Monday night I was in a benefit for a group I work with. I had advertised that for every $5 raised by the benefit, I would eat a Taco Bell taco. It's win-win for me. I get to raise money for a good cause and I get to savor delicious tacos. What could go wrong?
I'll tell you what could go fucking wrong. The Whore on 36th Street could close at 9:00pm. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat 15 White Castle sliders (cheeseburgers) in lieu of tacos. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat those sliders in 25 minutes and make myself sick.
Sometimes everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, Champions. And, just like in Apollo 13, things went wrong on Monday. Do I blame myself for getting myself into this ridiculous situation and gorging myself sick? No. I blame David Novak for conducting a national campaign of deception against the American people. "Open Late," they say. "Open 'til 3:00am," they say. "Open so late we need to create a website to celebrate late night TB called Fourthmeal," they say. Well I say, "I had to eat 15 sliders because you're apparently afraid of the dark." Put on your jammies and have momma tuck you in, David, because unless you live in London, 9:00pm EDT ain't late.
Bottom line: Not only are there no Taco Bells in the heart of Midtown, the closest one closes at 9:00pm. Shame. On. You.
How do you sleep at night, David Novak?
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In case you didn't get it, Egghead, 9:00pm EDT (Eastern Daylight Time) is 2:00am in London.
Yeah, I know my timezones.
-Taco Bell Champion!
Don't even get me started on the lies of the Taco Bell commercials, a.k.a. promises. I don't know what they think they mean when they say "Open 1 a.m. or later" when that's a blantant lie. All over d.c. i see Taco Bells that are not open until 1 a.m. or 12 a.m. or 11 p.m. or 10 p.m. (that on Sundays). With the introduction of this 4th meal business, i really think a campaign would make them either recall their on-air promises of late night goodness OR give the city folk a chance to have a 4th meal.
TBC-
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me and my freind just got done playing tiger woods for about 4 hours and we decide we are hungry for some fuckin taco bell. So we dive downtown in our city to the nearest or greatest shity taco food that we could eat. When we got there a man who by the way was wearing a trench coat and looked like he got out of jail 4 hours ago was standing there smokin a cigar and We asked the million dollar question "hey are u guys open late in a very nice tone he looked at me like i asked he is your sister ready to breed and he said" does it look like we are open and the lights were on and the employes look like they are earge to take our order and i said very nice yes u look like ur open. He then looked at me like i was ready to kick his pregant girl freind strait in the stomach and he said well boys i have to say were not fuckin open so how bout u take ur teenage smokin peace of shit attitudes and get the fuck out of here. We came back the next day and the peice of shit was there and when we saw that we took advantage and said hey are you fuckin open or do u close at noon now and i got the death stare only a convict would give before he would murder u just like the same look that kevin spacey gave brad pitt in the thriller seven so it is safe to say that me and my freind will begoing to perkins instead of that mexican food place that thinks they are makeing real tacos. SO KEEP THE HATRED ALIVE MY FREINDS CAUSE TOMMOROW THERE IS LIGHT AND ATLEAST UR NOT WORKIN AT TACO BELL FROM THE MAN THEY CALL "COON"
So me and my freind decide hey what the hell lets go out and get something to eat and he was like aight. We went to the ghetto in the city to look for some fast food we pull up to this shity taco bell and we went inside to order. When we went in their was a couple of og's in their and my freind has got a short fuse and whenever he hears the you sojula boy he flips one of these og's decide to rap to that song at this time im going " oo o o shit oo shit ooo something going down". my freind then goes god damnit and just fuckin lays this nigga out and i was like oohhhhh shit son. After that one of the og's try to pull a san andreas baller gang move and pull out a ozzie. then my freind pulls out a double barrell sawed off shotgun and blasted his head and said this is cj fool. my feind orders a feista plater and if u watch tv the comerical when the to mexicans come out and says "a meeting can wait you must enjoy a feista plater" come out, but they were not fuckin around they were packin some serious heat. then there we were in a standoff with two mexican cartel gangbangers. Before anybody got a shot off willim dafoe comes out of know where and yells there was a fire fight and squeezes of three rounds into the plaster covered ceiling. By then the police have the place surronded. It felt like a scene from mystic river. My freind and me had a stand off with the mexicans for about 15 minutes we were both running out of ammo. So we were conservative with our ammo. I got a phone call from a trusted name in the law inforcement and his name is John fuckin Stamos. I said whats going on and he said the mexians they got some weird lookin fellas out here, and i said what kind of guyes, and he said some crazy lookin guys. At that time i knew who it was the Savage brothers. I needed a distaction i called a trusted kid name jaun and all i had to say was we are in trouble and he said im on it. The kid ran inside and asked the men, you want a chiclete and he swated the kid and said no! at this time the kid pulled out a 9mm and caped both of them. After all that me and my freind just decided you know next time lets just go to wendeys so we dont have to deak with the bull shit. From the man the call Coon 8)
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