Taco Bell Champion!

Check Out Best-Of

2007-02-06T16:50:00.000-05:00

Hey Champions. Do you remember when Che left Cuba and led a bunch of revolutions in South America, so no one heard from him for a while? I don't, but I'm assuming it's happened. Well, I'm Che.

I'll be incognito for the next couple months (probably until May or so). So anyone checking out the blog should look at my BEST OF section to the right. Keep emailing and posting so I'll have lots of fodder upon my return!

-TB Champ

P.S. The commercial sucked.

What Ever Happened to Getting Kicked in the Balls and Monkeys Burning Cash?

2007-01-31T15:07:00.000-05:00

From a TB press release about this year's Superbowl ad campaign, pushing the new Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquitos:

The ad features two lions humorously discussing carne asada steak in Taco Bell's typical think outside the bun manner... Taco Bell's innovative food minds have upgraded the taquito... But, we know that not everyone can roll their r's and pronounce carne asada. So, we utilized talking lions to give everyone in America an entertaining language lesson.

Well someone sure fucking loves themselves. Sorry, David, but your a-holes in the press departments came up with something obnoxious ("typical think out side the bun manner"), condescending ("not everyone can roll their r's"), arrogant ("innovative food minds") and idiotic ("two lions humorously discussing"). I was planning to give the commercials a grade, unseen, and then another grade after the Superbowl. Both F's, I imagine. But then, Champions, I noticed what will make this an AWESOME FUCKING COMMERCIAL...

"The voice over talent of legendary actor RICARDO MONTALBAN."

That's right, Kahn himself is teaming up with Taco Bell on Peyton Manning Superbowl Sunday. Is there anything more awesome!?! For the feeble minds of most, No, this is the coolest thing in the universe. However, being the TB Champ, of course I imagined one better scenario:

SUPER TACO BOWL!
On a field that is a supernatural fusion of the Continental United States and the Constitution itself, I've arrived with Bill Clinton, Indiana Jones, John Belushi and an unlimited supply of TB tacos to witness the greatest game ever played. And I'm drunk. Pre-game, Alanis "I'm So Awesome People Are Terrified to Admit It" Morissette sings a rockin' version of "Jesse's Girl" as Ernest Hemingway two-times Halle Berry and Number Six from Battlestar Galactica on the Jumbotron. The referees are T.Jeffs and Lincoln, with FDR poppin' wheelies up in the booth. Derek Jeter leads his team--the unlikely pairings of Han Solo & Darth Vader and Captain Kirk & Kahn--onto the gridiron to play America's greatest game (football) against the The Lord God, Jesus Christ.

So anyway, Taco Bell's Superbowl commercials will be awesome. But second to my imagination. (Holy shit, At-Risk kids could learn from me.)

Americans Losing Resolve

2006-12-14T16:57:00.000-05:00

I'll let the results of a CNN Quickvote earlier this morning speak for themselves.

In case you are blind, 62% of respondents said that "the E. coli outbreak made [them] less likely to eat at Taco Bell."

Anti-Taco Bell Bias in the Media

2006-12-12T11:21:00.000-05:00

I'm from Minnesota and I just got a disturbing message from my Mom telling me about an E. coli outbreak in my homeland. As I was licking the stamp inviting David Novak to a duel (an axe duel), a little bird whispered in my ear. After heavily medicating myself--birds shouldn't be talking--I went back and did some research:

"Minnesota officials announced that they were investigating an apparent outbreak of E. coli infections tied to a Taco John's restaurant in Albert Lea."

STOP THE TRAIN, 'CAUSE I'M GETTING OFF! Taco John's is also responsible for multi-state, many victim E. coli infection. It seems that Taco Bell isn't the single harbinger of the Armageddon that the media would have us believe.

Why is the national media covering up Taco John's E. coli incidents while relentlessly beating us over the heads with Taco Bell's indigestion atrocities? I found one article on MSNBC that mentions Taco John's gastrointestinal problems, but the TB problems were front page. Could it be because, unlike Taco John's, TB is a nation-wide chain and could spread infection coast-to-coast? Is it because most national media outlets are New York-based and tend to emphasize the tri-state area, forgetting about fly-over country? Is it because over 40 more people have been hospitalized from eating at Taco Bell than at Taco John's?

Of course not. The answer, champions, is that the media has an anti-Taco Bell bias. In academic studies, only 30% of journalists polled are pro-Taco Bell. The moderator on all those Taco Presidential debates always gives easy questions to the Chipotle candidates while attacking TB's guys. And Dan Rather used forged documents to show that David Novak was AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam.

So if you're sitting in the hospital right now with E. coli coursing through your veins (or intestines or lungs or wherever the fuck it lives), just remember: don't believe everything you read. And if you are infected, I hope it was TB that got you sick and not Taco John's. It would be a shame for your last meal to be anything less than the best.

Taco Bell Outbreak: The Cause

2006-12-11T12:51:00.000-05:00

Champions, my head's spinning from all the coverage regarding the E. coli outbreak at Taco Bells across the country. I've got a couple of interesting links for you (many provided by readers through email and comments), but most importantly, I've discovered the TRUE CAUSE of the outbreak.

First off, it's worth asking if this outbreak is to Taco Bell what Waterloo was to Napoleon. In other words, is this the end of Taco Bell? Has the Christ of fast food been crucified? In spite of the media war against them, the answer is a resounding NO. The New York Times had a fascinating story about die hard TB Champs willing to risk a sore tum-tum for that delicious TB taste. Sedre Mesidor, who eats at TB frice (four times) each week, had the right idea: “If something happens, it’s meant to happen.” Then he ate a bunch of shit at TB. Doctors are even taking the gambit. I quote, " 'I eat here all the time, and I’m not worried about it,' said one resident physician... [from] Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn." My only objection to the report is to the journalistic UN-integrity of the Times reporter; he apparently accosted TB diners and told them they could die if they ate the food. You're supposed to report the news, not make it, Jagoff.

Next up, a crazy wet-wipe that detects the E. coli bacteria if you smear it all over your food. Sure, Merlin, next you'll tell me that medicated cream can make my hemorrhoids disappear. It doesn't.

Finally, THE TRUE CAUSE of the outbreak isn't undercooked meat or unsanitary TB kitchens. It isn't terrorist contamination or God's punishment for America's alternative lifestyle. No. It's the hubris of David Novak. According to MSNBC, Taco Bell's E. coli came from the California scallions used in TB items--Wait, wait. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say scallions!?! WHY THE FUCK IS TACO BELL USING SCALLIONS!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!! This isn't the fucking "cafe" at the base of the "Eiffel Tower," David! We don't smear fucking "brie" on our Meximelts and we don't drink "pinot noir" with our fiesta potatoes! Whatever happened to onions? Huh, David? I never heard of onions killing anyone (but they do make people cry).

See, champs, it just goes to prove John Candy's dictum that power corrupts but absolute power corrupts absolutely. David comes from humble roots (I'm guessing), and he helped create the greatest American restaurantery ever by combining salt-of-the-earth Mexican and Texan cuisine with Middle-American taste values. Taco Bell was born. But then--amidst all his wealth and power--he grew dissatisfied with that which made him great. He scoffed at the simple things, like onions, and replaced them with fancy-pants bullshit like "scallions." Well, David, you flew too close to the sun and look what happened. People got diarrhea.

E. Coli Hits Taco Bell (or... The One Commandment)

2006-12-06T15:26:00.001-05:00

I've gotten numerous emails and blog comments about the myriad of reports in the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN and elsewhere about the E. coli outbreak at Taco Bell. I know it's caused wide-spread panic and spurred Yum! to remove all green onions from TB products. I'm sure major news outlets have been trying to get in touch with me, but my cell is broken, so here's my official comment.

Before I go on to make fun of the whole incident, let me be on record as saying that my hopes and prayers--and those of Champions around the world--are with the ill. Particularly the elderly, whose already whithered kidneys are being ravaged by Chalupa-bred microbes intent on destroying them (kidneys and elderly alike).

This is a tragic incident in Taco Bell history, not unlike when the USS Maine sank under suspicious circumstances, and yellow-journalists whipped the nation into a frenzy, forcing TB to go to war with Cuba. David Novak should know better than to use sub-par green onions in his otherwise top-notch food, and he should be held personally responsible for any suffering caused.

And yet... And yet... Champions, I'm forced into the position of again providing some context. As I've said before, Taco Bell has one and only one mission, which shall henceforth be known as THE ONE COMMANDMENT. That mission is: Make fucking kick-ass tacos. Everything else is secondary to that goal. And frankly, given the extraordinary level of kick-assedness of TB tacos, it doesn't surprise me that other corners--like decontamination--get cut.

When you're playing RISK with your family over the holidays, are you looking to have "wholesome fun?" Are you looking to fill your younger siblings and cousins with glee? Are you looking to patch up your relationship with your alcoholic uncle? FUCK NO. You're looking to take Australia as a beachhead, start collecting your two extra armies and a RISK card per turn, cash them in for the invasion force, and FUCK EVERYONE UNTIL THEY BLEED AND THE WORLD IS YOURS! In RISK, your One Commandment is to win.

Does Taco Bell's One Commandment to make kick-ass tacos supersede the First Commandment not to kill? Probably not. (I'm not an idiot.) But it does demand that everyone just hold their horses and stop judging.

Border Bullets: Enchiphobia

2006-12-01T12:06:00.000-05:00

Some quick TB updates...

If TB were around during the time of polio, we'd have had 43 able-bodied Presidents in history. Why? Because they've gotten into the business of curing diseases, like Enchiphobia. Some of you might object and say, "Champ, there is no such disease. Taco Bell invented it as a shameless promotion of the Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito. Even if Enchiphobia did exist, it would be a phobia, not a disease." To that I say, "Would you call blindness a disease, Professor?"
Taco Bell is offering a LIFETIME SUPPLY of tacos for your Playstation 3. According to their press release (via The Consumerist), the TB Foundation is going to give the Playstation 3 to the Boys and Girls Club of America. Laudible, certainly, but only the demented mind of David Novak could calculate that $12,500 worth of tacos equals one $600 game, especially considering that heavenly TB tacos far outweigh any gaming experience.
I found a podcast of an address TB President and "Chief Concept Officer" Emil Brolick gave on leadership. I'm not sure how much I trust Emil, given that he's Watson to David Novak's Sherlock. He even says, "I don't profess to be an authority on the subject of leadership. I don't even profess to be very good at it." But at least he has a funny photo.

Finally, I want to give a special shout-out to PSYdekicks, who clued me into the Playstation story above. He's got his own website about a movie he's writing, and it's worth checking out.

Update: Taco Bell Hacker

2006-11-30T09:47:00.000-05:00

I've received a deluge of email (three messages) commenting on the moral ambiguity of the TB Hacker, who illegally voted 1000+ times to get a Taco Bell at MIT. I feel obligated to defend a fellow revolutionary.

Now, I'm no philosopher. My friend is, though, and he's writing his Ph.D. thesis on cognition and the difference between logic and reason (why America pays this guy ~$8 million per year and not people like my friend is a mystery, and a tragedy, to me). I've hung out with my friend enough to pick up a few things, namely a super-sophisticated understanding of utilitarianism.

The best definition of utilitarianism was given by Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few, or the one." In other words, the most important objective of a good moral system should be improvement to (or saving of) human life, even at the expense of a smaller number of people. It justifies disposing of not only small groups of expendable people but also other (archaic) principles like good and evil. Bottom line: Jack Bauer can torture a dude to save Los Angeles.

This defense applies to TB Hacker in spades. He may have violated the law, undermined our democratic principles, etc., but he did so to improve the lives of all MIT students by delivering a Taco Bell to them.

Need proof? Here are some case studies:

Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe suspended the writ of habeas corpus during the War of Northern Aggression to save the Union and free millions of slaves.

Laura Roslin on Battlestar Galactica. She failed to follow utilitarian principles by refusing to steal the presidential election from Gaius Baltar. He went on to become Cylon collaborator, and her decision resulted in the deaths of 10,000 people and threatened the survival of all humanity. She didn't have the bravery of the TB Hacker.

Spock. He went into the dilithium chamber to save the Enterprise, knowing it would kill him. The ship--including Captain Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, and 400 others--was saved. AND THEN, because he'd mind-melded his consciousness into McCoy and was reanimated on the Genesis Planet, he came back to life. So everything worked out perfectly. (You can buy all 10 Star Trek movies on DVD here for only $80!)

What do these case studies teach us? Stop attacking TB Hacker. He remains a Champion in my eyes, and is still owed his $50 of Border Bucks from me.

Golden Pizza for Anti-Champions

2006-11-28T13:13:00.000-05:00

NEWS FROM THE FRONT: Our Revolution is gaining steam as people world-wide choose sides, honest folks like "Goldsprinkles Are Love" choosing the side of good, while wayward souls like Anonymous take the side of evil. Just like those Left Behind books, except without the crazy God stuff. Take this comment, responding to one of TBChamp's Best Posts:

If you think TB has the best tacos, you must be on crack or you are just an idiot. You probably think Mc donalds has the best burguers.

Best "burguers"??? Looks like you're the idiot, Anonymous! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I don't mind if Anonymous has traded in his taste buds for an American Express Black account. His loss. If he hates the Tex-Mex fruit of the Gods, here's something more up his alley: a $3,700 pizza. "Goldsprinkles Are Love" clued me into a story from the Sydney Morning Herald (via the ultimate pizza blog, Slice), about a Scottish chef who made this 10-inch pizza with lamb "medallions," champagne-soaked caviar and lobster marinated in cognac. And to top it off, he added shreds of edible gold. Sounds pretentious AND disgusting.

If Anonymous the AJ wannabe prefers ingesting rare minerals to making a down payment on a car, he can. He pulled the tricks, so he can spend the money how he likes. That's the U.S.ofA.

Anonymous doesn't realize that he isn't just attacking me, he's attacking America. This is more than tacos and burgers (though, obviously, BK has better burgers and McDonalds better fries).
Apparently Anonymous is against my Constitutional Right to the pursuit of happiness. Even if you don't like TB, every red-blooded American should support the right of millions of people in Midtown to MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICE. That includes Taco Bell, even if it's not your favorite.

Thanksgiving Shoes

2006-11-24T12:04:00.000-05:00

Had a great Thanksgiving yesterday with a meal rivaling both the best of Taco Bell and my early Thanksgiving turducken. Hope you all had a chance be thankful for the good things in your life, such as the three taco value meal. I think it's also worthwhile to spend a few moments on Thanksgiving remembering the things that you're not thankful for, such as TB's moronic lack of a restaurant in Midtown and grandparents dying. But that's for another post.

No, this post is about how that motherfucker AJ and his ilk tried to ruin my Thanksgiving.

I went to a nice Thanksgiving, a fancy Thanksgiving, the kind of Thanksgiving where (to my consternation) people wear diamonds and ignorantly beat-up on "white trash." I'm ashamed to say that most of these folks disdain Taco Bell. Even so, they're my family, and I had a good time. (I'm embarrassed that my grandpa mistrusts "Krauts," but I still love him.) Anyhoo, I had to dress up for this dinner, and I didn't know what shoes to wear.

Here's where the fucking shit broke loose. I Googled about appropriate shoe attire and found a website that had this to say:

For a classic look, wear your khakis with a pair of martin or tassel loafers to achieve traditional American business style. Another sure bet are Kiltie oxfords -- with or without perforated medallion toe detailing.

That's when I wanted to travel back in time, murder all the pilgrims, and bite off George Washington's dick with his own wooden chompers. Why? Because their dream dies every day that Americans are required to wear "Kiltie oxfords" to fit in. Giving us a choice of "perforated medallion toe detailing" does not a free country make. Since when has Thanksgiving become a stiff-backed affair all about costuming ourselves as pretentious shits? I'd rather eat turkey, watch football, and drunkenly bring up long-standing family taboos. That seems obvious to me, but these days I guess I'm Thinking Outside the Bun.

Guess what? I wore black shoes, and everything worked out just fine.

So in case any of you are faced with fashion problems like this in the future, here are some simple fashion rules that don't offend the forefathers:

1. If you are going to a fancy place/event, wear whatever you own that is most expensive. Doesn't matter what it is.

2. Adjust according to temperature/season. Don't wear a sweater in August (unless you're in the Southern Hemisphere, in which case, wearing a sweater in August would be appropriate).

3. Ask a girl if you look stupid.

The Fountain is a HORRIBLE MOVIE

2006-11-23T09:12:00.000-05:00

This post has nothing to do with Taco Bell, but I simply cannot restrain the explosion of anger and hatred I have for the new Aronofsky film, THE FOUNTAIN, so I'm unleashing it all on you champions.

The Fountain is a film written and directed by Darren Aronofsky starring Hugh Jackman. It's a metaphysical epic attempting to deal with death and rebirth. It has three storylines: a 1500s-era Spanish conquistador searching for the Fountain of Youth, a contemporary doctor searching for the cure to his wife's terminal cancer, and a future space traveller (from the year 2500, according to ads) searching space for a dying star. In short: it's the worst movie I've ever seen.

By way of background, I've been excited about this film for years. Aronofsky directed the movies Pi and Requiem for a Dream, both of which I enjoyed and were well reviewed. Rather than taking Hollywood's many offers to direct blockbusters, he wrote The Fountain, which, according to internet script reviews, was genius. Brad Pitt was cast and grew this beard for the role. It was going to me a $100 million film, so apparently somebody besides me was excited about it. Then Brad quit (smart move). For the past few years, Aronofsky tried to resurrect the film and finally convinced Hugh Jackman to be the lead. Which bring us to today.

The three story lines, the weaving together of which I expected to be really neat, turned out to be a stupid convention with no payoff. The writing and performing in all three was trite and melodramatic. The philosophy--if it can be called that--is nonsense. And the last ten minutes, meant to be a revelation, are sheer idiocy on a scale that inspires murderous rage. The first hour-and-a-half is a 9 on a bad movie scale of 10. The awfulness of the last ten minutes break the scale and simply can't be expressed in words. Snapshot: Jackman murders a flaming-sword-wielding Aztec priest, then a tree squirts semen on his hand, he pretends to be Sean Connery from the Last Crusade, and then he transforms into a bunch of plastic plants. Oh yeah, and Buddha shows up. FUCK YOU FOR STEALING $10 FROM ME!

I respect when artists try to do something new and tackle big issues. Aronofsky has certainly done so with The Fountain. These attempts are praiseworthy, but not necessarily the results. Simply being different and ambitious do not make a piece of art good. In fact, I'd say most of these attempts fail at being great art. But those few successes are among the greatest of all art and make worthwhile the failures. In other words, it's a gamble worth taking--high risk, high reward. Kudos for trying, Darren, but you rolled a craps with this one. The Fountain is a spectacular, monumental, failure.

Never, never, never see this movie.

Trans-fat Triumph

2006-11-22T14:37:00.000-05:00

I remember watching Olympic women's gymnastics a while back--spying for camel-toes, as always--and I saw this Russian girl (or Latvian, or Slovenian, or whatever) win the Gold Medal. And then she started crying, and I had less respect for her. Well, I've changed my mind because NOW I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS.

Just last week I wrote a post about Yum! Brand's discriminatory policy of removing deadly trans-fat from KFC food but not Taco Bell tacos. Well apparently David Novak was listening. The Associated Press is now reporting that Taco Bell has announced that it, too, will begin removing trans-fat from food.

Congratulations, champions! This is the first proof-positive piece of evidence that this little blog of ours is making a difference. We ask. They answer.

I don't buy for a second Warren Widicus' outrageous claim that "This is something we've been working on for over two years." That's just a cheap way of taking the credit we deserve, Warren, and you and your alliterative name know it. Who is Warren Widicus, anyway? Here are your choices:
(a) Harry Potter villain
(b) Taco Bell Chief Food Innovation Officer
(c) Shit-for-brains

If you answered (b) and (c), you'd be right. (He's a shit-for-brains for "innovating" various nacho cheese replacements of shredded cheese and stealing the Taco Bell Champion's trans-fat thunder.)

There is one troubling piece of news in this otherwise excellent development. According to the report, TBs that share their space with other Yum brands (KFC, Pizza Hut, etc.) will use a different trans-fat replacement, soybean oil, than regular Taco Bells, which will use canola oil. You know my feelings on hybrid-Taco Bell abominations, namely that they sully the TB experience. But now the offence is much worse: not only will the experience be different, but the TACOS THEMSELVES will be different. I'd rather have heart disease than be treated like a second-class citizen.

Another Excerpt from "Crunched, " The Fictionalized Autobiography of David Novak

2006-11-21T17:06:00.000-05:00

The runes were maddeningly complex. Then again, they always are.

But this time it was different. Academic pride, perhaps an artifact or two, weren't on the line. Emmanuelle's life was.

I studied the Norse scripture, comparing it to the weathered carvings before me. In spite of the tension, I couldn't help repeating the same question over-and-over again in my head: What were ancient Scandanavian symbols doing on the wall of an Aztec temple? According to history, Europeans hadn't discovered the Americas until Columbus in 1492. Even if rumors of Leif Ericson visiting in 1010 were true, that was at least hundreds of years after these carvings were made. History, it seems, was wrong.

I noticed a quickening of Emmanuelle's breath and looked to see the bite marks on her boob turning a deeper purple. If the world's only tri-toothed river viper--long thought extinct--was in these ruins, then the antidote would be here too. Hidden within the runes.

Inspiration sometimes surprises even me, and so it was when I made the critical connection. Aztecs were the greatest mathematicians of the ancient world, calculating the precise orbit of the sun as accurately as space-age satellites. The Norse were the greatest sailors. And what do sailors need to sail? Math. How could I have been so stupid! The key to this age-old mystery, staring me right in the face. I squirted a Fire sauce into my mouth as a reward, letting the spicy taste overwhelm my parched mouth.

"Good luck," Emmanuelle gasped, waking just long enough to offer some hope while desperately wanting some herself.

David Novak makes his own luck, I thought. What I need now is time.

to be continued...

Special Weekend Post: Freakonomics Inferno

2006-11-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

Over the past two weeks my post Freakonomics in the Kitchen has become one of the most popular posts ever, largely due to a link on the Official Freakonomics Website. In addition to MATHEMATICALLY PROVING that Taco Bell is cheaper than cooking at home, this post has generated numerous comments, as many emails, and several subsequent posts by me (like this one). To give you a glimpse of the passion this debate's fueled, here's the most recent anonymous comment:

Short sighted much?
The vast majority of opportunity cost is irrelevant, people are limited at 40 hours a week in virtually all jobs. That 30 minutes or whatever you calculate at 8/hr couldn't be spent working since most people aren't allowed to work overtime. Just one small aside to the total idiocy of that post.

Ouch.

When you champions out there read such strong words, I think it's important for you to get the FULL STORY. So here's a complete index of the debate.

Freakonomics in the Kitchen - the spark that lit the fire that started the inferno (including a litany of reader comments)
Comment on the Official Freakonomics Website - legitimacy achieved
Math Under Attack! - a post responding to particularly inacurate assaults on the Champion
Wanted: Healthy Food - an old post refuting the idea that TB is unhealthy, referenced during the debate
Beholden to No One - a post responding to a comment on the Healthy Food post, clearly written by a Freakonomics partisan
Freakonomics Inferno - this post

Beholden to No One

2006-11-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

One of my old posts just got a disturbing response from Anonymous, who apparently took a break from masturbating with a lubricated thimble to shit on the Revolution. I've got a thick skin (mostly because of burns suffered during childhood) and normally I wouldn't pay any mind. In this case, though, I want to dispel a few myths spouted by Mr. Anonymous.

Here's his post in full, followed by my rebuttal.

I really hope yall are employed by TB as the new form of promotional advertising corporations are paying people to do on small internet scales. Taco Bell is about the bottom of the barrel of fast foods, fast foods are the bottom of the barrel of the food service industry.

POINT-BY-POINT ANALYSIS

I really hope yall...

First off, y'all is spelled with an apostrophe, hick. Second, "who all" are you addressing? There are thousands in our movement, but there's only one Taco Bell Champion. So if you've got nasty comments, Clitus, why not direct them to me and me alone.

...are employed by TB as the new form of promotional advertising corporations are paying people to do on small internet scales...

Where the hell did you learn to write? I wish that I had some hilarious, biting comment to describe how/why this is so badly written, but words fail me. (I'm not the best writer ever, either.) Regardless, you've embarrassed yourself before all the world by penning such a syntactically poor sentence. Quick question about "promotional advertising": is there any other kind?

More substantively, I want to make *absolutely clear* that I don't work for Taco Bell. I'm an agent of change outside the system, like those Catholic groups that lobby the Pope to stop priests from molesting kids. My objectivity should be eminently clear to anyone who reads the site. I've posted some harsh criticism, accusing Taco Bell of idiocy, discrimination, and most recently, mass rape. I'm beholden to no one, David Novak least of all.

Would I work for Taco Bell to do "promotional advertising on small internet scales"? For free tacos, I sure as hell would. I've already tried to work for TB once. But as they did then, I expect TB would refuse association with this blog in order to keep me pure of heart.

...Taco Bell is about the bottom of the barrel of fast foods...

This is where Anonymous reveals himself to be either a crackhead or a victim of oral cancer.

...fast foods are the bottom of the barrel of the food service industry.

Sure, Anonymous, just go ahead and take a dump on the jobs of millions of working-class Americans and an industry that generates over $170 billion dollars in revenue. Just go back to your landed estate and enjoy your foie gras and have the rest of us eat cake . Or perhaps I misunderstood your metaphor. Did you use "bottom of the barrel" to mean that Taco Bell is the base, the foundation, the very bedrock of the food service industry, without which everything else would collapse and pour out? Because that's the God's honest truth.

Border Bullets: Indian Invasion

2006-11-16T13:24:00.000-05:00

Some quick TB updates (some submitted by you champions out there)...

Taco Bell is opening in India! For the first time almost a billion Indians will have a chance to eat the best food America has to offer. This is good for Taco Bell and it's good for Indians, but I can't help but suspect David Novak's motives. Does he want to become one of India's thousands of gods?
A car smashed into an Indiana (not India) Taco Bell this week. Remarkably, no one was injured. This surprises me because, as I've said before, TB does one and only one thing well: make kick-ass tacos. Their restaurants are often dirty shit-holes and their employees rude. I wouldn't be surprised if the structural integrity was also questionable, simply because of TB's single-minded commitment to taco excellence.
A Boston man is accusing Taco Bell of putting heroin in his soft taco. I'm no Philip Marlowe , but I'd suspect this chick.
*Not Taco Bell Related* -- Have you ever seen the NBC soap opera Passions? That show is fucking crazy. I watched five minutes earlier this week, and it seemed that a guy saves sick/dying women by having sex with them while they sleep. According to Wikipedia, they also have a "orangutan caretaker" named Precious. And mermaid characters.
And finally, a pick-me-up to remind us all why this fight of ours really matters. WE LOVE YOU TOO.

From flickr via the Consumerist

Taco Bell Hacker: Champion of All Time

2006-11-15T11:40:00.000-05:00

Thanks to commenter "your mom," this is one of my favorite posts of all time. Why? Because we've discovered someone with as much Taco Bell fervor as the Taco Bell Champion. He is--as of yet--unidentified, but I am offering a reward of $50 Bell Bucks to find him. (According to TB's math, that's a month's supply of tacos!) So, sir, email me at tacobellchampion@gmail.com to claim your prize. On to the heroics...

From "The Tech," MIT's campus newspaper:

"Roughly 2,000 students responded to a recent survey regarding the future of the [Campus] Food Court, showing strong support for Thai, Italian, and Chinese cuisine. However, according to Director of Campus Dining Richard Berlin, 'Some hacker voted for Taco Bell about a thousand times.' "

ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT, MUTHAFUCKER! It must be Christmas, and I'm Mary with two awesome presents: a new baby who happens to be the Son of God, and heavenly permission to get dirty with my hubby Joseph for the first time!!!

Now this dude, let's call him TB Hacker until we discover his true identity, is a Champion for the ages. He apparently suffers from the same fate that we in Midtown do: a lamentable lack of Taco Bells. But did he whine and cry about it? Did he quit studying engineering or science to go home to suburbia, lush with TBs? Did he just go on eating at " Anna's Taqueria," which I imagine to be a bullshit Mercadito-style taco dining experience?

NO, HE SURE AS FUCK DIDN'T! He took matters into his own hands. He used his computer nerd smarts to vote at least a thousand times for Taco Bell. No hanging chads for this mo-fo. This guy is on the front lines of the TB Revolution, breaking the Nazi Enigma code and saving millions of Allies (Champions). And he did it through RAW BRAINPOWER and SHEER GUMPTION.

Now, I'm sure some of you are out there thinking that I should step back to consider the larger ramifications of TB Hacker's actions. After all, I've written about TB representing the best of America; doesn't this inherently undemocratic act warrant our condemnation, not our glorification? In some sense, sure, he sacrificed the most basic, important and honorable principles of our great society to get a fast food restaurant he marginally prefers over a swath of other unhealthy, cheap but still over-priced alternatives. Big whup. He's speaking for the silent majority of good, honest, MIT students eager for Taco Bell. So the ends justify the means.

I salute you, TB Hacker. Come forward and claim your prize.

Another Excerpt from "Crunched," the Fictionalized Autobiography of David Novak

2006-11-14T14:53:00.000-05:00

The deck of the French ship was slippery with blood, heaving in the choppy sea.* Another burst of grape shot cut down Bobbins and the third lieutenant, Avery was his name. I think. Lieutenants die so quickly aboard the Decisive I sometimes have trouble keeping up.

Before I could grieve them, two Frenchmen lunged toward me at once. Were they compelled by bravery or ignorance? Along with the rest of the boarding party, I was still in clear line of fire from French sharp-shooters atop, and these two were now exposing themselves. As I parried effortlessly I had my answer: ignorance. Judging from their uniforms, caked in blood and powder, both were novice midshipmen. I dispatched them quickly, one with a cutlass to the throat, the other, a pistol to the nethers. In death, their boyish faces gave testament to their youth. Pity.

Though the battle on the deck was nearly won, Bonaparte's colors still flew, as did the round shot of his sharp-shooters above. I grabbed ahold of the Mizzen Staysail (what was left of it) and scaled it as I would regular netting, catching the snipers unawares in their nest. Making quick work of them, I attended to the flag.

Suddenly, a tinny burst came from the Decisive, surely a cannonade misfire. Before I could look to identify the unintended victim, the great mast beneath me lurched and I was falling. The mast and its sails teetered over like a lumberjack's prize, and I prepared for my end in the icy depths. Instead, I found myself back on my own quarterdeck, underneath wreckage from the French Topgallant. Remarkably, the fallen French mast had bridged the ships. Scrambling out, I saw my Steward approach with a pot.

"Coffee, sir?"

"Thankee, Killick.* I am worn from the battle. Might you be so good as to fetch me a Chalupa?" As I waited for my Tex-Mex delight, I brought the mug to my lips. To you, Bobbins. And to you, Davery.

to be continued...

The Only Person Banned from TB

2006-11-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not a prejudiced person, and I'll welcome with open arms anyone who wants to join our Revolution to get a Taco Bell in Midtown. Case in point: Tanya Wenman Steel, the editor of gourmet magazine epicurious, has come down from on high to support the cause. Would I expect a frilly French chef to join us? No. But did I turn her away? Absolutely not. Did Matthew Broderick turn away Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington?

But this guy, AJ, has earned himself the singular distinction of being FOREVER BANISHED by me, the Taco Bell Champion. I'll go a step further and BAN HIM FROM ALL TACO BELLS FOREVER.I hate to waste more web ink on AJ, but here's a quick background: AJ is an "analyst at a major investment bank" featured in a video on Code.tv, an obnoxious site dedicated to pretentious living. During the video he reveals himself to be a despicable, shallow person. He is also unattractive, but seems to think otherwise. Gawker has done an excellent job exposing AJ as a fraud and generally mocking him.

Why is AJ banned from Taco Bell? Simply because he stands for everything Taco Bell does not. Taco Bell is the pinnacle of American equality, where anyone can get a world-class meal for a few dollars. Money, hot girls (or in AJ's case, slutty girls) and a taste for $200 cocktails are not required at Taco Bell. The sign outside each Taco Bell is clear: "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me." (Or "Try the Big Bell Value Meal," depending on the franchise.)

So fuck you, AJ. I sleep easy each night knowing that your epic sorrow is two-fold. First, you'll never come to know the bliss that accompanies a Taco Bell feast. Second, your dreams and self-worth are exclusively, pitifully linked to money and "coolness," and that you will never achieve enough of either to be happy. You know it. Everyone knows it. And that's why you're a walking joke.

Special Weekend Post: Math Under Attack!

2006-11-11T15:20:00.000-05:00

Hey Champions, I'm taking time away from my precious weekend napping to address the avalanche of criticism against numerical mathematics. Earlier this week I posted a detailed scientific study on the costs of eating at home vs. eating at TB, concluding that Taco Bell is at least $0.33 cheaper per meal. I guess a few of you disagree. (My assumption is that--like Stella Artois--you believe that perfection has its price.)

Well, sirs, in the famous words of Daniel Patrick Moynihan, "You are entitled to your own opinions, but you are not entitled to your own facts."

One respondent said:
You neglect to include the time invested in going out to the closest Taco Bell, waiting in line and returning home (Which is easily 15 minutes itself if not more) additionally the cost of Gas.

A simple thought experiment shows this objection to be ludicrous. The food you prepare for yourself doesn't magically appear in your kitchen. You go out to the closest grocery store, wait in line and return home. That process sounds familiar--oh yeah, because that's this dude's criticism of my formula!!! But guess what, when you drive home from the grocery store, your car has heavy groceries, making those gas costs higher than when you go to TB. Thanks for identifying yet another way Taco Bell is cheaper than eating at home. SNAP!!!!!

Another respondent said:
[If someone ate Taco Bell every day] they'd be really fat.

I guess I assumed everyone exercises as much as I do. Because I just won the fucking New York City Marathon. DOUBLE SNAP!!!!!!

Finally, huge thanks to my heroes at the Official Freakonomics Website for sending a shout-out to the Champion. Like the Associated Press and editors at epicurious.com, they're now among the heavy-weights who've joined our Revolution.

Here's me, winning the marathon:

Trans-fat Inequity

2006-11-10T10:00:00.000-05:00

Along with Taco Bell's cancer policy, it's increasingly apparent that Yum! Brands is out to kill us. But only some of us.

A reader forwarded this link from the New York Times to me. Soon you won't be able to read the article online without a subscription--because the NYT is for money-laden, liberal nancies--so I'll recap it briefly here. Yum! Brands is leading the charge against trans-fat by removing the deadly additive from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Bravo.

But wait! What's that? No mention of removing trans-fat from Taco Bell tacos? What's that you say, Yum? Huh? I'm waiting for a reasonable explanation. On second thought--SHUT UP! Don't blow smoke up my ass, David, cuz your signal's coming through loud and clear. You're in love with gun-toting red-necks and black americans, but you hate Mexicans and the people who love them.

Don't get me wrong--I'll inject trans-fat directly into my heart to get that irresistible taco goodness. I'd do anything, even that defibrillator-to-the-head thing that Tom Cruise did in MI. Hell, I regularly walk a million blocks to The Whore on 36th Street just for a Gordita. I don't care that eating Taco Bell may be taking years off my life because sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the things you want. Like Laika, the Soviet space dog. The most dangerous thing a woman can do is give natural birth--IT'S TRUE--but many women make that sacrifice for a baby. I'm willing to (have my wife) make that sacrifice. Likewise, I'll sacrifice a little extra coronary heart disease for delicious tacos.

What I object to is the inequity of the thing. Why is Yum! removing trans-fat from KFC but not TB? IT'S NOT FAIR. Look, I don't mind playing trans-fat Russian Roulette with someone, but I don't appreciate your taking bullets out of the other guy's gun. (Incidentally, have you seen Deer Hunter? Majorly fucked up.) Next time you're looking to save the world, David, how about sneaking a peak at the ol' American Constitution where it says "All men are created equal."

-TBChamp

P.S. If you geniuses can figure out how to remove trans-fat from fucking fried chicken, how about looking at a map of Manhattan and figuring out where to put your restaurants. Hint: try someplace near where 1,000,000 people gather to watch the ball drop on New Year's.

Freakonomics in the Kitchen

2006-11-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

I read this book Freakonomics where this economist uses advanced statistical techniques to solve problems, like finding teachers who cheat on high-school tests or something. I am going to use those same techniques to show that Taco Bell is better than home cooking.

I have carefully calculated the price of the meals people cook at home, including main dishes (entrees, if you're French), side dishes and drinks.

MAIN DISHES

1. Pasta with ground beef sauce
Pasta - $1.50/box. $0.50/serving
Ground beef - $2.99/lbs. $1.00/serving
Newman's Own Marinara - $2.79/jar. $1.39/serving
Total cost: $1.89/serving (Correction: $2.89--more expensive still!)

2. Chicken with rice
Chicken breast - $3.49/package. $1.74/serving
Flavoring (marinade, seasoning, etc.) - ~$0.50/serving
Uncle Ben's Rice - $1.99/package. $0.67
Total cost: $2.91/serving

3. Macaroni and cheese
Kraft Mac & Cheese - $1.19/package. $0.60/serving
Milk - $1.50/package. $0.15/serving
Butter - $4.95/package: $0.20/serving
Total cost: $0.95/serving

4. Sandwich
Bread - $3.19/package. $0.31/serving
Salami - $3.89/package. $0.77/serving
Kraft Cheese Singles - $4.19/package. $0.52/serving
Mustard - $2.89/package. $0.10/serving
Total cost: $1.70/serving

SIDES
1. Frozen vegetables - $0.50/serving
2. Bread (buttered) - $0.40/serving
3. Chips - $0.50/serving

DRINKS
1. Milk (2 glasses) - $1.00
2. Coke (2 glasses) - $1.00

As you can see, the average cost of a home-cooked meal is $3.33 (half the mark of the beast). That's $1.86 for the main course, $0.47 for the side, and $1.00 for the drink. The average preparation time for each of these meals is 15 minutes. Assuming most champions are making at least $8.00/hour, it costs an additional $2.00 of your time to prepare a home-cooked meal, bringing the total cost to $5.33.

NEWS FLASH: The average cost of a TB meal is <$5.00. I can hear the scales falling from eyes world-wide! We've debunked the myth that cooking at home saves money! If someone ate Taco Bell every day instead of cooking at home, they would have enough money at the end of the year to buy Seasons 1 & 2 of Lost on DVD at full price! Baste that, Rachael Ray.

---update---

This post has caused such a groundswell of discussion, that I've created in index here, cataloging the various related posts and comments.

Deciding 2006

2006-11-07T09:34:00.000-05:00

Today is election day, Champions, and I hope you all get a chance to vote. When I woke up this morning I did what all smart, well-informed, handsome people do on election day: I flipped on my set and watched the Today Show. Those people are fucking high. Within a span of five minutes they had segments on: the election, an interview with the new Bond Girl, cooking pasta, and the horrors of head lice. (Not a joke.)

Regardless, looking at the election map, I found myself wondering where Taco Bell falls in the culture wars. I compiled a scientific list.

WHO LOVES TACO BELL?
President George W. Bush
President Clinton
Latinos (obviously)
Yum! Brand shareholders
Low-income minorities
Low-income whites (non-union)

WHO HATES TACO BELL?
Senator John Kerry
Vice-President Cheney (it would kill him)
Vegetarians/exercise enthusiasts
Effete liberal elites
Racists

As you can see, it's impossible to tell. Until we have clear positions from Taco Bell on baby killing and gay bashing, TB can only be described as NON-PARTISAN. Just like my hero.

One final note, I'm sad to see that our revolution has yet to make its way into the political process. The House Representative for the district where I work is named Carolyn B. Maloney. (Because I'm very witty, I refer to her as Carolyn M. BALONEY at dinner soirees.) She's running against Daniel Maio, and neither candidate has taken a stance on opening a Taco Bell in midtown. Lamentable. I guess that means that, just like blacks in the South, we'll need to rely on the courts for justice.

Border Bullets: TB Pro-Cancer

2006-11-06T18:30:00.000-05:00

Some quick TB updates...

TB just announced a new "coins for cancer" program supporting the Jimmy Fund. That's fine and dandy, but what I want to know is why only New England Taco Bells are participating? Do TBs elsewhere support the world's most deadly killer? Stop f-ing around with us. Seriously.
Phoenix Sun guard Raja Bell gets unlimited tacos. From what I can tell, he got this offer because (a) he used to work at TB, (b) his name is Bell, and (c) he's a famous celebrity. Ironic that the person least in need of free tacos--a multimillionaire--gets them. Raja Bell needs free tacos like I need a book on tough-guy street-smarts.
Gmail's ad selection sucks. This morning my email had an ad for Cocaine Cowboys, a documentary about the blow trade. Where did that come from!?! Where are my ads for Desperado and Three Amigos and Timecop (which, little known fact, is about David Novak)?
Sexy and smart.
*Not Taco Bell Related* -- Just saw "The Prestige," the new movie about MAGICIANS! It stars Wolverine and Batman and was directed by the "Memento" dude. It fucking rocks. Check out the website.

Tell Mariska Hargitay to Bring the Kit

2006-11-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

Let me pose this question to you, champions: "Could you pick out your rapist in a lineup?" I watch enough SVU to know the trauma victims go through, and depending on the circumstances (DARK ALLEY), it isn't as easy as it sounds. But what if you were repeatedly raped? Say, every day since October 16. And what if everyone you know was also, simultaneously, being raped? What if I told you that you were being raped right now?

Well let's try it. Which one of these is your rapist?
1. Tom Hanks
5. UNICEF
2. Gap's (Product) Red Campaign
4. Ted Haggard
3. Squirrels

WRONG! None of these are raping you; The Cheesy Gordita Crunch Cheesiest Pick Up Lines Contest is raping you, me, and everyone in America. On the surface, this is a fantastic contest to promote an interesting new TB menu item by offering winners "a free months worth of Taco Bell food." Here's where the dream becomes a nightmare. Taco Bell barristers define one month's worth of TB food at only $50--about ten meals. Bullshit. There's a word for eating only ten meals a month: anorexia nervosa.

Now here's where the nightmare becomes a rape. The winner of the Grand Prize gets "a year's supply of Taco Bell food"... but you actually only get $350 in Bell Bucks!!!! Using Taco Bell's already flawed logic that a month of TB food is $50, a year must be seven months long. That's five month's short (look it up). There's a word for eating only 35 meals in a normal, twelve-month year: not enough food.

Now you know. Buy pepper spray.

Another Excerpt from "Crunched," the Fictionalized Autobiography of David Novak

2006-11-02T07:57:00.000-05:00

I needed a stiff drink and a starched shirt. Apparently there's no God, at least not one that cares about me, because I knew I wouldn't be getting either anytime soon.

I stood uncomfortably, sober and sweaty, waiting in the sweltering heat of the D.C. summer. The heat was getting to me, sure, but Mr. Sun wasn't making me sweat. The midget samurai's stare was. Don't get me wrong, I've got onions. Big ones. I've killed men and watched others die. But this compact, deadly son-of-a-bitch would make you shit your pants. And while you're shitting, I'm sweating. A little.

We'd tussled a bit in the Rose Garden, when he insisted I hand over my sawed-off. Want my cock in a baggie while you're at it? Seconds later, he had two crushed knee-caps, I had a Level 2 concussion, and we both had some mutual respect. Concussion? I've had worse. A small price to pay for the sawed-off still in my coat. Don't worry, Shorty, I won't hurt the President. Lest you forget: he's the one who called me.

Just before the Oval Office door opened, Bruce Wayne turned to me, all smug with his fancy pants tuxedo and his playboy lifestyle. "I love the Baja Blast, David," he said, "It's Mountain Dew, but better. Goes great with Caramel Apple Empanadas."

"Fuck you." I said.

to be continued...

Halloween Spurned

2006-11-01T10:41:00.000-05:00

Just got an email from a loyal champion asking why I didn't do a "spooky Halloween post." Two reasons. First, I'm not a slave to the calendar. I don't need some fucking egghead with a telescope telling me what to do; I'll plant my crops whenever the hell I feel like it.

Second, have you ever heard of an INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!?! You might not be aware of this, but the revolution to get a Taco Bell in Midtown (Manhattan) has gone world-wide. As I've noted here and here, we have visitors from all corners of the globe, and the last thing I want to do is alienate them with talk of America's Devil Night. "Here Mr. Goldsteinberg, have some delicious scallops wrapped in bacon and cheese." That's not how I roll.

According to Taco Bell Champion's site meter, 5-10% of champions live abroad. The last 100 visitors have included folks from:
- Al Manyal, Egypt
- Auckland, New Zealand
- Balham, U.K.
- Bern, Switzerland
- Buenos Aires, Argentina
- Lakonia, Greece
- Paris, France

I will die and go to heaven if either a Taco Bell opens across the street from my office or if I see visitors from Irkutsk on the site.

Bach is a Champion

2006-10-31T14:20:00.000-05:00

Why do bloggers hate Johann Sebastian Bach? That's what I want to know.

I've been cruising the blogosphere for champions to recruit andstumbled across a post on the Old Fish and Lemonade blog assaultingthe Cheesy Gordita Cruch. I haven't had a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, so I can't criticise OFAL's conclusion. I do, however, stridently disagree with his reasoning. OFAL makes an observation I've made before, that TB uses the same ingredients in their items. But rather than seeing the beauty of it, he says it's "the same shit every time" and "retarded."

Johann Sebastian Bach would disagree. You know, only the most genius composer in the universe ever. See, he wrote little ditties called Fugues that take the same theme and re-work it over and over again, crafting a perfect balance between simplicity and complexity. Sounds a hell of a lot like taco beef, cheese, lettuce and tomato to me. The TB menu is today's Orchestral Suite No. 3. But I guess that Bach just wrote "the same shit every time" and that's it's "retarded."

SNAP!

P.S. As a side note, OFAL claims that Taco Bell gives you the "shits." Probably because he's got weak digestive and immune systems. Know what you do when a baby gets sick? You let it fight the infection so it develops antibodies. (Antibodies?, he asks. Get a dictionary. Dictionary? A word explaining book, Webster.) But OFAL won't do that with his baby. He'll get a nice prescription, and then when the kid's twelve--WHAMO! Dead from the flu.

Applying the Double-Decker Principle to Thanksgiving

2006-10-30T09:36:00.000-05:00

I attended an early Thanksgiving feast yesterday, and it is one of the few times I didn't regret skipping out on the Bell. That's because the hosts applied Taco Bell principles when preparing our meal, in this case the "double-decker" principle of putting one delicious food inside another, as with the Double-Decker Taco.

We ate Turducken. It's a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. With Italian sausage, cornbread and traditional stuffing in between the meat layers. It's the Grande Soft Taco of turkey dinners.

If that wasn't enough, they also lowered an entire pig into a hot pit in the ground, covered it with soil, and let it cook for ten hours. Then we dug it up and ate it. No TB principles here, but still hard-core.

Stop crying! I know you Lady Champions just can't stand looking at that dead pig's head, and I know you Sausages out there don't like the sensation of your testes shrinking because you didn't cook a pig in a pit and then eat it. Suck it up for the cause! Where would the Soviet Revolution be if Trotsky just walked away because Lenin got all the chicks? Deal with it.

Lessons to remember:
-- There are meals clearly less healthy than TB (e.g. Turducken and pig in a pit)
-- Taco Bell Principles can be applied outside the food court (e.g. Thanksgiving, architecture and midwifery)
-- I ate four meats--five if the Italian sausage had beef in it--in one meal, reminding us all again why I am The Champion and you are not (i.e. I am a muthafuckin' badass).
-- I properly use "i.e." and "e.g."

Border Bullets: Britney Federline

2006-10-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

Some quick TB updates...

Britney Spears loves Taco Bell! Apparently she got some drive-through with her sister. Here's a pic of her taking the bag (do those look like Classic crunchy tacos!?!). More can be found at JustJarod.com
Am I the Son of God? You didn't hear it from me, folks. Two loyal readers kept tabs on the site in spite of 174 days absence and made some Christ comparisons upon my return. Johnny said, "Jesus woulda risen 58 times!" and af says, "I never thought the rapture would occur during my lifetime, but praise Jesus, the Messiah is Come!" Hope things end differently for me.
It's old, but a reader emailed me a video of David Novak himself! Smart. Strapping. Sexy.
The Taco Bell Champion! Resurgence has gone overseas. Since the new posts, champions have visited from Hong Kong, Turkey and the Netherlands.
I'm considering making some Taco Bell Champion t-shirts. Email me if you think that's a good/bad idea or if you have any ideas for the design.

From "Crunched," the Fictionalized Autobiography of David Novak

2006-10-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

Can a woman's flesh be colder than ice?

As consciousness slowly seeped into my vivid dreams--me killing terrorists, on a big boat, as usual--this was the question that gripped me. Standing over Osama's corpse, my eyes crept open, revealing the glare of the bright sun shining through the cracked and crusty blinds. The blinds of a flop-house are wiser than any man. Perpetually closed, they're eternally exposed to both sides of the world. The sunny street, teeming with promise, hope and people striving to make their insignificant bit of the Earth better. And the other side--the inside--a debauched, hidden place where only the opposite of hope thrives.

My eyes refocused on my watch atop the night-stand, or rather the metal folding chair used for that purpose. I can only imagine what other uses the guests at this home of pleasure and horror made of that chair. 3:72pm. Shit. Another board meeting flushed down the toilet of time. Slowly, my other senses began to awaken. The chalky taste of last night's quaaludes. An aroma next, unforgettable: day-old Chicken Quesadillas and Chalupas. Between fifteen and sixteen hours old, judging from the smell.

Then my flesh. I begin to do what we humans pitifully describe as feel. Poor choice, that word, because while I can "feel" a white hot poker sizzling through muscle and bone, what I truly feel is loneliness, heartache, despair. We ought to have two words for feel. The first thing I feel is heaviness, on my left side, trapping my arm. Motionless, soul-crushing weight. I look--it's Diane. Or Suzanne. Or Lianne. Whatever her name was, the object of my drug-fueled desires last night. Her nude body, pale--too pale--her stomach showing traces of powder. White Gold. With delicious nacho cheese smeared... down there. Then I feel more. Coolness. Coldness. Bitter, freezing pain. Can a woman's flesh be colder than ice?

Finally, my fifth sense returns from my dreams to the dirty world where we all live. I can hear... nothing. No breath. No heartbeat. Roxanne? Dead.

My lips whisper, "Not again."

to be continued...

Albert Pujols is a Choker

2006-10-25T01:12:00.001-04:00

No free tacos, champions. There were ZERO home runs tonight, so it looks like we're all out $0.77 each (according to TB's estimate). A longer post tomorrow, but needless to say, I'm disappointed.

-----

***UPDATE***

The St. Louis Cardinals and the Detroit Tigers failed America last night. Combined, the two teams totaled 387 home runs in the regular season, meaning they averaged 1.2 home runs per game. Each. That means we could expect an average of 2.4 home runs in games they play against each other. That's not magic, it's SCIENCE. But how many did they manage last night? None. And how many people are taco-less? Millions . Now there's a number I understand. (Actually it's quite mind-boggling. It's like a stack of paper to the moon and back seven times, or something.)

Who do I blame for this? First and foremost, I blame the pitchers, specifically Chris Carpenter. His team was up four runs to none in the 8th inning. Would it kill you to give up a homer and bring joy to crippled children across the country? Crippled children, whose medical bills have sucked their parents so dry they can't put food on the table, are the ones in need of free tacos now. How about you try rolling home from two-a-day chemo treatment with only stale cabbage to look forward to, Chris? Not everyone is making $5,000,000.00 this year. Have a heart for Christ's sake.

I also blame the hitters. I'm tempted to blame racist hitters like Scott Rolen, Chris Duncan and Craig Monroe, who seem to have something against Tex-Mex culture. Vote Polk, right guys? But the truth of the matter is that Albert Pujols, Juan Encarnacion, Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen should be most ashamed. They know what taco-y goodness is! They know because they lived it, lived with a warm fuzzy feeling in their guts that says, "It's ok, you've got tacos in here, ignore the suffering around you and rejoice." But we won't know that feeling on November 1 between 2:00 and 5:00pm, when Taco Bell would have made free tacos available. All because you couldn't hit in the clutch.

-TB Champion

P.S. Derek Jeter would have won us all free tacos.

Think Outside The Park

2006-10-24T08:04:00.000-04:00

If anyone hits a home run to left field in tonight's World Series game, everyone in America wins a free TB taco. Now, if you're like Ronald Regan--and I know you are--you Trust but Verify. Well, here's your verification, you fascist: Official link to Taco Bell's Think Outside The Park Contest. In spite of all my criticisms of TB (such as its embarassing failure to open a restaurant in Midtown), I think this is a fabulous promotion. Here's why.

First off, FREE TACO.

Second, I respect Taco Bell's support of our national past time. Everyone's hopping on the NASCAR or Futbol (soccer) waggon these days--I'm talking to you, Verizon Wireless--but those aren't truly American sports like the ol' bats-and-balls. I like baseball because you can be fat and slow and still kick ass. That's THE AMERICAN DREAM. But by bringing the Bell into baseball, we're also helping to internationalize the game. It's time to sweep baseball's segregated past under the rug, and how better to do it than by replacing hot dogs with Meximelts? It's no coincidence that Park Dogs resemble Lou Gehrig's penis and not Jackie Robinson's. The symbolism is obvious; might as well wear a hood, Bud Selig.

Third, this can only grow Taco Bell's consumer base by introducing new people to the glorious TB taste. I've always argued that TB is like crack-cocaine . It is similarly addictive and makes you feel even better! Why not take a page from the crack-dealers' handbook? The first taste should be free. Maybe someday the thick-skulls at Yum! will find their own assholes and follow this advice; until then, the free taco World Series promotion is a good first step.

Border Politics

2006-10-23T12:31:00.000-04:00

"I sincerely hope that we may continue to minimize the evils likely to arise from immigration without unnecessary friction and by mutual concessions between self-respecting governments."
- President William Howard Taft, 1909*

With the elections approaching, I make sure to read the papers over my morning Chalupa (or Wheaties). One issue at the mid-front is immigration--illegal immigration, English as the national language, melting pot vs. salad bowl, etc. But among the chorus of voices in this debate, one is missing. The UN General Assembly is waiting, David Novak.

"But Champion," Mr. nay-sayer interrupts, "as Taft says, immigration concessions must be made by governments, not the greatest restaurant chain in the history of the world." My reply: "Go back to the aughts, Jag-off!" Snivelingly: "But these are the aughts of the twenty-fir--UGGHH" [slit throat]

Let's face facts, Champions. Taco Bell isn't just our favorite place to eat, it's also one of the most powerful NGOs in the world. Here are the rankings, according to me:
1. Red Cross / Red Crescent
2. World Trade Organization
3. Catholic Church
4. Taco Bell
5. NCIS

Taco Bell! You represent the best of multi-culturalism: taking another culture's food, making it taste better, and mass-producing it cheaply. You can be a beacon, a guiding light, a light-house, for the entire world in these tough times! But instead you irresponsibly encourage us to "Run for the Border." Who among us should run? Why? What of the consequences to the labor market and to entitlement programs? Policy, sirs, is not written on the backs of hot sauce packets.

The international community expects more from you, Taco Bell. The Red Cross may as well start torturing dudes.

Boardwalk for Oriental Avenue?

2006-10-20T12:05:00.000-04:00

"Hey, you there! Would you like to trade me Boardwalk for Oriental Avenue? You know, the most valuable property on the board for one of the craptastic baby-blue ones. The Boardwalk rent is four times that of Oriental--it's a no brainer. What's that? You don't have any other baby-blue properties? Even so, you shouldn't pass up this opportunity to trade guaranteed success for absolute shit."

If we were playing Monopoly and you suggested this trade to the Champ, I would rape your dog. Anyone who isn't an idiot would. But Taco Bell is apparently an idiot. Introducing the new Nacho Cheese Gordita.

The Nacho Cheese Gordita defiles the delicious Supreme Gordita (second on the savory scale to only the original TB taco) by replacing good, honest, Mexo-American shredded cheese with artificial, liquid, nacho cheese. My feelings regarding nacho cheese are well documented, particularly in relation to the Crunchwrap Supreme. Put simply, it is dramatically inferior to Classic shredded cheese in all cases save nacho dipping.

At least its use in the Crunchwrap is explicable: TB flavor scientists were making something new, assembling bits from other menu items into a Frankenstein-ian monster of taste. Not true for the Nacho Cheese Gordita. They took something fantastic, made a single change, and ruined it.

Next on the Taco Bell agenda: replacing Halle Berry's vagina with a penis.

Back in business MOTHERFUCKERS!

2006-10-18T17:13:00.000-04:00

It's been exactly 174 days since I last posted (5 months, 21 days for the curious). And it's all my fault. Because I lack resolve. I suck. But that's over now because my goal--OUR GOAL--has still not been met. TACO BELL IN MIDTOWN WILL BECOME A REALITY. I'll cleanse the demons that have built up this half-year in four steps:

1. Apology
2. Un-Apology
3. Reawakening
4. Update List

APOLOGY
Sorry, everyone, for not posting so long and leaving you in the desert, suffering all alone.

UN-APOLOGY
Here's my bullshit rationalization for why I stopped posting (effectively undercutting the sincerity of my apology). Number #1: I don't know if any of you saw, but Taco Bell Champion got a lot of press there at the bitter end in April. There was a story about the blog on the AP. Great. Let's get some fucking media in on this Revolution Burrito!

That's what I thought until... Number #2: My push to send Taco Bell CEO David Novak birthday cards demanding a Taco Bell in Midtown resulted in *nothing*. Not even a pussy-ass "cease and desist" order. I guess I got a little depressed. I'm not going to be the faceless face (though my picture's in the AP story) of a movement that has no movement. So I lost hope.

REAWAKENING
Then, after months of no posting and no Taco Bell, I went to the Whore on 36th Street yesterday. I was real good. And I got to thinking, "Maybe I'll get back in bed with all my friends, the Champions." Then I realized, "Posts only take ten minutes to write." Then I thought, "What the hell is wrong with you, Champion?" Then I made plans to write this.

UPDATE LIST
Here are the things that have happened in the last 174 days, in no particular order:
- I had Taco Bell one time (yesterday).
- I had Ortega home-cooked tacos twice.
- I exercised five times. Over that time I've paid my healthclub $435.76 because I signed a stupid long-term contract. That makes the cost of each visit about $85.
- Superman Returns sucked, Pirates of the Caribbean #2 was good but not great, and Brick rocked my nuts off (good thing).
- I did not go home for my birthday.
- My friend published a hilarious book based on his even hilarious-er blog.
- Warren Buffett donated more than $30 billion to Bill Gates. David Novak--not in on it.
- My apartment got burgled.
- Battlestar Galactica jumped forward ONE YEAR. Wha!?! It is an awesome show. (In case you're counting, only 65 days have elapsed on Lost so far.)
- I bought my girlfriend a necklace that costs more than my annual healthclub membership. Want to know how much I love her? DO THE MATH SHITHEAD.
- Times I cried? Zero.

BIRTHDAY TIME

2006-04-27T15:32:00.000-04:00

Champions, we're three days away from making history. Since many of you have joined the revolution recently, here's a recap:

David Novak is the CEO of Yum Inc., the parent company of Taco Bell. While some of you may have recently read about the President of Taco Bell, Emil Brolick, and his possible departure, let there be no doubt: David Novak is the czar/tsar of all things Taco Bell!

We are trying to recruit David to be the greatest Taco Bell Champion of us all. How? By sending him hundreds of thousands of birthday cards on May 1. (We don't know when his birthday is, but I'm assuming it's the same day as my Mom's.)

I want each of you to send David a birthday card that (a) wishes him a happy birthday, (b) demands a Taco Bell in Midtown, and (c) mentions Taco Bell Champion!. So bust out your Hallmark gift cards, store credits and merchandize memos. We'll need them if we're going to clog David's mailroom like a priest's prostate.

Here is David's office address. Be sure to post-mark your cards on May 1. Godspeed.

David Novak
Birthday Boy and Taco Bell CEO
Yum! Brands Inc.
1441 Gardiner Lane
Lousiville, KY 40213

Open Late My Ass (aka 15 Sliders in 25 minutes)

2006-04-26T09:48:00.000-04:00

Monday night I was in a benefit for a group I work with. I had advertised that for every $5 raised by the benefit, I would eat a Taco Bell taco. It's win-win for me. I get to raise money for a good cause and I get to savor delicious tacos. What could go wrong?

I'll tell you what could go fucking wrong. The Whore on 36th Street could close at 9:00pm. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat 15 White Castle sliders (cheeseburgers) in lieu of tacos. Another thing that could go wrong? I could eat those sliders in 25 minutes and make myself sick.

Sometimes everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, Champions. And, just like in Apollo 13, things went wrong on Monday. Do I blame myself for getting myself into this ridiculous situation and gorging myself sick? No. I blame David Novak for conducting a national campaign of deception against the American people. "Open Late," they say. "Open 'til 3:00am," they say. "Open so late we need to create a website to celebrate late night TB called Fourthmeal," they say. Well I say, "I had to eat 15 sliders because you're apparently afraid of the dark." Put on your jammies and have momma tuck you in, David, because unless you live in London, 9:00pm EDT ain't late.

Bottom line: Not only are there no Taco Bells in the heart of Midtown, the closest one closes at 9:00pm. Shame. On. You.

How do you sleep at night, David Novak?

TB, Breadsticks, and Recipes

2006-04-24T15:13:00.000-04:00

As you can see, I ate at TB last night and splurged on some Pizza Hut Express breadsticks. Needless to say, the tacos were delicious. The breadsticks were also quite tasty. I do have one problem, though.

Gripe: Why the fuck did my breadsticks not have a freshness sticker that says "These breadsticks should be eaten before 11:47am"? Now, as we all know, Taco Bell makes all its food to order. By "make" I mean "assemble," because most of the food is already cooked; it simply needs to be heated. (Fine by me. I want Mr. Master Chef at Yum headquarters to perfectly season my meat, freeze it, and then have it warmed up. If I needed a new car, would I ask my local mechanic to build it for me? Since I'm not a shithead, No, I wouldn't.) Unlike Taco Bell, Pizza Hut Express is not made to order. They cook food ahead of time and put it in a warmer. This is fine as long as the food doesn't sit in the warmer for hours. WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUCKING STICKERS!

Also, we got another shout-out from the real world, champions. It's from the editor of epicurious.com, Tanya Wenman Steel. Here's what she has to say:
"I wish [that this champion] succeed in his quest to get a Taco Bell in midtown... [and] That he and his fellow Taco Bell champions all gather together one day, whip up their own tacos (here are some recipes), and see how much better a fresh, non-fast food taco tastes."

Well, thanks for the support, Tanya. I took a look at the recipes link, and seven out of the first ten recipes are for fish tacos. Guess you didn't read about my feelings on fish tacos, Tanya. In case you champs are too busy chowing a Chalupa to click on the link, here's a bit from that post:
> Taco Bell tacos are fucking tacos. The Ortega shit
> I cook at home are fucking tacos. And, while not as
> good as TB, the stuff those crappy Mexican places
> run by Koreans make are fucking tacos. Not this
> bullshit that "Mercadito" makes. Fish? Come on. I
> love Long John Silver's, but even if Taco Bell made
> a fish taco, I couldn't get behind it.

To be clear: I'm sure Tanya's recipes are good (for fish tacos), and I suggest you check them out. TBChamp and epicurious.com can forward the same goal--opening a Taco Bell in Midtown--but still have different ideas about the world. One example is America's partnership with the Godless Communists during WWII. That turned out well. (By the way, we are America in that analogy, champs.)

-Taco Bell Champion!

P.S. SIX MORE DAYS until David Novak's birthday!!!

Border Bullets: Fourthmeal

2006-04-21T16:05:00.000-04:00

Some quick TB updates...

Taco Bell has unveiled a trippy new website promoting their late night menu called Fourthmeal. It seriously creeps the hell out of me. Humble suggestion: Spend more money opening quality restaurants, David, and less on new forums for child-predators to work their wiles.
Another blog, ManhattanOffender, has shouted out to the Champion! "One blogger has a quest to see a Taco Bell in Mid-Town. If only he would put his efforts to the causes of good." That's exactly what Slave-No-One-Remembers said to Spartacus.
That red-headed bitch, Wendy, is apparently trying to steal away the President of Taco Bell, Emil Brolick. I've never seen Emil--he's like the guy behind the curtain in Oz, except German--but I can't imagine he'd leave the Bell for a chain of Dave Thomas mausoleums. (Thanks to Tubby Bastard for the info.)
Taco Bell Champion has gone global! Recent visitors to the site have come from the UK, Spain, Portugal, Singapore, Thailand and (not surprisingly) Mexico. TACOS!
I have added contact info to the site. Email me!

Crunchwrap Supreme

2006-04-21T13:09:00.000-04:00

As you daily reader die-hards know, I ate at TB yesterday. This was an extra-special visit because I deviated from my normal routine of getting three hardshell tacos and a pepsi (occasionally supplemented by a Gordita or potato-sides). I tried a CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME.

Apparently it's back. I don't know where it was, or that it even left, because (a) I'm a taco-purist, and (b) I eat my meals in midtown where Taco Bells are as common as nuns with Hep C.

As you can see from my camera phone's crappy pixilated representation, a Crunchwrap Supreme is basically a flat taco wrapped in a grilled tortilla. Taco Bell has stayed true to its strategy of coming up with new delivery mechanisms--in this case the hexagonal grilled tortilla--for serving the basic taco goodness of beef, cheese and lettuce (+ supreme toppings: sour cream and tomatoes). The evolution is clear.

Crunchwrap Supreme - like a Chalupa, but wrapped in a hexagon
Chalupa - like a Gordita, but crispier
Gordita - like a taco, but with a pita instead of a shell
Taco - the original, kicks you in the nuts it tastes so good

Bottom line: better than most foods, not as good as tacos. I've got one question for you, David Novak, and your taste geniuses up there at the "Yum" Corporation. Who the fuck's idea was it to replace awesome TB grated cheese with nacho cheese? If I want that mayonnaise-like cheese from a metal sack, I'll go to my local movie theater (I do want to see V for Vendetta again). I don't want that processed, liquid crap. I want all-natural, organic, Taco Bell grated cheese.

I know what you were thinking. "We'll use nacho cheese because we want it to be melted. Also, I'm a pussy." Well, you got one thing right, but didn't you consider that the Crunchwrap is particularly well suited to melting grated cheese? That's because, unlike traditional tacos, the Crunchwrap is a CLOSED SYSTEM, like the Earth, a greenhouse or a prison. It's called thermodynamics. Look it up. Put some grated cheese in a Crunchwrap and it will melt. And I assure you it will taste much more taco-like, and therefore, MUCH BETTER.

P.S. Only TEN MORE DAYS until David Novak's birthday!!! Buy your cards now before Hallmark runs out.

Legitimacy

2006-04-20T16:40:00.000-04:00

Exciting news for the Champion today!

First and foremost, I ATE AT TACO BELL! I made the 20 minute trek to the Whore on 36th Street (previous post) for lunch. Even more rewarding than the chow itself was the camaraderie of standing in line with other Champions. These are people who bear the indignity of waiting in front of a donut case for a quarter hour AND, given the neighborhood, are risking violent rape. Yet they wait. All for the tasty goodness that is Taco Bell. (Pictures--and my reaction to the Crunchwrap Supreme--will be posted as soon as I figure out my fucking camera phone.)

Second, it seems that the fire is spreading, friends. Legitimate blogs have linked to our revolution. I don't know much about "cuisine" or "fine dining," so I haven't read much of these blogs, but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln was too busying freeing the slaves to read Federalist 10.

MUG: Manhattan Users Guide
"We're not sure this a cause we'd take up with any enthusiasm."
http://www.manhattanusersguide.com/archives_content.php?contentID=041206&category=leisure

Eater.Curbed
"Listage: blogger desperately seeks 'Bell for midtown"
http://eater.curbed.com/archives/2006/04/listage_34.php

eat drink one woman
"The problem with joining this guy's refried crusade is that we got a Taco Smell in Sunset Park and I don't want it."
http://www.eatdrinkonewoman.com/2006/04/taco_smellhellu.html

I know what you're thinking: "They seem a bit condescending, Champ." Maybe, friends, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth. For the record, I've done a quick search on each blog for "truffles" and here are the results:

MUG: 5
Curbed: 6
edow: 9

Of course, I did the search on my own site. How many times did I mention truffles?

TBChampion: 0

SUCK ON THAT, FOODIES!

Tour of Force!!!

2006-04-18T08:42:00.000-04:00

The last week or so has been exciting, not only because interest in the Champion has grown, but because I've been to hell and back. Yes, I've been on a week-long binge. Alcohol binge? No, I was in DARE. Taco Bell binge? I wish. No, no, I went on a binge hoping to cleanse myself of the TB yearnings that this blog is only fueling.

Last week I ate pizza for ten strait days. (Ten days is more than a week, you say? Well I say, go add up how many times you've had sex, Nerd.) I had pizza every day--sometimes twice a day--for ten strait days. Here's what I learned:

1) If I put left over pizza in the refrigerator, I do not eat it later. Maybe you can, but with Ray's and Dominos on speed dial, I don't have the discipline to cook the refrigerator shit.

2) Dominos is better than Ray's. Sorry, New York, I kept giving Ray's a try but the taste-to-value ratio just isn't high enough. I ordered a medium, double-pepperoni pizza from Rays and it cost $20 after tip. Never again. Never. Again.

3) Italy can go fuck itself. I keep trying expensive "authentic" pizza and it is not as good as Americanized pizza. I want sauce and melted cheese, not tomato chunks and grated shit. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly aware that I'm wearing the rose-colored glasses of my culture and if I visit a blue culture I will confidently report that everything is purple. Sociology, folks. Point being, Italians are free to prefer their authentic food, but when I eat it, I want American taste specialists to add fat, salt, artificial flavoring, etc. so that it better agrees with my palette.

4) Pizza is not particularly hard on the digestive system, even after ten days. Trust me, one night at White Castle (which is an awesome taste explosion) will hurt more than a week of pizza.

5) Pizza is good. But it ain't tacos and it certainly ain't Taco Bell tacos. This journey has only confirmed for me that Taco Bell is the only food I could eat every day and (a) not get sick, and (b) continue to enjoy. ARE YOU LISTENING, DAVID C. NOVAK!?!

But what is the most important thing I learned? I learned a little more about myself.

As I alluded in the beginning of this post, this blog is exacerbating, not assuaging, my daily yearnings for Taco Bell. In case you didn't notice, I was absent for a while. I was eating pizza and asking myself: "Is this revolution really worth the cost?" "Is the payoff worth the price?" "Is the penalty worth the reward?" For a while, there, I thought the answer was no. Then I looked at the calendar and found an egg basket under my bed. And I remembered that there was another "Man" who sacrificed himself, paying the ultimate price for the rest of us. If he can do it, I can do it. Viva the Revolution!

-TB Champion

P.S. Thanks to all those who posted with Midtown TB locations. I've got a response in the pipeline, but the long and the short of it is, "Thanks but no thanks." I guess we've got a difference of opinion regarding the boundaries of Midtown. You seem to use "maps" and "common knowledge." I define Midtown as being Times Square and the area right around my office. 2nd Ave don't help me, fellas.

CELEBRATE THIS MAN'S BIRTHDAY

2006-04-05T16:18:00.000-04:00

Champions, let me introduce you to David C. Novak, the chairman and CEO of Taco Bell's parent company. He is at once our most potent ally and our greatest enemy.

He holds in his hands the power to liberate us all from TB starvation in Midtown. He apparently saved the company from financial insolvency, ensuring the availabilty of Taco Bell tacos for years to come. According to TB's previous CEO, "David is the most effective leader I have ever worked with." And he looks like a sexier Steve Kroft.

Novak can be our Pancho Villa (except that he would work within the system instead of organizing an army of banditos).

HOWEVER, there are troubling signs about Novak. For one, he is the mastermind behind combining Taco Bells with KFCs and Pizza Huts to create unholy fast food abominations. Furthermore, he opened three new restaurants outside the United States every day in 2002 while New Yorkers like myself went without. His run for the border is apparently not figurative.

So what do we do? We start TBChampion's FIRST MAJOR INITIATIVE! The time for chatter is over. We must convince this man, Novak, to join our crusade. And we should do so by celebrating his birthday.

We do not know when his birthday is, but I propose that he shares a birthday with my mother. May 1. Novak will be flooded by thousands of birthday cards, each mentioning this blog and each requesting (demanding) that he provide us with a present to celebrate his miraculous birth in 1953. Each of you, and all of your friends, should send a birthday card to:

David Novak
Birthday Boy and Taco Bell CEO
Yum! Brands Inc.
1441 Gardiner Lane
Lousiville, KY 40213

More to be posted as this initiative evolves. But for now think: David Novak. May 1. Birthday. Hope.

Religious Experience

2006-04-05T09:54:00.000-04:00

I was in Boston yesterday. I thought I was visiting on a business trip, but I was wrong. No, God sent me to Boston--specifically the Boston Convention Center via Amtrak--to give me a message: "Champion, things could be worse."

I've been complaining about the lack of a TB in Midtown Manhattan, and fighting to open one will be my cause until the day I fucking die. But on the other hand, I do have numerous dining options including, but not limited to, McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, Popeye's (closing soon), pizza, cheap Deli food, expensive bullshit Deli food, and cart food (hot dogs and gyros). God sent me to Boston to show me what life would be like without these options.

This is what it is like:

This is the "dining car" on Amtrak where I had breakfast. Needless to say, I could have purchased three TB value meals for the cost of a stale Nutrigrain bar and an orange juice on Amtrak. My lunch was even more disheartening. I ate at the convention center's "Food Court." When I think of Food Court, I think of a plethora of delicious fast-food options where mom can get crappy Chinese and I can get TB. Not this Food Court. They had a meager selection of non-chain eateries catered by the convention center itself. The result was a $15 refrigerated Italian sandwich. Barf.

The critics out there are misreading this daily manifesto of mine and concluding that I see the world as black-and-white. That TB is white (symbolizing good) and everything else is black (symbolizing bad). Perhaps I've come across that way, but it's not how I feel. By sending me on a pilgrimage, Jesus reminded me that there are shades of gray (symbolizing a spectrum between good and bad).

I have two reactions to this religious epiphany, and as I commonly do with religious thoughts, I've put them in bullet form.
- Thank you, Jesus Christ, for reminding me to appreciate my lot in life.
- While things could certainly be worse, things could also be better. You know how.

Amen.

Not Everyone is a Champion

2006-04-03T10:21:00.000-04:00

I'd like to share an email I got from a friend about our Revolution:

> That's really your blog? Your write that much?
> About taco bell? Really ...really?
>
> It was a bit of a twilight zone moment to first
> discover and follow the link at 6:10am, and then
> find it impossible to convince myself that you
> didn't really write all that.
>
> You're really writing that much about taco bell?
> And getting comments?
>
> Wow.
>
> It's...I don't know...insane. Don't get me wrong,
> I love taco bell. I even took myself there earlier
> today!
>
> But, just, to write about it, and that much?
> I must be dumb orsomething. You're not writing
> all that. It's someone else's blog and you just
> linked to it. Someone else from Minnesota who
> works in Midtown and is obsessed with Taco Bell.
>
> Jesus, what's going on?

What does this tell us, Champions? It tells us that not everyone is a true Taco Bell Champion. Sure, my friend loves TB (he went there more recently than I did), but he isn't willing to stand up for it. Not everyone is a Patrick Henry.

Friends, this shouldn't dishearten us. On the contrary, it puts an even greater onus on us. We're not just fighting for ourselves. We're fighting for those too weak to fight for themselves.

Assault on the Champion!!!

2006-03-31T16:02:00.000-05:00

One of the earliest TB Champions--Sloppy Nachos--just posted a disturbing comment about my last post (itself a response to Talkback on this blog). Here's what he wrote:

> You're a fool. Wanna talk fries? Didn't Taco Bell
> introduce its own fries a couple of years back?
> They were cakey and crumbled like old bannister
> dust. They had to pour nacho cheese on them to
> blind the taste-buds. Let's stick to the things you
> know TB Champ.

Firstly, I'm a "fool" am I? Perhaps you think it's "foolish" to follow your dreams, to shoot for the stars, and to stand up for what you think is good and right and worth living for in this world. If that's the case, then brand me a fool, Sloppy. I aim to start a taste revolution, not the French Revolution. We need UNITY, buck-o, not dissent over some other fast food brand. Seems to me like you're Thinking Inside the Bun.

Secondly, Taco Bell does have french-fry like items. I call them "potato sides" (see previous post: The Whore on 36th Street). Two of these are the Fiesta Potatoes, which seem like the ones you described but can still be purchased at some locations, and the discontinued Border Fries. They were delicious, like the small Burger King hashbrowns but with spicy seasoning. I agree that the Fiesta Potatoes leave a bit to be desired, but they're good if you replace the cheese sauce with FIRE sauce. I miss Border Fries horribly.

Finally, I hate to discuss non-TB material, but do you really prefer Burger Kings crappy fries to McDonald's delicious ones?

-TB Champ!

P.S. If anyone can find a picture or reference to the hallowed Border Fries, I will give them a free meal at Taco Bell. I couldn't find them anywhere.

Questions Answered!

2006-03-31T13:55:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the comments, Tubby and Anonymous. They were curious: "have I ever worked at TB?" and "What did I eat today?" Unlike Mr. Moneypants running the Taco Bell Corporation, I don't ignore pleas from the masses.

Have I ever worked at Taco Bell? No, I have not. But I did APPLY to work at a Taco Bell in Roseville, Minnesota. It was a wave-one Taco Bell, but they never called me back. (Wave-one was the first wave of TB architecture with an overt adobe style and a red/green/yellow color scheme.) I don't know how I feel about that. Was I not good enough? Was I rejected in order to protect one of their Champions from the ugly inner workings of his nirvana? What happened?

In the years since I've come to terms with the experience. I realized that my application was simply lost. There is no better explanation. Doesn't that show negligence on their part, you ask? Of course. But I never said TB was the best at everything. Their restaurants are often dirty shitholes, for example. No, no, Taco Bell has one and only one priority: making kick-ass tacos. And those tacos kick my ass so hard I shit out my belly button. Kick. Ass. Tacos. Everything else is secondary, even my job application.

What did I eat today? I had some Burger King, which was fine. I hate the "new" fries that they introduced about seven years ago. Here's some advice, King: My Way would be for you to do everything exactly like McDonald's except put sesame seeds on your buns. For dessert I'm having some Hot Tamales, which are causing a tooth pain in one of my molars, thus reminding me that I need to go to the dentist.

Keep it real, Champions!

Wanted: Healthy Food

2006-03-30T13:48:00.000-05:00

I ate a pizza for lunch today, as I often do. I love pizza, but now I feel craptastic. It's because I'm not eating healthy. Another problem a convenient Taco Bell would solve.

Yes, in addition to being delicious and a good value, Taco Bell is also a healthy meal. It has all four food groups, as the list below clearly illustrates. "Four food groups?" you ask, "Weren't they replaced by the 'Food Pyramid' ages ago?" To that I answer: "Fuck you." If you believe all that bullshit new-age nutritionists believe, why don't you just climb My Pyramid and start doing so-called "aerobic exercise."

FOUR FOOD GROUPS
Grain - taco shell
Meat - beef
Dairy - cheese
Vegetable/Fruit - lettuce/tomatoes (tomatoes are a fruit; look it up!)

If we dig a bit deeper using Taco Bell's nutrition guide, we can calculate the total calories and total fat of the meal I would have eaten (3 tacos) and compare it to the calories in three pieces of pepperoni pizza. The results:

TACO BELL
Calories: 450 (23% DV)
Fat: 21 grams (33% DV)
Vitamins: A, C, Calcium, Iron

PIZZA
Calories: 807 (41% DV)
Fat: 33 grams (51% DV)
Vitamins: A, Calcium, Iron

As we can see, TB has less calories, less fat, and more vitamins than pizza.

Me: "The prosecution rests, your honor."
Judge: "Thank you, Mr. Darrow."

By Demand!

2006-03-29T17:12:00.000-05:00

I've gotten numerous emails demanding that I better document my visit to Taco Bell on Monday. Honestly, after eating another shit-tastic panini today for lunch, I'm trying to forget Monday's banquet. It just upsets me. However, I do have some pictures for you. (Notice the table color... fucking Dunkin' Donuts.)

Also, poster "sloppy nachos" complained about the veracity of my $.69 TB tacos. Don't fret, "sloppy," I've got an analysis of TB prices in the pipeline!

The Whore on 36th Street

2006-03-28T14:37:00.000-05:00

Last night I went on a journey to the Taco Bell on 36th Street/8th Avenue, the closest TB to the center of Midtown.

This was my first New York TB in 2006, and how I missed his taste, his scent, and his firm but gentle touch. I ordered what I normally order: three regular crunchy tacos and a pepsi. (I would have ordered a potato-side, but this was a TB Express, and my thoughts on potato-sides and TB Expresses will be saved for future posts.) Simply delicious. Taco Bell made me feel young again.

But this was not a perfect visit. For Taco Bell on 36th street was not alone with me last night. Nor is this TB alone any night. Or any day. And that, my friends, is because this TB lives with a whore. An old, dirty hag, whose best years were back when Mexican food didn't exist and when Mexicans were played by Charlton Heston.

Unless you've seen with your own two eyes the depths to which Taco Bell has sunk in New York, you'll be shocked and disgusted when you see this image:

WHAT THE FUCK IS TACO BELL DOING WITH DUNKIN' DONUTS!?! Dunkin' Donuts is a worthless slut. I have reservations about TB/PizzaHut pairings--and I love PizzaHut--but fucking Dunkin's Donuts! Give me a break. I had to sit at a maroon table next to the powdered donuts display, dabbing my face with white coffee napkins as I chowed on my tacos. It's like taking communion at a shit factory.

I've been to this TB at least 15 times in the past two years. And I know I shouldn't keep coming back. He's demeaning himself, and I'm only encouraging it. (And who knows what kind of diseases that bitch has?) But I can't just abandon him, no matter how many of you black-and-white Taco Bell-purists out there demand it. I'll admit Taco Bell has made some horrible mistakes--this is just one of them--but he's confused and scared and lonely. He's making bad decisions. And its because he doesn't have a good home here in New York.

Which is exactly why we need to UNITE! Get behind me! Let's get a real home for Taco Bell in Midtown. Not just for my sake. But for his.

NY Metro, Mercadito, and Why I Hate It Here

2006-03-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

I was reviewing the annual Best of New York issue of New York Metro, and apparently this reputable magazine has awarded "Mercadito" the "Best Fish Taco, 2006." ( http://www.nymetro.com/bestofny/food/2006/fishtaco/ )

Ok.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?! I'm sure "Mercadito" has very good bullshit, fancy food. I'm sure I might like to take my girlfriend there (she has "better taste" than I do). But, honestly, WHAT THE FUCK!

This picture does not look like a taco. Taco Bell tacos are fucking tacos. The Ortega shit I cook at home are fucking tacos. And, while not as good as TB, the stuff those crappy Mexican places run by Koreans make are fucking tacos. Not this bullshit that "Mercadito" makes. Fish? Come on. I love Long John Silver's, but even if Taco Bell made a fish taco, I couldn't get behind it.

YET, New York Metro has "Fish Taco" as its only taco category. (Perhaps because they realize that TB would win the normal taco category every year for eternity.) This just goes to show why New York is such a crap food place. Because everyone--including a reputable magazine--is concerned only with spending money and looking fancy. Well, Donald Trump, you can go eat your fucking fish tacos. Not me, padre.

One conclusion we could draw from this sad discovery is that the conspicuously consuming population of New York, especially in midtown, can't sustain a Taco Bell. Taco Bell's deliciosity-to-price ratio is too good for them. Then my quest--our quest, friends--is dead.

Another reaction is that this review proves how ripe the market is for quality, Taco Bell tacos. People have been eating "Mercadito" shit for too long. They're ready. The time is now. Let me ask you this, Mr. Taco Bell Executive: Don't you think that people would be willing to pay $.69 for one of your delicious products, given that they pay $800 for this...

2 Paninis = 0 Tacos

2006-03-24T16:08:00.000-05:00

I had to eat lunch today because I was hungry. I wanted Taco Bell, but there is no Taco Bell nearby, so do you know what I fucking ate? A Panini. It's like a sandwich, but with fucking pita. I hate it when they take normal food and put it on a pita and charge more (except for the Gordita, which is awesome.) Because I was hungry, I got two. But that was a shitty idea because the Paninis were shitty.

Where the fuck are you, Taco Bell?

Taco Bell, I invoke thee!

2006-03-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

I work in mid-town Manhattan along with ~3 million other people. And every day, like the rest of my brethren, I go without.

WHERE ARE YOU TACO BELL!?!

I work near Times Square, and the nearest Taco Bell is more than ten minutes away. If I worked further north, say on the Upper East or West Sides, I would be 30 minutes away.

OH, PLEASE, TACO BELL, WHY HAVE THOU FORSAKEN ME!?!

Every day--in spite of my tone I am being serious--I am devastated by my lunch options. No $.69 tacos. No Gorditas or Chalupas, let alone any of the other creative combinations of seasoned beef, cheese, tomatoes and lettuce.

I INVOKE THEE, TACO BELL, PLEASE COME TO MID-TOWN!!!