Assault on the Champion!!!

One of the earliest TB Champions--Sloppy Nachos--just posted a disturbing comment about my last post (itself a response to Talkback on this blog). Here's what he wrote:

> You're a fool. Wanna talk fries? Didn't Taco Bell
> introduce its own fries a couple of years back?
> They were cakey and crumbled like old bannister
> dust. They had to pour nacho cheese on them to
> blind the taste-buds. Let's stick to the things you
> know TB Champ.

Firstly, I'm a "fool" am I? Perhaps you think it's "foolish" to follow your dreams, to shoot for the stars, and to stand up for what you think is good and right and worth living for in this world. If that's the case, then brand me a fool, Sloppy. I aim to start a taste revolution, not the French Revolution. We need UNITY, buck-o, not dissent over some other fast food brand. Seems to me like you're Thinking Inside the Bun.

Secondly, Taco Bell does have french-fry like items. I call them "potato sides" (see previous post: The Whore on 36th Street). Two of these are the Fiesta Potatoes, which seem like the ones you described but can still be purchased at some locations, and the discontinued Border Fries. They were delicious, like the small Burger King hashbrowns but with spicy seasoning. I agree that the Fiesta Potatoes leave a bit to be desired, but they're good if you replace the cheese sauce with FIRE sauce. I miss Border Fries horribly.

Finally, I hate to discuss non-TB material, but do you really prefer Burger Kings crappy fries to McDonald's delicious ones?

-TB Champ!

P.S. If anyone can find a picture or reference to the hallowed Border Fries, I will give them a free meal at Taco Bell. I couldn't find them anywhere.

Questions Answered!

Thanks for the comments, Tubby and Anonymous. They were curious: "have I ever worked at TB?" and "What did I eat today?" Unlike Mr. Moneypants running the Taco Bell Corporation, I don't ignore pleas from the masses.

Have I ever worked at Taco Bell? No, I have not. But I did APPLY to work at a Taco Bell in Roseville, Minnesota. It was a wave-one Taco Bell, but they never called me back. (Wave-one was the first wave of TB architecture with an overt adobe style and a red/green/yellow color scheme.) I don't know how I feel about that. Was I not good enough? Was I rejected in order to protect one of their Champions from the ugly inner workings of his nirvana? What happened?

In the years since I've come to terms with the experience. I realized that my application was simply lost. There is no better explanation. Doesn't that show negligence on their part, you ask? Of course. But I never said TB was the best at everything. Their restaurants are often dirty shitholes, for example. No, no, Taco Bell has one and only one priority: making kick-ass tacos. And those tacos kick my ass so hard I shit out my belly button. Kick. Ass. Tacos. Everything else is secondary, even my job application.

What did I eat today? I had some Burger King, which was fine. I hate the "new" fries that they introduced about seven years ago. Here's some advice, King: My Way would be for you to do everything exactly like McDonald's except put sesame seeds on your buns. For dessert I'm having some Hot Tamales, which are causing a tooth pain in one of my molars, thus reminding me that I need to go to the dentist.

Keep it real, Champions!

Wanted: Healthy Food

I ate a pizza for lunch today, as I often do. I love pizza, but now I feel craptastic. It's because I'm not eating healthy. Another problem a convenient Taco Bell would solve.

Yes, in addition to being delicious and a good value, Taco Bell is also a healthy meal. It has all four food groups, as the list below clearly illustrates. "Four food groups?" you ask, "Weren't they replaced by the 'Food Pyramid' ages ago?" To that I answer: "Fuck you." If you believe all that bullshit new-age nutritionists believe, why don't you just climb My Pyramid and start doing so-called "aerobic exercise."

FOUR FOOD GROUPS
Grain - taco shell
Meat - beef
Dairy - cheese
Vegetable/Fruit - lettuce/tomatoes (tomatoes are a fruit; look it up!)

If we dig a bit deeper using Taco Bell's nutrition guide, we can calculate the total calories and total fat of the meal I would have eaten (3 tacos) and compare it to the calories in three pieces of pepperoni pizza. The results:

TACO BELL
Calories: 450 (23% DV)
Fat: 21 grams (33% DV)
Vitamins: A, C, Calcium, Iron

PIZZA
Calories: 807 (41% DV)
Fat: 33 grams (51% DV)
Vitamins: A, Calcium, Iron

As we can see, TB has less calories, less fat, and more vitamins than pizza.

Me: "The prosecution rests, your honor."
Judge: "Thank you, Mr. Darrow."

By Demand!

I've gotten numerous emails demanding that I better document my visit to Taco Bell on Monday. Honestly, after eating another shit-tastic panini today for lunch, I'm trying to forget Monday's banquet. It just upsets me. However, I do have some pictures for you. (Notice the table color... fucking Dunkin' Donuts.)














Also, poster "sloppy nachos" complained about the veracity of my $.69 TB tacos. Don't fret, "sloppy," I've got an analysis of TB prices in the pipeline!

The Whore on 36th Street

Last night I went on a journey to the Taco Bell on 36th Street/8th Avenue, the closest TB to the center of Midtown.

This was my first New York TB in 2006, and how I missed his taste, his scent, and his firm but gentle touch. I ordered what I normally order: three regular crunchy tacos and a pepsi. (I would have ordered a potato-side, but this was a TB Express, and my thoughts on potato-sides and TB Expresses will be saved for future posts.) Simply delicious. Taco Bell made me feel young again.

But this was not a perfect visit. For Taco Bell on 36th street was not alone with me last night. Nor is this TB alone any night. Or any day. And that, my friends, is because this TB lives with a whore. An old, dirty hag, whose best years were back when Mexican food didn't exist and when Mexicans were played by Charlton Heston.

Unless you've seen with your own two eyes the depths to which Taco Bell has sunk in New York, you'll be shocked and disgusted when you see this image:
















WHAT THE FUCK IS TACO BELL DOING WITH DUNKIN' DONUTS!?! I have reservations about TB/PizzaHut pairings--and I love PizzaHut--but fucking Dunkin's Donuts! Give me a break. I had to sit at a maroon table next to the powdered donuts display, dabbing my face with white coffee napkins as I chowed on my tacos. It's like taking communion at a shit factory.

I've been to this TB at least 15 times in the past two years. And I know I shouldn't keep coming back. He's demeaning himself, and I'm only encouraging it. (I mean, who knows what kind of diseases that place has?) But I can't just abandon him, no matter how many of you black-and-white Taco Bell-purists out there demand it. I'll admit Taco Bell has made some horrible mistakes--this is just one of them--but he's confused and scared and lonely. He's making bad decisions. And its because he doesn't have a good home here in New York.

Which is exactly why we need to UNITE! Get behind me! Let's get a real home for Taco Bell in Midtown. Not just for my sake. But for his.

NY Metro, Mercadito, and Why I Hate It Here

I was reviewing the annual Best of New York issue of New York Metro, and apparently this reputable magazine has awarded "Mercadito" the "Best Fish Taco, 2006."

Ok.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?! I'm sure "Mercadito" has very good bullshit, fancy food. I'm sure I might like to take my girlfriend there (she has "better taste" than I do). But, honestly, WHAT THE FUCK!

This picture does not look like a taco. Taco Bell tacos are fucking tacos. The Ortega shit I cook at home are fucking tacos. And, while not as good as TB, the stuff those crappy Chinese/Mexican-combo places make are fucking tacos. Not this bullshit that "Mercadito" makes. Fish? Come on. I love Long John Silver's, but even if Taco Bell made a fish taco, I couldn't get behind it.

YET, New York Metro has "Fish Taco" as its only taco category. (Perhaps because they realize that TB would win the normal taco category every year for eternity.) This just goes to show why New York is such a crap food place. Because everyone--including a reputable magazine--is concerned only with spending money and looking fancy. Well, Donald Trump, you can go eat your fucking fish tacos. Not me, padre.

One conclusion we could draw from this sad discovery is that the conspicuously consuming population of New York, especially in midtown, can't sustain a Taco Bell. Taco Bell's deliciosity-to-price ratio is too good for them. Then my quest--our quest, friends--is dead.

Another reaction is that this review proves how ripe the market is for quality, Taco Bell tacos. People have been eating "Mercadito" shit for too long. They're ready. The time is now. Let me ask you this, Mr. Taco Bell Executive: Don't you think that people would be willing to pay $.69 for one of your delicious products, given that they pay $800 for this...

2 Paninis = 0 Tacos

I had to eat lunch today because I was hungry. I wanted Taco Bell, but there is no Taco Bell nearby, so do you know what I fucking ate? A Panini. It's like a sandwich, but with fucking pita. I hate it when they take normal food and put it on a pita and charge more (except for the Gordita, which is awesome.) Because I was hungry, I got two. But that was a shitty idea because the Paninis were shitty.

Where the fuck are you, Taco Bell?

Taco Bell, I invoke thee!

I work in mid-town Manhattan along with ~3 million other people. And every day, like the rest of my brethren, I go without.

WHERE ARE YOU TACO BELL!?!

I work near Times Square, and the nearest Taco Bell is more than ten minutes away. If I worked further north, say on the Upper East or West Sides, I would be 30 minutes away.

OH, PLEASE, TACO BELL, WHY HAVE THOU FORSAKEN ME!?!

Every day--in spite of my tone I am being serious--I am devastated by my lunch options. No $.69 tacos. No Gorditas or Chalupas, let alone any of the other creative combinations of seasoned beef, cheese, tomatoes and lettuce.

I INVOKE THEE, TACO BELL, PLEASE COME TO MID-TOWN!!!