BIRTHDAY TIME

Champions, we're three days away from making history. Since many of you have joined the revolution recently, here's a recap:

David Novak is the CEO of Yum Inc., the parent company of Taco Bell. While some of you may have recently read about the President of Taco Bell, Emil Brolick, and his possible departure, let there be no doubt: David Novak is the czar/tsar of all things Taco Bell!

We are trying to recruit David to be the greatest Taco Bell Champion of us all. How? By sending him hundreds of thousands of birthday cards on May 1. (We don't know when his birthday is, but I'm assuming it's the same day as my Mom's.)

I want each of you to send David a birthday card that (a) wishes him a happy birthday, (b) demands a Taco Bell in Midtown, and (c) mentions Taco Bell Champion!. So bust out your Hallmark gift cards, store credits and merchandize memos. We'll need them if we're going to clog David's mailroom like a priest's prostate.

Here is David's office address. Be sure to post-mark your cards on May 1. Godspeed.

David Novak
Birthday Boy and Taco Bell CEO
Yum! Brands Inc.
1441 Gardiner Lane
Lousiville, KY 40213

Open Late My Ass (aka 15 Sliders in 25 minutes)

Monday night I was in a benefit for a group I work with. I had advertised that for every $5 raised by the benefit, I would eat a Taco Bell taco. It's win-win for me. I get to raise money for a good cause and I get to savor delicious tacos. What could go wrong?

I'll tell you what could go fucking wrong. The Whore on 36th Street could close at 9:00pm. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat 15 White Castle sliders (cheeseburgers) in lieu of tacos. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat those sliders in 25 minutes and make myself sick.

Sometimes everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, Champions. And, just like in Apollo 13, things went wrong on Monday. Do I blame myself for getting myself into this ridiculous situation and gorging myself sick? No. I blame David Novak for conducting a national campaign of deception against the American people. "Open Late," they say. "Open 'til 3:00am," they say. "Open so late we need to create a website to celebrate late night TB called Fourthmeal," they say. Well I say, "I had to eat 15 sliders because you're apparently afraid of the dark." Put on your jammies and have momma tuck you in, David, because unless you live in London, 9:00pm EDT ain't late.

Bottom line: Not only are there no Taco Bells in the heart of Midtown, the closest one closes at 9:00pm. Shame. On. You.

How do you sleep at night, David Novak?

TB, Breadsticks, and Recipes

As you can see, I ate at TB last night and splurged on some Pizza Hut Express breadsticks. Needless to say, the tacos were delicious. The breadsticks were also quite tasty. I do have one problem, though.

Gripe: Why the fuck did my breadsticks not have a freshness sticker that says "These breadsticks should be eaten before 11:47am"? Now, as we all know, Taco Bell makes all its food to order. By "make" I mean "assemble," because most of the food is already cooked; it simply needs to be heated. (Fine by me. I want Mr. Master Chef at Yum headquarters to perfectly season my meat, freeze it, and then have it warmed up. If I needed a new car, would I ask my local mechanic to build it for me? Since I'm not a shithead, No, I wouldn't.) Unlike Taco Bell, Pizza Hut Express is not made to order. They cook food ahead of time and put it in a warmer. This is fine as long as the food doesn't sit in the warmer for hours. WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUCKING STICKERS!

Also, we got another shout-out from the real world, champions. It's from the editor of epicurious.com, Tanya Wenman Steel. Here's what she has to say:
"I wish [that this champion] succeed in his quest to get a Taco Bell in midtown... [and] That he and his fellow Taco Bell champions all gather together one day, whip up their own tacos (here are some recipes), and see how much better a fresh, non-fast food taco tastes."

Well, thanks for the support, Tanya. I took a look at the recipes link, and seven out of the first ten recipes are for fish tacos. Guess you didn't read about my feelings on fish tacos, Tanya. In case you champs are too busy chowing a Chalupa to click on the link, here's a bit from that post:
> Taco Bell tacos are fucking tacos. The Ortega shit
> I cook at home are fucking tacos. And, while not as
> good as TB, the stuff those crappy Mexican places
> run by Koreans make are fucking tacos. Not this
> bullshit that "Mercadito" makes. Fish? Come on. I
> love Long John Silver's, but even if Taco Bell made
> a fish taco, I couldn't get behind it.

To be clear: I'm sure Tanya's recipes are good (for fish tacos), and I suggest you check them out. TBChamp and epicurious.com can forward the same goal--opening a Taco Bell in Midtown--but still have different ideas about the world. One example is America's partnership with the Godless Communists during WWII. That turned out well. (By the way, we are America in that analogy, champs.)

-Taco Bell Champion!

P.S. SIX MORE DAYS until David Novak's birthday!!!

Border Bullets: Fourthmeal

Some quick TB updates...

• Taco Bell has unveiled a trippy new website promoting their late night menu called Fourthmeal. It seriously creeps the hell out of me. Humble suggestion: Spend more money opening quality restaurants, David, and less on new forums for child-predators to work their wiles.
• Another blog, ManhattanOffender, has shouted out to the Champion! "One blogger has a quest to see a Taco Bell in Mid-Town. If only he would put his efforts to the causes of good." That's exactly what Slave-No-One-Remembers said to Spartacus.
• That red-headed bitch, Wendy, is apparently trying to steal away the President of Taco Bell, Emil Brolick. I've never seen Emil--he's like the guy behind the curtain in Oz, except German--but I can't imagine he'd leave the Bell for a chain of Dave Thomas mausoleums. (Thanks to Tubby Bastard for the info.)
• Taco Bell Champion has gone global! Recent visitors to the site have come from the UK, Spain, Portugal, Singapore, Thailand and (not surprisingly) Mexico. TACOS!
• I have added contact info to the site. Email me!

Crunchwrap Supreme

As you daily reader die-hards know, I ate at TB yesterday. This was an extra-special visit because I deviated from my normal routine of getting three hardshell tacos and a pepsi (occasionally supplemented by a Gordita or potato-sides). I tried a CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME.

Apparently it's back. I don't know where it was, or that it even left, because (a) I'm a taco-purist, and (b) I eat my meals in midtown where Taco Bells are as common as nuns with Hep C.

As you can see from my camera phone's crappy pixilated representation, a Crunchwrap Supreme is basically a flat taco wrapped in a grilled tortilla. Taco Bell has stayed true to its strategy of coming up with new delivery mechanisms--in this case the hexagonal grilled tortilla--for serving the basic taco goodness of beef, cheese and lettuce (+ supreme toppings: sour cream and tomatoes). The evolution is clear.

Crunchwrap Supreme - like a Chalupa, but wrapped in a hexagon
Chalupa - like a Gordita, but crispier
Gordita - like a taco, but with a pita instead of a shell
Taco - the original, kicks you in the nuts it tastes so good

Bottom line: better than most foods, not as good as tacos. I've got one question for you, David Novak, and your taste geniuses up there at the "Yum" Corporation. Who the fuck's idea was it to replace awesome TB grated cheese with nacho cheese? If I want that mayonnaise-like cheese from a metal sack, I'll go to my local movie theater (I do want to see V for Vendetta again). I don't want that processed, liquid crap. I want all-natural, organic, Taco Bell grated cheese.

I know what you were thinking. "We'll use nacho cheese because we want it to be melted. Also, I'm a pussy." Well, you got one thing right, but didn't you consider that the Crunchwrap is particularly well suited to melting grated cheese? That's because, unlike traditional tacos, the Crunchwrap is a CLOSED SYSTEM, like the Earth, a greenhouse or a prison. It's called thermodynamics. Look it up. Put some grated cheese in a Crunchwrap and it will melt. And I assure you it will taste much more taco-like, and therefore, MUCH BETTER.

P.S. Only TEN MORE DAYS until David Novak's birthday!!! Buy your cards now before Hallmark runs out.

Legitimacy

Exciting news for the Champion today!

First and foremost, I ATE AT TACO BELL! I made the 20 minute trek to the Whore on 36th Street (previous post) for lunch. Even more rewarding than the chow itself was the camaraderie of standing in line with other Champions. These are people who bear the indignity of waiting in front of a donut case for a quarter hour AND, given the neighborhood, are risking violent rape. Yet they wait. All for the tasty goodness that is Taco Bell. (Pictures--and my reaction to the Crunchwrap Supreme--will be posted as soon as I figure out my fucking camera phone.)

Second, it seems that the fire is spreading, friends. Legitimate blogs have linked to our revolution. I don't know much about "cuisine" or "fine dining," so I haven't read much of these blogs, but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln was too busying freeing the slaves to read Federalist 10.

MUG: Manhattan Users Guide
"We're not sure this a cause we'd take up with any enthusiasm."
http://www.manhattanusersguide.com/archives_content.php?contentID=041206&category=leisure

Eater.Curbed
"Listage: blogger desperately seeks 'Bell for midtown"
http://eater.curbed.com/archives/2006/04/listage_34.php

eat drink one woman
"The problem with joining this guy's refried crusade is that we got a Taco Smell in Sunset Park and I don't want it."
http://www.eatdrinkonewoman.com/2006/04/taco_smellhellu.html

I know what you're thinking: "They seem a bit condescending, Champ." Maybe, friends, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth. For the record, I've done a quick search on each blog for "truffles" and here are the results:

MUG: 5
Curbed: 6
edow: 9

Of course, I did the search on my own site. How many times did I mention truffles?

TBChampion: 0

SUCK ON THAT, FOODIES!

Tour of Force!!!

The last week or so has been exciting, not only because interest in the Champion has grown, but because I've been to hell and back. Yes, I've been on a week-long binge. Alcohol binge? No, I was in DARE. Taco Bell binge? I wish. No, no, I went on a binge hoping to cleanse myself of the TB yearnings that this blog is only fueling.

Last week I ate pizza for ten strait days. (Ten days is more than a week, you say? Well I say, go add up how many times you've had sex, Nerd.) I had pizza every day--sometimes twice a day--for ten strait days. Here's what I learned:

1) If I put left over pizza in the refrigerator, I do not eat it later. Maybe you can, but with Ray's and Dominos on speed dial, I don't have the discipline to cook the refrigerator shit.

2) Dominos is better than Ray's. Sorry, New York, I kept giving Ray's a try but the taste-to-value ratio just isn't high enough. I ordered a medium, double-pepperoni pizza from Rays and it cost $20 after tip. Never again. Never. Again.

3) Italy can go fuck itself. I keep trying expensive "authentic" pizza and it is not as good as Americanized pizza. I want sauce and melted cheese, not tomato chunks and grated shit. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly aware that I'm wearing the rose-colored glasses of my culture and if I visit a blue culture I will confidently report that everything is purple. Sociology, folks. Point being, Italians are free to prefer their authentic food, but when I eat it, I want American taste specialists to add fat, salt, artificial flavoring, etc. so that it better agrees with my palette.

4) Pizza is not particularly hard on the digestive system, even after ten days. Trust me, one night at White Castle (which is an awesome taste explosion) will hurt more than a week of pizza.

5) Pizza is good. But it ain't tacos and it certainly ain't Taco Bell tacos. This journey has only confirmed for me that Taco Bell is the only food I could eat every day and (a) not get sick, and (b) continue to enjoy. ARE YOU LISTENING, DAVID C. NOVAK!?!

But what is the most important thing I learned? I learned a little more about myself.

As I alluded in the beginning of this post, this blog is exacerbating, not assuaging, my daily yearnings for Taco Bell. In case you didn't notice, I was absent for a while. I was eating pizza and asking myself: "Is this revolution really worth the cost?" "Is the payoff worth the price?" "Is the penalty worth the reward?" For a while, there, I thought the answer was no. Then I looked at the calendar and found an egg basket under my bed. And I remembered that there was another "Man" who sacrificed himself, paying the ultimate price for the rest of us. If he can do it, I can do it. Viva the Revolution!

-TB Champion


P.S. Thanks to all those who posted with Midtown TB locations. I've got a response in the pipeline, but the long and the short of it is, "Thanks but no thanks." I guess we've got a difference of opinion regarding the boundaries of Midtown. You seem to use "maps" and "common knowledge." I define Midtown as being Times Square and the area right around my office. 2nd Ave don't help me, fellas.

CELEBRATE THIS MAN'S BIRTHDAY

Champions, let me introduce you to David C. Novak, the chairman and CEO of Taco Bell's parent company. He is at once our most potent ally and our greatest enemy.

He holds in his hands the power to liberate us all from TB starvation in Midtown. He apparently saved the company from financial insolvency, ensuring the availabilty of Taco Bell tacos for years to come. According to TB's previous CEO, "David is the most effective leader I have ever worked with." And he looks like a sexier Steve Kroft.

Novak can be our Pancho Villa (except that he would work within the system instead of organizing an army of banditos).

HOWEVER, there are troubling signs about Novak. For one, he is the mastermind behind combining Taco Bells with KFCs and Pizza Huts to create unholy fast food abominations. Furthermore, he opened three new restaurants outside the United States every day in 2002 while New Yorkers like myself went without. His run for the border is apparently not figurative.

So what do we do? We start TBChampion's FIRST MAJOR INITIATIVE! The time for chatter is over. We must convince this man, Novak, to join our crusade. And we should do so by celebrating his birthday.

We do not know when his birthday is, but I propose that he shares a birthday with my mother. May 1. Novak will be flooded by thousands of birthday cards, each mentioning this blog and each requesting (demanding) that he provide us with a present to celebrate his miraculous birth in 1953. Each of you, and all of your friends, should send a birthday card to:

David Novak
Birthday Boy and Taco Bell CEO
Yum! Brands Inc.
1441 Gardiner Lane
Lousiville, KY 40213

More to be posted as this initiative evolves. But for now think: David Novak. May 1. Birthday. Hope.

Religious Experience

I was in Boston yesterday. I thought I was visiting on a business trip, but I was wrong. No, God sent me to Boston--specifically the Boston Convention Center via Amtrak--to give me a message: "Champion, things could be worse."

I've been complaining about the lack of a TB in Midtown Manhattan, and fighting to open one will be my cause until the day I fucking die. But on the other hand, I do have numerous dining options including, but not limited to, McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, Popeye's (closing soon), pizza, cheap Deli food, expensive bullshit Deli food, and cart food (hot dogs and gyros). God sent me to Boston to show me what life would be like without these options.

This is what it is like:


This is the "dining car" on Amtrak where I had breakfast. Needless to say, I could have purchased three TB value meals for the cost of a stale Nutrigrain bar and an orange juice on Amtrak. My lunch was even more disheartening. I ate at the convention center's "Food Court." When I think of Food Court, I think of a plethora of delicious fast-food options where mom can get crappy Chinese and I can get TB. Not this Food Court. They had a meager selection of non-chain eateries catered by the convention center itself. The result was a $15 refrigerated Italian sandwich. Barf.

The critics out there are misreading this daily manifesto of mine and concluding that I see the world as black-and-white. That TB is white (symbolizing good) and everything else is black (symbolizing bad). Perhaps I've come across that way, but it's not how I feel. By sending me on a pilgrimage, Jesus reminded me that there are shades of gray (symbolizing a spectrum between good and bad).

I have two reactions to this religious epiphany, and as I commonly do with religious thoughts, I've put them in bullet form.
- Thank you, Jesus Christ, for reminding me to appreciate my lot in life.
- While things could certainly be worse, things could also be better. You know how.

Amen.

Not Everyone is a Champion

I'd like to share an email I got from a friend about our Revolution:

> That's really your blog? Your write that much?
> About taco bell? Really ...really?
>
> It was a bit of a twilight zone moment to first
> discover and follow the link at 6:10am, and then
> find it impossible to convince myself that you
> didn't really write all that.
>
> You're really writing that much about taco bell?
> And getting comments?
>
> Wow.
>
> It's...I don't know...insane. Don't get me wrong,
> I love taco bell. I even took myself there earlier
> today!
>
> But, just, to write about it, and that much?
> I must be dumb orsomething. You're not writing
> all that. It's someone else's blog and you just
> linked to it. Someone else from Minnesota who
> works in Midtown and is obsessed with Taco Bell.
>
> Jesus, what's going on?

What does this tell us, Champions? It tells us that not everyone is a true Taco Bell Champion. Sure, my friend loves TB (he went there more recently than I did), but he isn't willing to stand up for it. Not everyone is a Patrick Henry.

Friends, this shouldn't dishearten us. On the contrary, it puts an even greater onus on us. We're not just fighting for ourselves. We're fighting for those too weak to fight for themselves.