. Get a dictionary. Dictionary? A word explaining book, Webster.) But OFAL won't do that with his baby. He'll get a nice prescription, and then when the kid's twelve--WHAMO! Dead from the flu.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Applying the Double-Decker Principle to Thanksgiving
I attended an early Thanksgiving feast yesterday, and it is one of the few times I didn't regret skipping out on the Bell. That's because the hosts applied Taco Bell principles when preparing our meal, in this case the "double-decker" principle of putting one delicious food inside another, as with the Double-Decker Taco.
We ate Turducken. It's a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. With Italian sausage, cornbread and traditional stuffing in between the meat layers. It's the Grande Soft Taco of turkey dinners.
If that wasn't enough, they also lowered an entire pig into a hot pit in the ground, covered it with soil, and let it cook for ten hours. Then we dug it up and ate it. No TB principles here, but still hard-core.
Stop crying! I know you Lady Champions just can't stand looking at that dead pig's head, and I know you Sausages out there don't like the sensation of your testes shrinking because you didn't cook a pig in a pit and then eat it. Suck it up for the cause! Where would the Soviet Revolution be if Trotsky just walked away because Lenin got all the chicks? Deal with it.
Lessons to remember:
-- There are meals clearly less healthy than TB (e.g. Turducken and pig in a pit)
-- Taco Bell Principles can be applied outside the food court (e.g. Thanksgiving, architecture and midwifery)
-- I ate four meats--five if the Italian sausage had beef in it--in one meal, reminding us all again why I am The Champion and you are not (i.e. I am a muthafuckin' badass).
-- I properly use "i.e." and "e.g."
We ate Turducken. It's a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. With Italian sausage, cornbread and traditional stuffing in between the meat layers. It's the Grande Soft Taco of turkey dinners.
If that wasn't enough, they also lowered an entire pig into a hot pit in the ground, covered it with soil, and let it cook for ten hours. Then we dug it up and ate it. No TB principles here, but still hard-core.
Stop crying! I know you Lady Champions just can't stand looking at that dead pig's head, and I know you Sausages out there don't like the sensation of your testes shrinking because you didn't cook a pig in a pit and then eat it. Suck it up for the cause! Where would the Soviet Revolution be if Trotsky just walked away because Lenin got all the chicks? Deal with it.Lessons to remember:
-- There are meals clearly less healthy than TB (e.g. Turducken and pig in a pit)
-- Taco Bell Principles can be applied outside the food court (e.g. Thanksgiving, architecture and midwifery)
-- I ate four meats--five if the Italian sausage had beef in it--in one meal, reminding us all again why I am The Champion and you are not (i.e. I am a muthafuckin' badass).
-- I properly use "i.e." and "e.g."
Friday, October 27, 2006
Border Bullets: Britney Federline
Some quick TB updates...
- Britney Spears loves Taco Bell! Apparently she got some drive-through with her sister. Here's a pic of her taking the bag (do those look like Classic crunchy tacos!?!). More can be found at JustJarod.com
- Am I the Son of God? You didn't hear it from me, folks. Two loyal readers kept tabs on the site in spite of 174 days absence and made some Christ comparisons upon my return. Johnny said, "Jesus woulda risen 58 times!" and af says, "I never thought the rapture would occur during my lifetime, but praise Jesus, the Messiah is Come!" Hope things end differently for me.
- It's old, but a reader emailed me a video of David Novak himself! Smart. Strapping. Sexy.
- The Taco Bell Champion! Resurgence has gone overseas. Since the new posts, champions have visited from Hong Kong, Turkey and the Netherlands.
- I'm considering making some Taco Bell Champion t-shirts. Email me if you think that's a good/bad idea or if you have any ideas for the design.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
From "Crunched," the Fictionalized Autobiography of David Novak
Can a woman's flesh be colder than ice?
As consciousness slowly seeped into my vivid dreams--me killing terrorists, on a big boat, as usual--this was the question that gripped me. Standing over Osama's corpse, my eyes crept open, revealing the glare of the bright sun shining through the cracked and crusty blinds. The blinds of a flop-house are wiser than any man. Perpetually closed, they're eternally exposed to both sides of the world. The sunny street, teeming with promise, hope and people striving to make their insignificant bit of the Earth better. And the other side--the inside--a debauched, hidden place where only the opposite of hope thrives.
My eyes refocused on my watch atop the night-stand, or rather the metal folding chair used for that purpose. I can only imagine what other uses the guests at this home of pleasure and horror made of that chair. 3:72pm. Shit. Another board meeting flushed down the toilet of time. Slowly, my other senses began to awaken. The chalky taste of last night's quaaludes. An aroma next, unforgettable: day-old Chicken Quesadillas and Chalupas. Between fifteen and sixteen hours old, judging from the smell.
Then my flesh. I begin to do what we humans pitifully describe as feel. Poor choice, that word, because while I can "feel" a white hot poker sizzling through muscle and bone, what I truly feel is loneliness, heartache, despair. We ought to have two words for feel. The first thing I feel is heaviness, on my left side, trapping my arm. Motionless, soul-crushing weight. I look--it's Diane. Or Suzanne. Or Lianne. Whatever her name was, the object of my drug-fueled desires last night. Her nude body, pale--too pale--her stomach showing traces of powder. White Gold. With delicious nacho cheese smeared... down there. Then I feel more. Coolness. Coldness. Bitter, freezing pain. Can a woman's flesh be colder than ice?
Finally, my fifth sense returns from my dreams to the dirty world where we all live. I can hear... nothing. No breath. No heartbeat. Roxanne? Dead.
My lips whisper, "Not again."
to be continued...
As consciousness slowly seeped into my vivid dreams--me killing terrorists, on a big boat, as usual--this was the question that gripped me. Standing over Osama's corpse, my eyes crept open, revealing the glare of the bright sun shining through the cracked and crusty blinds. The blinds of a flop-house are wiser than any man. Perpetually closed, they're eternally exposed to both sides of the world. The sunny street, teeming with promise, hope and people striving to make their insignificant bit of the Earth better. And the other side--the inside--a debauched, hidden place where only the opposite of hope thrives.
My eyes refocused on my watch atop the night-stand, or rather the metal folding chair used for that purpose. I can only imagine what other uses the guests at this home of pleasure and horror made of that chair. 3:72pm. Shit. Another board meeting flushed down the toilet of time. Slowly, my other senses began to awaken. The chalky taste of last night's quaaludes. An aroma next, unforgettable: day-old Chicken Quesadillas and Chalupas. Between fifteen and sixteen hours old, judging from the smell.
Then my flesh. I begin to do what we humans pitifully describe as feel. Poor choice, that word, because while I can "feel" a white hot poker sizzling through muscle and bone, what I truly feel is loneliness, heartache, despair. We ought to have two words for feel. The first thing I feel is heaviness, on my left side, trapping my arm. Motionless, soul-crushing weight. I look--it's Diane. Or Suzanne. Or Lianne. Whatever her name was, the object of my drug-fueled desires last night. Her nude body, pale--too pale--her stomach showing traces of powder. White Gold. With delicious nacho cheese smeared... down there. Then I feel more. Coolness. Coldness. Bitter, freezing pain. Can a woman's flesh be colder than ice?
Finally, my fifth sense returns from my dreams to the dirty world where we all live. I can hear... nothing. No breath. No heartbeat. Roxanne? Dead.
My lips whisper, "Not again."
to be continued...
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Albert Pujols is a Choker
No free tacos, champions. There were ZERO home runs tonight, so it looks like we're all out $0.77 each (according to TB's estimate). A longer post tomorrow, but needless to say, I'm disappointed.
-----
***UPDATE***
The St. Louis Cardinals and the Detroit Tigers failed America last night. Combined, the two teams totaled 387 home runs in the regular season, meaning they averaged 1.2 home runs per game. Each. That means we could expect an average of 2.4 home runs in games they play against each other. That's not magic, it's SCIENCE. But how many did they manage last night? None. And how many people are taco-less? Millions . Now there's a number I understand. (Actually it's quite mind-boggling. It's like a stack of paper to the moon and back seven times, or something.)
Who do I blame for this? First and foremost, I blame the pitchers, specifically Chris Carpenter. His team was up four runs to none in the 8th inning. Would it kill you to give up a homer and bring joy to crippled children across the country? Crippled children, whose medical bills have sucked their parents so dry they can't put food on the table, are the ones in need of free tacos now. How about you try rolling home from two-a-day chemo treatment with only stale cabbage to look forward to, Chris? Not everyone is making $5,000,000.00 this year. Have a heart for Christ's sake.
I also blame the hitters. I'm tempted to blame racist hitters like Scott Rolen, Chris Duncan and Craig Monroe, who seem to have something against Tex-Mex culture. Vote Polk, right guys? But the truth of the matter is that Albert Pujols, Juan Encarnacion, Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen should be most ashamed. They know what taco-y goodness is! They know because they lived it, lived with a warm fuzzy feeling in their guts that says, "It's ok, you've got tacos in here, ignore the suffering around you and rejoice." But we won't know that feeling on November 1 between 2:00 and 5:00pm, when Taco Bell would have made free tacos available. All because you couldn't hit in the clutch.
-TB Champion
P.S. Derek Jeter would have won us all free tacos.
-----
***UPDATE***
The St. Louis Cardinals and the Detroit Tigers failed America last night. Combined, the two teams totaled 387 home runs in the regular season, meaning they averaged 1.2 home runs per game. Each. That means we could expect an average of 2.4 home runs in games they play against each other. That's not magic, it's SCIENCE. But how many did they manage last night? None. And how many people are taco-less? Millions . Now there's a number I understand. (Actually it's quite mind-boggling. It's like a stack of paper to the moon and back seven times, or something.)
Who do I blame for this? First and foremost, I blame the pitchers, specifically Chris Carpenter. His team was up four runs to none in the 8th inning. Would it kill you to give up a homer and bring joy to crippled children across the country? Crippled children, whose medical bills have sucked their parents so dry they can't put food on the table, are the ones in need of free tacos now. How about you try rolling home from two-a-day chemo treatment with only stale cabbage to look forward to, Chris? Not everyone is making $5,000,000.00 this year. Have a heart for Christ's sake.
I also blame the hitters. I'm tempted to blame racist hitters like Scott Rolen, Chris Duncan and Craig Monroe, who seem to have something against Tex-Mex culture. Vote Polk, right guys? But the truth of the matter is that Albert Pujols, Juan Encarnacion, Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen should be most ashamed. They know what taco-y goodness is! They know because they lived it, lived with a warm fuzzy feeling in their guts that says, "It's ok, you've got tacos in here, ignore the suffering around you and rejoice." But we won't know that feeling on November 1 between 2:00 and 5:00pm, when Taco Bell would have made free tacos available. All because you couldn't hit in the clutch.
-TB Champion
P.S. Derek Jeter would have won us all free tacos.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Think Outside The Park
If anyone hits a home run to left field in tonight's World Series game, everyone in America wins a free TB taco. Now, if you're like Ronald Regan--and I know you are--you Trust but Verify. Well, here's your verification, you fascist: Official link to Taco Bell's Think Outside The Park Contest. In spite of all my criticisms of TB (such as its embarassing failure to open a restaurant in Midtown), I think this is a fabulous promotion. Here's why.
First off, FREE TACO.
Second, I respect Taco Bell's support of our national past time. Everyone's hopping on the NASCAR or Futbol (soccer) waggon these days--I'm talking to you, Verizon Wireless--but those aren't truly American sports like the ol' bats-and-balls. I like baseball because you can be fat and slow and still kick ass. That's THE AMERICAN DREAM. But by bringing the Bell into baseball, we're also helping to internationalize the game. It's time to sweep baseball's segregated past under the rug, and how better to do it than by replacing hot dogs with Meximelts? It's no coincidence that Park Dogs resemble Lou Gehrig's penis and not Jackie Robinson's. The symbolism is obvious; might as well wear a hood, Bud Selig.
Third, this can only grow Taco Bell's consumer base by introducing new people to the glorious TB taste. I've always argued that TB is like crack-cocaine . It is similarly addictive and makes you feel even better! Why not take a page from the crack-dealers' handbook? The first taste should be free. Maybe someday the thick-skulls at Yum! will find their own assholes and follow this advice; until then, the free taco World Series promotion is a good first step.
First off, FREE TACO.
Second, I respect Taco Bell's support of our national past time. Everyone's hopping on the NASCAR or Futbol (soccer) waggon these days--I'm talking to you, Verizon Wireless--but those aren't truly American sports like the ol' bats-and-balls. I like baseball because you can be fat and slow and still kick ass. That's THE AMERICAN DREAM. But by bringing the Bell into baseball, we're also helping to internationalize the game. It's time to sweep baseball's segregated past under the rug, and how better to do it than by replacing hot dogs with Meximelts? It's no coincidence that Park Dogs resemble Lou Gehrig's penis and not Jackie Robinson's. The symbolism is obvious; might as well wear a hood, Bud Selig.
Third, this can only grow Taco Bell's consumer base by introducing new people to the glorious TB taste. I've always argued that TB is like crack-cocaine . It is similarly addictive and makes you feel even better! Why not take a page from the crack-dealers' handbook? The first taste should be free. Maybe someday the thick-skulls at Yum! will find their own assholes and follow this advice; until then, the free taco World Series promotion is a good first step.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Border Politics
"I sincerely hope that we may continue to minimize the evils likely to arise from immigration without unnecessary friction and by mutual concessions between self-respecting governments."
- President William Howard Taft, 1909*
With the elections approaching, I make sure to read the papers over my morning Chalupa (or Wheaties). One issue at the mid-front is immigration--illegal immigration, English as the national language, melting pot vs. salad bowl, etc. But among the chorus of voices in this debate, one is missing. The UN General Assembly is waiting, David Novak.
"But Champion," Mr. nay-sayer interrupts, "as Taft says, immigration concessions must be made by governments, not the greatest restaurant chain in the history of the world." My reply: "Go back to the aughts, Jag-off!" Snivelingly: "But these are the aughts of the twenty-fir--UGGHH" [slit throat]
Let's face facts, Champions. Taco Bell isn't just our favorite place to eat, it's also one of the most powerful NGOs in the world. Here are the rankings, according to me:
1. Red Cross / Red Crescent
2. World Trade Organization
3. Catholic Church
4. Taco Bell
5. NCIS
Taco Bell! You represent the best of multi-culturalism: taking another culture's food, making it taste better, and mass-producing it cheaply. You can be a beacon, a guiding light, a light-house, for the entire world in these tough times! But instead you irresponsibly encourage us to "Run for the Border." Who among us should run? Why? What of the consequences to the labor market and to entitlement programs? Policy, sirs, is not written on the backs of hot sauce packets.
The international community expects more from you, Taco Bell. The Red Cross may as well start torturing dudes.
- President William Howard Taft, 1909*
With the elections approaching, I make sure to read the papers over my morning Chalupa (or Wheaties). One issue at the mid-front is immigration--illegal immigration, English as the national language, melting pot vs. salad bowl, etc. But among the chorus of voices in this debate, one is missing. The UN General Assembly is waiting, David Novak.
"But Champion," Mr. nay-sayer interrupts, "as Taft says, immigration concessions must be made by governments, not the greatest restaurant chain in the history of the world." My reply: "Go back to the aughts, Jag-off!" Snivelingly: "But these are the aughts of the twenty-fir--UGGHH" [slit throat]
Let's face facts, Champions. Taco Bell isn't just our favorite place to eat, it's also one of the most powerful NGOs in the world. Here are the rankings, according to me:
1. Red Cross / Red Crescent
2. World Trade Organization
3. Catholic Church
4. Taco Bell
5. NCIS
Taco Bell! You represent the best of multi-culturalism: taking another culture's food, making it taste better, and mass-producing it cheaply. You can be a beacon, a guiding light, a light-house, for the entire world in these tough times! But instead you irresponsibly encourage us to "Run for the Border." Who among us should run? Why? What of the consequences to the labor market and to entitlement programs? Policy, sirs, is not written on the backs of hot sauce packets.
The international community expects more from you, Taco Bell. The Red Cross may as well start torturing dudes.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Boardwalk for Oriental Avenue?
"Hey, you there! Would you like to trade me Boardwalk for Oriental Avenue? You know, the most valuable property on the board for one of the craptastic baby-blue ones. The Boardwalk rent is four times that of Oriental--it's a no brainer. What's that? You don't have any other baby-blue properties? Even so, you shouldn't pass up this opportunity to trade guaranteed success for absolute shit."
If we were playing Monopoly and you suggested this trade to the Champ, I would rape your dog. Anyone who isn't an idiot would. But Taco Bell is apparently an idiot. Introducing the new Nacho Cheese Gordita.
The Nacho Cheese Gordita defiles the delicious Supreme Gordita (second on the savory scale to only the original TB taco) by replacing good, honest, Mexo-American shredded cheese with artificial, liquid, nacho cheese. My feelings regarding nacho cheese are well documented, particularly in relation to the Crunchwrap Supreme. Put simply, it is dramatically inferior to Classic shredded cheese in all cases save nacho dipping.
At least its use in the Crunchwrap is explicable: TB flavor scientists were making something new, assembling bits from other menu items into a Frankenstein-ian monster of taste. Not true for the Nacho Cheese Gordita. They took something fantastic, made a single change, and ruined it.
Next on the Taco Bell agenda: replacing Halle Berry's vagina with a penis.
If we were playing Monopoly and you suggested this trade to the Champ, I would rape your dog. Anyone who isn't an idiot would. But Taco Bell is apparently an idiot. Introducing the new Nacho Cheese Gordita.
The Nacho Cheese Gordita defiles the delicious Supreme Gordita (second on the savory scale to only the original TB taco) by replacing good, honest, Mexo-American shredded cheese with artificial, liquid, nacho cheese. My feelings regarding nacho cheese are well documented, particularly in relation to the Crunchwrap Supreme. Put simply, it is dramatically inferior to Classic shredded cheese in all cases save nacho dipping.
At least its use in the Crunchwrap is explicable: TB flavor scientists were making something new, assembling bits from other menu items into a Frankenstein-ian monster of taste. Not true for the Nacho Cheese Gordita. They took something fantastic, made a single change, and ruined it.
Next on the Taco Bell agenda: replacing Halle Berry's vagina with a penis.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Back in business MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's been exactly 174 days since I last posted (5 months, 21 days for the curious). And it's all my fault. Because I lack resolve. I suck. But that's over now because my goal--OUR GOAL--has still not been met. TACO BELL IN MIDTOWN WILL BECOME A REALITY. I'll cleanse the demons that have built up this half-year in four steps:
1. Apology
2. Un-Apology
3. Reawakening
4. Update List
APOLOGY
Sorry, everyone, for not posting so long and leaving you in the desert, suffering all alone.
UN-APOLOGY
Here's my bullshit rationalization for why I stopped posting (effectively undercutting the sincerity of my apology). Number #1: I don't know if any of you saw, but Taco Bell Champion got a lot of press there at the bitter end in April. There was a story about the blog on the AP. Great. Let's get some fucking media in on this Revolution Burrito!
That's what I thought until... Number #2: My push to send Taco Bell CEO David Novak birthday cards demanding a Taco Bell in Midtown resulted in *nothing*. Not even a pussy-ass "cease and desist" order. I guess I got a little depressed. I'm not going to be the faceless face (though my picture's in the AP story) of a movement that has no movement. So I lost hope.
REAWAKENING
Then, after months of no posting and no Taco Bell, I went to the Whore on 36th Street yesterday. I was real good. And I got to thinking, "Maybe I'll get back in bed with all my friends, the Champions." Then I realized, "Posts only take ten minutes to write." Then I thought, "What the hell is wrong with you, Champion?" Then I made plans to write this.
UPDATE LIST
Here are the things that have happened in the last 174 days, in no particular order:
- I had Taco Bell one time (yesterday).
- I had Ortega home-cooked tacos twice.
- I exercised five times. Over that time I've paid my healthclub $435.76 because I signed a stupid long-term contract. That makes the cost of each visit about $85.
- Superman Returns sucked, Pirates of the Caribbean #2 was good but not great, and Brick rocked my nuts off (good thing).
- I did not go home for my birthday.
- My friend published a hilarious book based on his even hilarious-er blog.
- Warren Buffett donated more than $30 billion to Bill Gates. David Novak--not in on it.
- My apartment got burgled.
- Battlestar Galactica jumped forward ONE YEAR. Wha!?! It is an awesome show. (In case you're counting, only 65 days have elapsed on Lost so far.)
- I bought my girlfriend a necklace that costs more than my annual healthclub membership. Want to know how much I love her? DO THE MATH SHITHEAD.
- Times I cried? Zero.
1. Apology
2. Un-Apology
3. Reawakening
4. Update List
APOLOGY
Sorry, everyone, for not posting so long and leaving you in the desert, suffering all alone.
UN-APOLOGY
Here's my bullshit rationalization for why I stopped posting (effectively undercutting the sincerity of my apology). Number #1: I don't know if any of you saw, but Taco Bell Champion got a lot of press there at the bitter end in April. There was a story about the blog on the AP. Great. Let's get some fucking media in on this Revolution Burrito!
That's what I thought until... Number #2: My push to send Taco Bell CEO David Novak birthday cards demanding a Taco Bell in Midtown resulted in *nothing*. Not even a pussy-ass "cease and desist" order. I guess I got a little depressed. I'm not going to be the faceless face (though my picture's in the AP story) of a movement that has no movement. So I lost hope.
REAWAKENING
Then, after months of no posting and no Taco Bell, I went to the Whore on 36th Street yesterday. I was real good. And I got to thinking, "Maybe I'll get back in bed with all my friends, the Champions." Then I realized, "Posts only take ten minutes to write." Then I thought, "What the hell is wrong with you, Champion?" Then I made plans to write this.
UPDATE LIST
Here are the things that have happened in the last 174 days, in no particular order:
- I had Taco Bell one time (yesterday).
- I had Ortega home-cooked tacos twice.
- I exercised five times. Over that time I've paid my healthclub $435.76 because I signed a stupid long-term contract. That makes the cost of each visit about $85.
- Superman Returns sucked, Pirates of the Caribbean #2 was good but not great, and Brick rocked my nuts off (good thing).
- I did not go home for my birthday.
- My friend published a hilarious book based on his even hilarious-er blog.
- Warren Buffett donated more than $30 billion to Bill Gates. David Novak--not in on it.
- My apartment got burgled.
- Battlestar Galactica jumped forward ONE YEAR. Wha!?! It is an awesome show. (In case you're counting, only 65 days have elapsed on Lost so far.)
- I bought my girlfriend a necklace that costs more than my annual healthclub membership. Want to know how much I love her? DO THE MATH SHITHEAD.
- Times I cried? Zero.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
BIRTHDAY TIME
Champions, we're three days away from making history. Since many of you have joined the revolution recently, here's a recap:
David Novak is the CEO of Yum Inc., the parent company of Taco Bell. While some of you may have recently read about the President of Taco Bell, Emil Brolick, and his possible departure, let there be no doubt: David Novak is the czar/tsar of all things Taco Bell!
We are trying to recruit David to be the greatest Taco Bell Champion of us all. How? By sending him hundreds of thousands of birthday cards on May 1. (We don't know when his birthday is, but I'm assuming it's the same day as my Mom's.)
I want each of you to send David a birthday card that (a) wishes him a happy birthday, (b) demands a Taco Bell in Midtown, and (c) mentions Taco Bell Champion!. So bust out your Hallmark gift cards, store credits and merchandize memos. We'll need them if we're going to clog David's mailroom like a priest's prostate.
Here is David's office address. Be sure to post-mark your cards on May 1. Godspeed.
David Novak
Birthday Boy and Taco Bell CEO
Yum! Brands Inc.
1441 Gardiner Lane
Lousiville, KY 40213
David Novak is the CEO of Yum Inc., the parent company of Taco Bell. While some of you may have recently read about the President of Taco Bell, Emil Brolick, and his possible departure, let there be no doubt: David Novak is the czar/tsar of all things Taco Bell!
We are trying to recruit David to be the greatest Taco Bell Champion of us all. How? By sending him hundreds of thousands of birthday cards on May 1. (We don't know when his birthday is, but I'm assuming it's the same day as my Mom's.)
I want each of you to send David a birthday card that (a) wishes him a happy birthday, (b) demands a Taco Bell in Midtown, and (c) mentions Taco Bell Champion!. So bust out your Hallmark gift cards, store credits and merchandize memos. We'll need them if we're going to clog David's mailroom like a priest's prostate.
Here is David's office address. Be sure to post-mark your cards on May 1. Godspeed.
David Novak
Birthday Boy and Taco Bell CEO
Yum! Brands Inc.
1441 Gardiner Lane
Lousiville, KY 40213
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Open Late My Ass (aka 15 Sliders in 25 minutes)
Monday night I was in a benefit for a group I work with. I had advertised that for every $5 raised by the benefit, I would eat a Taco Bell taco. It's win-win for me. I get to raise money for a good cause and I get to savor delicious tacos. What could go wrong?
I'll tell you what could go fucking wrong. The Whore on 36th Street could close at 9:00pm. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat 15 White Castle sliders (cheeseburgers) in lieu of tacos. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat those sliders in 25 minutes and make myself sick.
Sometimes everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, Champions. And, just like in Apollo 13, things went wrong on Monday. Do I blame myself for getting myself into this ridiculous situation and gorging myself sick? No. I blame David Novak for conducting a national campaign of deception against the American people. "Open Late," they say. "Open 'til 3:00am," they say. "Open so late we need to create a website to celebrate late night TB called Fourthmeal," they say. Well I say, "I had to eat 15 sliders because you're apparently afraid of the dark." Put on your jammies and have momma tuck you in, David, because unless you live in London, 9:00pm EDT ain't late.
Bottom line: Not only are there no Taco Bells in the heart of Midtown, the closest one closes at 9:00pm. Shame. On. You.
How do you sleep at night, David Novak?
I'll tell you what could go fucking wrong. The Whore on 36th Street could close at 9:00pm. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat 15 White Castle sliders (cheeseburgers) in lieu of tacos. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat those sliders in 25 minutes and make myself sick.
Sometimes everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, Champions. And, just like in Apollo 13, things went wrong on Monday. Do I blame myself for getting myself into this ridiculous situation and gorging myself sick? No. I blame David Novak for conducting a national campaign of deception against the American people. "Open Late," they say. "Open 'til 3:00am," they say. "Open so late we need to create a website to celebrate late night TB called Fourthmeal," they say. Well I say, "I had to eat 15 sliders because you're apparently afraid of the dark." Put on your jammies and have momma tuck you in, David, because unless you live in London, 9:00pm EDT ain't late.
Bottom line: Not only are there no Taco Bells in the heart of Midtown, the closest one closes at 9:00pm. Shame. On. You.
How do you sleep at night, David Novak?
Monday, April 24, 2006
TB, Breadsticks, and Recipes
As you can see, I ate at TB last night and splurged on some Pizza Hut Express breadsticks. Needless to say, the tacos were delicious. The breadsticks were also quite tasty. I do have one problem, though.
Gripe: Why the fuck did my breadsticks not have a freshness sticker that says "These breadsticks should be eaten before 11:47am"? Now, as we all know, Taco Bell makes all its food to order. By "make" I mean "assemble," because most of the food is already cooked; it simply needs to be heated. (Fine by me. I want Mr. Master Chef at Yum headquarters to perfectly season my meat, freeze it, and then have it warmed up. If I needed a new car, would I ask my local mechanic to build it for me? Since I'm not a shithead, No, I wouldn't.) Unlike Taco Bell, Pizza Hut Express is not made to order. They cook food ahead of time and put it in a warmer. This is fine as long as the food doesn't sit in the warmer for hours. WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUCKING STICKERS!
Also, we got another shout-out from the real world, champions. It's from the editor of epicurious.com, Tanya Wenman Steel. Here's what she has to say:
"I wish [that this champion] succeed in his quest to get a Taco Bell in midtown... [and] That he and his fellow Taco Bell champions all gather together one day, whip up their own tacos (here are some recipes), and see how much better a fresh, non-fast food taco tastes."
Well, thanks for the support, Tanya. I took a look at the recipes link, and seven out of the first ten recipes are for fish tacos. Guess you didn't read about my feelings on fish tacos, Tanya. In case you champs are too busy chowing a Chalupa to click on the link, here's a bit from that post:
> Taco Bell tacos are fucking tacos. The Ortega shit
> I cook at home are fucking tacos. And, while not as
> good as TB, the stuff those crappy Mexican places
> run by Koreans make are fucking tacos. Not this
> bullshit that "Mercadito" makes. Fish? Come on. I
> love Long John Silver's, but even if Taco Bell made
> a fish taco, I couldn't get behind it.
To be clear: I'm sure Tanya's recipes are good (for fish tacos), and I suggest you check them out. TBChamp and epicurious.com can forward the same goal--opening a Taco Bell in Midtown--but still have different ideas about the world. One example is America's partnership with the Godless Communists during WWII. That turned out well. (By the way, we are America in that analogy, champs.)
-Taco Bell Champion!
P.S. SIX MORE DAYS until David Novak's birthday!!!
Friday, April 21, 2006
Border Bullets: Fourthmeal
Some quick TB updates...
- Taco Bell has unveiled a trippy new website promoting their late night menu called Fourthmeal. It seriously creeps the hell out of me. Humble suggestion: Spend more money opening quality restaurants, David, and less on new forums for child-predators to work their wiles.
- Another blog, ManhattanOffender, has shouted out to the Champion! "One blogger has a quest to see a Taco Bell in Mid-Town. If only he would put his efforts to the causes of good." That's exactly what Slave-No-One-Remembers said to Spartacus.
- That red-headed bitch, Wendy, is apparently trying to steal away the President of Taco Bell, Emil Brolick. I've never seen Emil--he's like the guy behind the curtain in Oz, except German--but I can't imagine he'd leave the Bell for a chain of Dave Thomas mausoleums. (Thanks to Tubby Bastard for the info.)
- Taco Bell Champion has gone global! Recent visitors to the site have come from the UK, Spain, Portugal, Singapore, Thailand and (not surprisingly) Mexico. TACOS!
- I have added contact info to the site. Email me!
Crunchwrap Supreme
As you daily reader die-hards know, I ate at TB yesterday. This was an extra-special visit because I deviated from my normal routine of getting three hardshell tacos and a pepsi (occasionally supplemented by a Gordita or potato-sides). I tried a CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME.
Apparently it's back. I don't know where it was, or that it even left, because (a) I'm a taco-purist, and (b) I eat my meals in midtown where Taco Bells are as common as nuns with Hep C.
As you can see from my camera phone's crappy pixilated representation, a Crunchwrap Supreme is basically a flat taco wrapped in a grilled tortilla. Taco Bell has stayed true to its strategy of coming up with new delivery mechanisms--in this case the hexagonal grilled tortilla--for serving the basic taco goodness of beef, cheese and lettuce (+ supreme toppings: sour cream and tomatoes). The evolution is clear.
Crunchwrap Supreme - like a Chalupa, but wrapped in a hexagon
Chalupa - like a Gordita, but crispier
Gordita - like a taco, but with a pita instead of a shell
Taco - the original, kicks you in the nuts it tastes so good
Bottom line: better than most foods, not as good as tacos. I've got one question for you, David Novak, and your taste geniuses up there at the "Yum" Corporation.
Who the fuck's idea was it to replace awesome TB grated cheese with nacho cheese? If I want that mayonnaise-like cheese from a metal sack, I'll go to my local movie theater (I do want to see V for Vendetta again). I don't want that processed, liquid crap. I want all-natural, organic, Taco Bell grated cheese.
I know what you were thinking. "We'll use nacho cheese because we want it to be melted. Also, I'm a pussy." Well, you got one thing right, but didn't you consider that the Crunchwrap is particularly well suited to melting grated cheese? That's because, unlike traditional tacos, the Crunchwrap is a CLOSED SYSTEM, like the Earth, a greenhouse or a prison. It's called thermodynamics. Look it up. Put some grated cheese in a Crunchwrap and it will melt. And I assure you it will taste much more taco-like, and therefore, MUCH BETTER.
Apparently it's back. I don't know where it was, or that it even left, because (a) I'm a taco-purist, and (b) I eat my meals in midtown where Taco Bells are as common as nuns with Hep C.As you can see from my camera phone's crappy pixilated representation, a Crunchwrap Supreme is basically a flat taco wrapped in a grilled tortilla. Taco Bell has stayed true to its strategy of coming up with new delivery mechanisms--in this case the hexagonal grilled tortilla--for serving the basic taco goodness of beef, cheese and lettuce (+ supreme toppings: sour cream and tomatoes). The evolution is clear.
Crunchwrap Supreme - like a Chalupa, but wrapped in a hexagon
Chalupa - like a Gordita, but crispier
Gordita - like a taco, but with a pita instead of a shell
Taco - the original, kicks you in the nuts it tastes so good
Bottom line: better than most foods, not as good as tacos. I've got one question for you, David Novak, and your taste geniuses up there at the "Yum" Corporation.
Who the fuck's idea was it to replace awesome TB grated cheese with nacho cheese? If I want that mayonnaise-like cheese from a metal sack, I'll go to my local movie theater (I do want to see V for Vendetta again). I don't want that processed, liquid crap. I want all-natural, organic, Taco Bell grated cheese.I know what you were thinking. "We'll use nacho cheese because we want it to be melted. Also, I'm a pussy." Well, you got one thing right, but didn't you consider that the Crunchwrap is particularly well suited to melting grated cheese? That's because, unlike traditional tacos, the Crunchwrap is a CLOSED SYSTEM, like the Earth, a greenhouse or a prison. It's called thermodynamics. Look it up. Put some grated cheese in a Crunchwrap and it will melt. And I assure you it will taste much more taco-like, and therefore, MUCH BETTER.
P.S. Only TEN MORE DAYS until David Novak's birthday!!! Buy your cards now before Hallmark runs out.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Legitimacy
Exciting news for the Champion today!
First and foremost, I ATE AT TACO BELL! I made the 20 minute trek to the Whore on 36th Street (previous post) for lunch. Even more rewarding than the chow itself was the camaraderie of standing in line with other Champions. These are people who bear the indignity of waiting in front of a donut case for a quarter hour AND, given the neighborhood, are risking violent rape. Yet they wait. All for the tasty goodness that is Taco Bell. (Pictures--and my reaction to the Crunchwrap Supreme--will be posted as soon as I figure out my fucking camera phone.)
Second, it seems that the fire is spreading, friends. Legitimate blogs have linked to our revolution. I don't know much about "cuisine" or "fine dining," so I haven't read much of these blogs, but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln was too busying freeing the slaves to read Federalist 10.
MUG: Manhattan Users Guide
"We're not sure this a cause we'd take up with any enthusiasm."
http://www.manhattanusersguide.com/archives_content.php?contentID=041206&category=leisure
Eater.Curbed
"Listage: blogger desperately seeks 'Bell for midtown"
http://eater.curbed.com/archives/2006/04/listage_34.php
eat drink one woman
"The problem with joining this guy's refried crusade is that we got a Taco Smell in Sunset Park and I don't want it."
http://www.eatdrinkonewoman.com/2006/04/taco_smellhellu.html
I know what you're thinking: "They seem a bit condescending, Champ." Maybe, friends, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth. For the record, I've done a quick search on each blog for "truffles" and here are the results:
MUG: 5
Curbed: 6
edow: 9
Of course, I did the search on my own site. How many times did I mention truffles?
TBChampion: 0
SUCK ON THAT, FOODIES!
First and foremost, I ATE AT TACO BELL! I made the 20 minute trek to the Whore on 36th Street (previous post) for lunch. Even more rewarding than the chow itself was the camaraderie of standing in line with other Champions. These are people who bear the indignity of waiting in front of a donut case for a quarter hour AND, given the neighborhood, are risking violent rape. Yet they wait. All for the tasty goodness that is Taco Bell. (Pictures--and my reaction to the Crunchwrap Supreme--will be posted as soon as I figure out my fucking camera phone.)
Second, it seems that the fire is spreading, friends. Legitimate blogs have linked to our revolution. I don't know much about "cuisine" or "fine dining," so I haven't read much of these blogs, but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln was too busying freeing the slaves to read Federalist 10.
MUG: Manhattan Users Guide
"We're not sure this a cause we'd take up with any enthusiasm."
http://www.manhattanusersguide.com/archives_content.php?contentID=041206&category=leisure
Eater.Curbed
"Listage: blogger desperately seeks 'Bell for midtown"
http://eater.curbed.com/archives/2006/04/listage_34.php
eat drink one woman
"The problem with joining this guy's refried crusade is that we got a Taco Smell in Sunset Park and I don't want it."
http://www.eatdrinkonewoman.com/2006/04/taco_smellhellu.html
I know what you're thinking: "They seem a bit condescending, Champ." Maybe, friends, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth. For the record, I've done a quick search on each blog for "truffles" and here are the results:
MUG: 5
Curbed: 6
edow: 9
Of course, I did the search on my own site. How many times did I mention truffles?
TBChampion: 0
SUCK ON THAT, FOODIES!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Tour of Force!!!
The last week or so has been exciting, not only because interest in the Champion has grown, but because I've been to hell and back. Yes, I've been on a week-long binge. Alcohol binge? No, I was in DARE. Taco Bell binge? I wish. No, no, I went on a binge hoping to cleanse myself of the TB yearnings that this blog is only fueling.
Last week I ate pizza for ten strait days. (Ten days is more than a week, you say? Well I say, go add up how many times you've had sex, Nerd.) I had pizza every day--sometimes twice a day--for ten strait days. Here's what I learned:
1) If I put left over pizza in the refrigerator, I do not eat it later. Maybe you can, but with Ray's and Dominos on speed dial, I don't have the discipline to cook the refrigerator shit.
2) Dominos is better than Ray's. Sorry, New York, I kept giving Ray's a try but the taste-to-value ratio just isn't high enough. I ordered a medium, double-pepperoni pizza from Rays and it cost $20 after tip. Never again. Never. Again.
3) Italy can go fuck itself. I keep trying expensive "authentic" pizza and it is not as good as Americanized pizza. I want sauce and melted cheese, not tomato chunks and grated shit. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly aware that I'm wearing the rose-colored glasses of my culture and if I visit a blue culture I will confidently report that everything is purple. Sociology, folks. Point being, Italians are free to prefer their authentic food, but when I eat it, I want American taste specialists to add fat, salt, artificial flavoring, etc. so that it better agrees with my palette.
4) Pizza is not particularly hard on the digestive system, even after ten days. Trust me, one night at White Castle (which is an awesome taste explosion) will hurt more than a week of pizza.
5) Pizza is good. But it ain't tacos and it certainly ain't Taco Bell tacos. This journey has only confirmed for me that Taco Bell is the only food I could eat every day and (a) not get sick, and (b) continue to enjoy. ARE YOU LISTENING, DAVID C. NOVAK!?!
But what is the most important thing I learned? I learned a little more about myself.
As I alluded in the beginning of this post, this blog is exacerbating, not assuaging, my daily yearnings for Taco Bell. In case you didn't notice, I was absent for a while. I was eating pizza and asking myself: "Is this revolution really worth the cost?" "Is the payoff worth the price?" "Is the penalty worth the reward?" For a while, there, I thought the answer was no. Then I looked at the calendar and found an egg basket under my bed. And I remembered that there was another "Man" who sacrificed himself, paying the ultimate price for the rest of us. If he can do it, I can do it. Viva the Revolution!
-TB Champion
P.S. Thanks to all those who posted with Midtown TB locations. I've got a response in the pipeline, but the long and the short of it is, "Thanks but no thanks." I guess we've got a difference of opinion regarding the boundaries of Midtown. You seem to use "maps" and "common knowledge." I define Midtown as being Times Square and the area right around my office. 2nd Ave don't help me, fellas.
Last week I ate pizza for ten strait days. (Ten days is more than a week, you say? Well I say, go add up how many times you've had sex, Nerd.) I had pizza every day--sometimes twice a day--for ten strait days. Here's what I learned:
1) If I put left over pizza in the refrigerator, I do not eat it later. Maybe you can, but with Ray's and Dominos on speed dial, I don't have the discipline to cook the refrigerator shit.
2) Dominos is better than Ray's. Sorry, New York, I kept giving Ray's a try but the taste-to-value ratio just isn't high enough. I ordered a medium, double-pepperoni pizza from Rays and it cost $20 after tip. Never again. Never. Again.
3) Italy can go fuck itself. I keep trying expensive "authentic" pizza and it is not as good as Americanized pizza. I want sauce and melted cheese, not tomato chunks and grated shit. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly aware that I'm wearing the rose-colored glasses of my culture and if I visit a blue culture I will confidently report that everything is purple. Sociology, folks. Point being, Italians are free to prefer their authentic food, but when I eat it, I want American taste specialists to add fat, salt, artificial flavoring, etc. so that it better agrees with my palette.
4) Pizza is not particularly hard on the digestive system, even after ten days. Trust me, one night at White Castle (which is an awesome taste explosion) will hurt more than a week of pizza.
5) Pizza is good. But it ain't tacos and it certainly ain't Taco Bell tacos. This journey has only confirmed for me that Taco Bell is the only food I could eat every day and (a) not get sick, and (b) continue to enjoy. ARE YOU LISTENING, DAVID C. NOVAK!?!
But what is the most important thing I learned? I learned a little more about myself.
As I alluded in the beginning of this post, this blog is exacerbating, not assuaging, my daily yearnings for Taco Bell. In case you didn't notice, I was absent for a while. I was eating pizza and asking myself: "Is this revolution really worth the cost?" "Is the payoff worth the price?" "Is the penalty worth the reward?" For a while, there, I thought the answer was no. Then I looked at the calendar and found an egg basket under my bed. And I remembered that there was another "Man" who sacrificed himself, paying the ultimate price for the rest of us. If he can do it, I can do it. Viva the Revolution!
-TB Champion
P.S. Thanks to all those who posted with Midtown TB locations. I've got a response in the pipeline, but the long and the short of it is, "Thanks but no thanks." I guess we've got a difference of opinion regarding the boundaries of Midtown. You seem to use "maps" and "common knowledge." I define Midtown as being Times Square and the area right around my office. 2nd Ave don't help me, fellas.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
CELEBRATE THIS MAN'S BIRTHDAY
Champions, let me introduce you to David C. Novak, the chairman and CEO of Taco Bell's parent company. He is at once our most potent ally and our greatest enemy.He holds in his hands the power to liberate us all from TB starvation in Midtown. He apparently saved the company from financial insolvency, ensuring the availabilty of Taco Bell tacos for years to come. According to TB's previous CEO, "David is the most effective leader I have ever worked with." And he looks like a sexier Steve Kroft.
Novak can be our Pancho Villa (except that he would work within the system instead of organizing an army of banditos).
HOWEVER, there are troubling signs about Novak. For one, he is the mastermind behind combining Taco Bells with KFCs and Pizza Huts to create unholy fast food abominations. Furthermore, he opened three new restaurants outside the United States every day in 2002 while New Yorkers like myself went without. His run for the border is apparently not figurative.
So what do we do? We start TBChampion's FIRST MAJOR INITIATIVE! The time for chatter is over. We must convince this man, Novak, to join our crusade. And we should do so by celebrating his birthday.
We do not know when his birthday is, but I propose that he shares a birthday with my mother. May 1. Novak will be flooded by thousands of birthday cards, each mentioning this blog and each requesting (demanding) that he provide us with a present to celebrate his miraculous birth in 1953. Each of you, and all of your friends, should send a birthday card to:
David Novak
Birthday Boy and Taco Bell CEO
Yum! Brands Inc.
1441 Gardiner Lane
Lousiville, KY 40213
More to be posted as this initiative evolves. But for now think: David Novak. May 1. Birthday. Hope.
Religious Experience
I was in Boston yesterday. I thought I was visiting on a business trip, but I was wrong. No, God sent me to Boston--specifically the Boston Convention Center via Amtrak--to give me a message: "Champion, things could be worse."
I've been complaining about the lack of a TB in Midtown Manhattan, and fighting to open one will be my cause until the day I fucking die. But on the other hand, I do have numerous dining options including, but not limited to, McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, Popeye's (closing soon), pizza, cheap Deli food, expensive bullshit Deli food, and cart food (hot dogs and gyros). God sent me to Boston to show me what life would be like without these options.
This is what it is like:
This is the "dining car" on Amtrak where I had breakfast. Needless to say, I could have purchased three TB value meals for the cost of a stale Nutrigrain bar and an orange juice on Amtrak. My lunch was even more disheartening. I ate at the convention center's "Food Court." When I think of Food Court, I think of a plethora of delicious fast-food options where mom can get crappy Chinese and I can get TB. Not this Food Court. They had a meager selection of non-chain eateries catered by the convention center itself. The result was a $15 refrigerated Italian sandwich. Barf.
The critics out there are misreading this daily manifesto of mine and concluding that I see the world as black-and-white. That TB is white (symbolizing good) and everything else is black (symbolizing bad). Perhaps I've come across that way, but it's not how I feel. By sending me on a pilgrimage, Jesus reminded me that there are shades of gray (symbolizing a spectrum between good and bad).
I have two reactions to this religious epiphany, and as I commonly do with religious thoughts, I've put them in bullet form.
- Thank you, Jesus Christ, for reminding me to appreciate my lot in life.
- While things could certainly be worse, things could also be better. You know how.
Amen.
I've been complaining about the lack of a TB in Midtown Manhattan, and fighting to open one will be my cause until the day I fucking die. But on the other hand, I do have numerous dining options including, but not limited to, McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, Popeye's (closing soon), pizza, cheap Deli food, expensive bullshit Deli food, and cart food (hot dogs and gyros). God sent me to Boston to show me what life would be like without these options.
This is what it is like:
This is the "dining car" on Amtrak where I had breakfast. Needless to say, I could have purchased three TB value meals for the cost of a stale Nutrigrain bar and an orange juice on Amtrak. My lunch was even more disheartening. I ate at the convention center's "Food Court." When I think of Food Court, I think of a plethora of delicious fast-food options where mom can get crappy Chinese and I can get TB. Not this Food Court. They had a meager selection of non-chain eateries catered by the convention center itself. The result was a $15 refrigerated Italian sandwich. Barf.
The critics out there are misreading this daily manifesto of mine and concluding that I see the world as black-and-white. That TB is white (symbolizing good) and everything else is black (symbolizing bad). Perhaps I've come across that way, but it's not how I feel. By sending me on a pilgrimage, Jesus reminded me that there are shades of gray (symbolizing a spectrum between good and bad).
I have two reactions to this religious epiphany, and as I commonly do with religious thoughts, I've put them in bullet form.
- Thank you, Jesus Christ, for reminding me to appreciate my lot in life.
- While things could certainly be worse, things could also be better. You know how.
Amen.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Not Everyone is a Champion
I'd like to share an email I got from a friend about our Revolution:
> That's really your blog? Your write that much?
> About taco bell? Really ...really?
>
> It was a bit of a twilight zone moment to first
> discover and follow the link at 6:10am, and then
> find it impossible to convince myself that you
> didn't really write all that.
>
> You're really writing that much about taco bell?
> And getting comments?
>
> Wow.
>
> It's...I don't know...insane. Don't get me wrong,
> I love taco bell. I even took myself there earlier
> today!
>
> But, just, to write about it, and that much?
> I must be dumb orsomething. You're not writing
> all that. It's someone else's blog and you just
> linked to it. Someone else from Minnesota who
> works in Midtown and is obsessed with Taco Bell.
>
> Jesus, what's going on?
What does this tell us, Champions? It tells us that not everyone is a true Taco Bell Champion. Sure, my friend loves TB (he went there more recently than I did), but he isn't willing to stand up for it. Not everyone is a Patrick Henry.
Friends, this shouldn't dishearten us. On the contrary, it puts an even greater onus on us. We're not just fighting for ourselves. We're fighting for those too weak to fight for themselves.
> That's really your blog? Your write that much?
> About taco bell? Really ...really?
>
> It was a bit of a twilight zone moment to first
> discover and follow the link at 6:10am, and then
> find it impossible to convince myself that you
> didn't really write all that.
>
> You're really writing that much about taco bell?
> And getting comments?
>
> Wow.
>
> It's...I don't know...insane. Don't get me wrong,
> I love taco bell. I even took myself there earlier
> today!
>
> But, just, to write about it, and that much?
> I must be dumb orsomething. You're not writing
> all that. It's someone else's blog and you just
> linked to it. Someone else from Minnesota who
> works in Midtown and is obsessed with Taco Bell.
>
> Jesus, what's going on?
What does this tell us, Champions? It tells us that not everyone is a true Taco Bell Champion. Sure, my friend loves TB (he went there more recently than I did), but he isn't willing to stand up for it. Not everyone is a Patrick Henry.
Friends, this shouldn't dishearten us. On the contrary, it puts an even greater onus on us. We're not just fighting for ourselves. We're fighting for those too weak to fight for themselves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
